OMG has anyone had to co-parent with a narc ex and wondered how on earth you lasted in a relationship with them?

[Redmushroom]

How did I not see it long ago. You just can’t communicate with them. Can’t arrange timings without them casting blame. Mines given me his wrong holiday dates for Xmas and then the new dates have effected the days he has her obviously but somehow it’s my fault…..how is it my fault that he is working on the day that he told me he wasn’t. Mind blown!

You can’t co-parent with an abusive narc. You have to learn to parallel parent and to grey rock. If you don’t have a contact order in place, try and get a schedule in place for when he sees her and stick to it. If he doesn’t like it, he can take you to court where an order can be made.
If you do have a court order, stick to it. If he wants to change things say, “I am sticking to the court order.” Keep referring back to the court order. Then don’t say any more.
It will always be your fault. Always. So, don’t argue. Just ignore any accusations. If you respond, you fuel the fire. The trick is to become as boring as possible. Stick to contact or important info about your child and nothing else. If you get abuse and accusations hurled at you, log and report the abuse and ignore the accusations.
Its hard. It sucks. But stay strong and grey rock. Don’t defend yourself. There’s no points that’s what he wants. To draw you in so he can beat you down and wear you out. Don’t give him it. Keep all communication in text or email.

Here’s an example conversation.

Him: I want to change seeing kid in Saturday to Sunday.

You: We agreed that you would see kid every second Saturday from 12-6pm. I am sticking to that.

Him: You are such a b*tch! You always try to stop me seeing my kid. I hate you. This is typical of you. You have to control everything.

You: (no response).

Speak to women’s aid as this is using the child to continue post separation abuse. They will be able to support and advise you.

Thanks @TipsyJoker Ive been dealing with it for years now. Sometimes I forget and get drawn in and then realise the goal posts keep moving and I’m inevitably to blame and it’s just bloody ridiculous how quickly they get triggered and how the language changes. I literally can’t believe I stayed with him for so many years.

It's so painful to not try and defend yourself or argue what you know are facts, but you know deep down you will never ever reason with a narcissist. I'm still unsure of whether they actually believe what they come out with or if they are well aware they are lying but do it to be cruel and 'win'.

I even sent screen shots of the message he sent but it’s of no use. I don’t think this is deliberate I think it’s just automatic without thought reflection back at me. God it’s so easy to fall for it because you can’t reason at all.

It never works with a narc when they're young. Never!

My eldest is an adult now dealing with it. She worked out her dad's a narc over the years and hardly sees him (lives with me).

My youngest lives with him as it's near his friends house and he's allowed to do whatever he likes, which strangely is easier as I don't have much contact with ex anymore DC2 comes over for meals when he wants to.

I have years worth of screen shots and tables where he'd agree things. Honestly, save your time. He won't change!

Everything goes round in circles with him so I just say okay and thank God I haven't got his life and twisted sad mind. And the child looks like me. Winner all the way.

My daughter is only 9 and is beginning to ask questions. She isn’t sure what’s going on but she often says she prefers it here and doesn’t look forward to his weekends. He is very aggressive and shouts all the time.

oh my I left the conversation thinking thank god but how on earth did I last 10 years. Round and round and round over something so bloody simple. He started replying in capital letters also which I hate as he effectively shouting.

Yeah ignore. He's a twat.

Trying to get an outcome form him in terms of what days he wants or can do for shared holiday. He’s completely avoidant of having an opinion and makes me always be the one to dictate what he has. He claims that he’s being the better person letting me choose and but it inevitably ends up with him pointing the finger as he resolves himself of any responsibility, it’s bloody annoying. He’s such a twat…:just be a grown up and have a discussion

They all.do that - let you do the work, make the decisions, then criticise and blame you after the event.

I had 25 years with DH, 29 with a senior work colleague, before I recognised the pattern.

Totally agree with the above, record everything, never explain, grey rock where you can. Don't feed them. They'll get bored.