Friend wants a divorce. Husband won't agree. How can I help her to see sense!

[MakeHerSeeSense]

So, after many years of being ignored in her relationship, my friend finally told her husband she wanted a divorce. She went all in. Got the papers for him to sign and told everyone. Husband said it wasn't what he wanted but he would sign the papers if she told the kids. However, turns out this was just a bluff. She told them and then he said they were too upset so now he wouldn't sign.

Cut to now - nearly 2 years later and they are still living together and still not divorced! They live in rented accomodation and he says he can't afford to move out. Rents have increased massively, so for her to move out she would have to pay a lot more for a much smaller place, if she could find anything at all. But then he would have to move somewhere cheaper anyway!

He can't afford to move out....because she pays for everything! She isn't on a great wage and only PT. He works FT and also not earning loads, but definitely more than her. Apparently its always been that way since they moved over here (they were living overseas). I was so appalled when I found out that it did prompt some action and I think he did start paying half the rent for a while, but I just found out that has stopped again. She does get UC too, but he basically pays fuck all!

I think she is scared to take any action because she thinks (or he has said) he will leave the country if she does. He is not from the UK. When they moved here, after a couple of months, he said he was returning to the country they had been living in, whether she came with him or not. This was about 6 years ago I think. Thing is, he is defintiely going to at some point. Since they got here he has been spending all his money setting up a life in his home country (house, businesses). It is obvious he plans to move there in the future. She wasn't part of that plan.

How can I get her to see sense?? I've said she should at least get the divorce sorted on paper. And if he won't sign, then persue going ahead without his cooperation. She is literally wasting her life and modelling the absolutely worst relationship for her kids. And yet the way she is talking is like this is just going to go on indefinitely.

What your friend is lacking, is a sence of agency.
She's being lived. She's waiting for 'others' to allowe her to make something of her life. It happens when people feel powerless and overwhelmed for a very long time. They lose their belief that they can influence and take charge of their situation.

Get her into therapy if you can. Maybe that can shake her out of her state of mental hibernation.

I hadn't thought of therapy to be honest. Maybe that would help. I will suggest it. The way she talks is as if she has accepted that this is just her life now, and she will just endure it forever. Friends and family are all in dispair and desperately trying to get her to do something!

Your friend needs to understand that he's going to make it as difficult as he can to get him to move out, he's comfortable living with her and he'll say anything if it means he can stay. No way should she take his No for an answer- divorce is legal and she needs to keep going and ignore what he says.

As PPs have said, she doesn't need his consent to divorce. Best of luck in helping her.

Who has their name on the tenancy?

I think they both do. That's what she's told me. She wasn't sure if her parents are on as guarantors.

What action do you think she should take? She does sound trapped, she might not have many options. She might not be able to find a private landlord to rent to her as a single mother. There might be no social housing where she lives. Her only options might be staying in the situation she is in or presenting as homeless to her local council and being placed in hostel accommodation.

I'd like to see her actually get divorced legally. And if he refuses to move out, at least get him to pay his way.
I think if she actually gave him an ultimatum and said either you move out in the next 2 months or I will, he might do it. Because the reality is, he could find somewhere cheaper and would have to leave the house anyway. Plus if she took her name off the lease, I doubt they would let him stay on. He claimed to be concerned about the kids before, so should be able to see that it would be better if they stayed in their home.

The first response explains why she isn't doing anything. She tried, it didn't work. Now she feels stuck and mentally unable to address and change her situation. She's completely overwhelmed although it may not seem like it. She will also be feeling responsible for her families future happiness.
Could you talk to her about this? Not about what she needs to do practically, she knows that, but try to help her through the way she is feeling.

Yeah, she has said she wasn't expecting him to refuse. Didn't think he'd want to stay there knowing she doesn't want to be married. So that had kind of taken her by suprise.

Her worry is, if she pushes the issue, he might leave the country and never see the children again. And that would then be her fault and they would hate her for it. But he wasn't spending any time with the kids or her before she wanted the divorce. He just left it all to her. Didn't go on family days out or holidays - nothing.

But the thing is, if he does go, that will be his choice (although I do wonder if there might be some visa complications). And it is clearly his plan at some point in the future and has been long before she suggested divorce.

So it seems her plan is just to wait for him to do something, whilst all the time paying for everything! So at some point, he will swan off to his new life that's he's built essentially on her dime!