Low libido; husband just asked if I'm having an affair.

[ThePartyArtist]

For several years I've been suffering with low libido. I'm age 40.

Post partum (7 ish years ago) it took us a long time to resume sex. I didn't really feel like it. That period was hard on our relationship in general, I often thought we would split up during our son's first year.

When our son was a toddler i got glandular fever which triggered ME. I was really ill. Bed bound/ housebound for about 2 years. Couldn't work. My husband became my carer.

I'm now much more well and can do a lot more. But libido hasn't resumed.

I have Masterbated which he knows. It's infrequent and quick. He's hurt by this when I'm not having sex with him,which I do understand.

My husband is understandably hurt. Last night we attempted sex but he could tell I wasn't into it and he got upset and stopped. Tonight he asked if I'm having / have had an affair. He doesn't seem to fully believe me that the answer is no.

I was sexually assaulted as a child and have just started therapy for this which is hard. But I'm doing it because I feel it may be contributing.

I have also been to the GP who tested for early menopause (came back negative) and prescribed vaginal oestrogen to hopefully help dryness. I haven't started this yet.

I've gone off the pill a few times to see if it helped. Got my first coil recently.

I'm really sad that this is upsetting my husband. But I also feel it's not my fault and we need to try things together. I think he sees it as rejection and personal but I see it as medical / psychological (whilst acknowledging it hurts him).

I've tried to do it for him (as I don't think I'll get desire but I do care about him). He can tell I'm not into it. We are at the point where initiating feels pointless and awkward.

Just don't know what to do... medical, psychological, chronic illness, a problem with us - it's hard to know which avenue to try or what to do!

You've been through an awful lot Op so it's quite normal for your libido to be impacted and if you're in therapy for sexual assault, that's going to stir up a lot of difficult feelings too. In your place I'd ask your DH to give you some space to work through your feelings, take sex off the table and take the pressure off yourself. You can't make yourself want sex, be kind to yourself

You have very understandable reasons for not being very interested in sex.
Your husband however has very understandable reasons for struggling with this.
Neither of you is wrong, you're just in a really sad situation together.

Have you thought of going to a sex therapist together? Not with the intention of rushing you back into having regular sex when you're not interested. But rather with the intention to lay everything out on the table, openly discuss how you're both feeling about the topic, and to connect over a shared sadness and desire for things to be different.

@Girlmom35it is good to see a balanced sensible response to this. So often it is just the guy needs to put up shut up while you deal with this. The reality is that a mismatch in libidos has a very negative effect on both parties, and it is good that both parties learn to acknowledge that, respect it and find a way forward.

Abuse
age
seriously ill , bed bound for 2 years
unsupportive insensitive husband

anyone of the above can clamp a vagina shut
if your relationship is no more than sexual it may have run its course

I agree with this. He has every right to feel hurt as you have every right to wank and never have sex again.

The only possible reason for a woman not wanting to shag a man is because she’s shagging someone else. Don’t you know anything?