Moving on after end of long term relationship

[Wynethrose]

I posted a few months ago about leaving my partner of 25 years , we'd had a difficult relationship for a few years prior to split.
It took all my strength to leave him and walk away with nothing.
I've been on my own for nearly 4 months and a guy I knew from work has started messaging me and popping round with bits and pieces he thinks I might make use of which is really kind.
The thing is we started sleeping together a couple of weeks ago only one night a week because he's in a relationship which he says is companionship not a sexual relationship.
I've been cheated on in most of my relationships in the last 40 years so know what it feels like , he keeps sweet talking me and saying we've found each other and that life is short so don't worry about being deceitful.
I don't want to continue the relationship but I'm struggling to find a way out , because I work with him and see him in the week it's going to be awkward.

No judgement from me, but just think that whilst he may be telling the truth it’s not uncommon for unfaithful men to still be sleeping with their wife or partner and telling other women its just a housemate relationship /just staying together for now because of the kids / sexless marriage or she’s not a good women (take your pick). You’re at risk of being hurt, particularly if she finds out and others at work find out. Do you want to stay in your current job? How about if she makes some noise and tells everyone you’re a homewrecker (I do realise the guy is the one at fault, but IRL mud sticks and it’s not pleasant - I’ve seen it happen).

Is he a more senior position to you at work? That could cause issues.

If it was me I’d cool it with him, and just say that I don’t want to be involved in an affair.

Just to add you only gave yourself 14 weeks following a 25 yr relationship - it’s not enough time to heal yourself. I appreciate the attention is nice for you and possibly a novelty if last few yrs of marriage were difficult. But I don’t think this is the most peaceful way for you to move on and re find yourself. And peace is likely needed. I found that a course of CBT helped me after my long term relationship broke down.

If you find yourself lusting after attention - not unreasonable - don’t find it at work, and hope they’re truthful if they say they’re not married. This guy doesn’t seem to have respect for you or his wife. I mean that kindly - look after yourself. Not a selfish man.

@LetsRedecorate Thanks for the reply .
I'm making excuses so that I don't have to see him , he wanted to come around Saturday but I said I had my friend coming over .
He's the same as me at work, we're friends with the same people though and always chat.
I'd be devastated if anyone found out , I love my job and the people I work with.

I think he’s taken advantage of you. And the fact you’d be devastated if people found out shows you know it appears immoral. Honestly I had a friend who was sleeping with a manager at work. You do think of them differently when you find out something like that. And you don’t want people gossiping about you either. Someone who can boost your confidence would be good, but it won’t help long term healing. And I think that’s what this man has done for you temporarily in the moment - but outside of the moment it’ll ruin your self esteem and make you feel worse.

Very briefly... but I found myself in a very similar position & 4 years on... I'm still feeling stuck with him & more trapped than I did in my 28 yr marriage.

If only I could have my time again.. I would have avoided him in the 1st instance.

He's a good man but he's not for me!!
I've never fallen in love with him! Even after 4 years! Yet he's besotted with me & it's far too much pressure carrying his feelings!!

Kindly, shut things down, if your gut is telling you too!!

@FlorenceB19 I think we're people pleasers !! Never think of ourselves but how others are going to feel .
I've spoke to the guy in question this evening and explained my feelings about him cheating on his girlfriend etc and he said fine but can we still be friends !! I said yes that's fine but I think he's got the message that I'm not in the right headspace for a relationship with anyone atm.
I'm so sorry you feel trapped by this man , it really sucks doesn't it !! You deserve to enjoy your life after leaving your marriage.

Oh for gods sake!! Will you please give yourself a shake, this guy does not want to be your friend, he wants to let a week go by before he comes out with a sob story about how unhappy he is so he can weedle his way back into your knickers. And you bloody well know it.

I'll make this simple.

In ANY kind of relationship = OFF LIMITS.

Stick to that as a base moral code and don't be the sort of person who contributes to another's pain and heartbreak all for sex.

And of course it isn't companionship only. His poor DP.

Hi Just checking in on you to see how things are going?

Has the situation started to settle after the conversation of closing things down?

Has work life settled? & how are you feeling in general? 🫶🏼