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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So unhappy

2 replies

BanditBriggs · 11/11/2024 22:14

I have been married for over 30 years and realised two years ago that something wasn't right. Over the years he has consistently called me aggressive (if I slightly raise my voice), argumentative (if I disagree with him about anything), over critical (I only have to look at him and he accuses me of having a go at him) and many more things. It got to the point where I believed I was all those things and started to doubt/question who I was. It's got to the stage where I am too scared to say anything as everything I say is perceived as an accusation, argument, criticism. To other people he appears to be the model person - respectful, helpful (he goes out of his way to help others) and I have often been told how lucky I am to be married to him. But I am so miserable. He doesn't make any effort to listen to me (he spends so much time on his mobile), he doesn't show any interest in my life (I have had the same job/working hours for 3 years and he still asks me everytime what days/hours I am working), he does not know my favourite food/music, I could go on. I so want to leave but am scared. I think he could get nasty especially with money (he once told me out of the blue that my savings weren't mine, that he would get half if we split up). Not sure why I am writing. I guess to see if anyone else is or has been in the same situation.

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 12/11/2024 00:11

Look at putting your savings into private trust. That way, he can’t touch them. Also, anything else you don’t want him to get from cars to family heirlooms.

Your husband is abusive. Please read these books then contact women’s aid for support to make an exit plan. Do NOT tell him anything.
https://ia600600.us.archive.org/31/items/hybridphilosophy-collection/The-Covert-Passive-Aggressive-Narcissist-by-Debbie-Mirza.pdf#page132

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

You haven’t done anything wrong. He has very insidiously gaslit you to make you question yourself and used techniques such as DARVO to make you doubt yourself and paint himself as the victim.

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender

You don’t have to live like this anymore. You can be free of this horrible abuse. Please speak to women’s aid. And reach out to any friends or family members that you can trust. Also, find out your works policy on supporting staff and experiencing domestic abuse. They might also be able to support you through this. I would urge you to also seek counselling because you’re going through and have been going through psychological trauma. Once you’ve read the books above, Debbie Mirza has lots of videos on YouTube you can also watch for free which will help to unravel the abuse you’ve been through at the hands of your husband.

Im so sorry you’re going through this but well done for reaching out. That’s incredibly brave and you’ve done the right thing. This is the first step towards a new, happy life, free from abuse.

why-does-he-do-that.pdf

“This fascinating investigation into what makes abusive men tick is alarming, but its candid handling of a difficult subject makes it a valuable resource for professionals and victims alike…. Jargon-free analysis is frequently broken up by interesting...

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Pinkbonbon · 12/11/2024 00:28

By his reasoning, half his assets are yours too.
First things first, make sure you have a bank account of your own. Not joint. Make sure your wages are paid in there.

Consult a divorce lawyer without him knowing. Find out everything you need for a favorable split.

Before telling him anything, make sure to put your savings or half the money (whichever is more) into your own account from the joint account. You may, after the divorce be asked to return some, but that's fine, you can do that. The most important thing is that he doesn't drain the account and leave you with nothing and unable to leave.

If he gets aggressive, don't be slow to call the police. That's what they are there for.

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