Amicable split - social media question

[litepop]

Just that really....
Split with exDP a few months ago. I instigated it but no bad feelings on either side.

I had the usual regret/questioning if it was the right thing. Said the usual "we'll still be friends" but in reality we don't have any contact. I'm happy with that and know it was the right thing.

However, I find myself checking his social media to see if there are any clues as to what he's been up to and whether he's moving on. I know it will sting when he meets someone new.

Other than a chance encounter we're unlikely to cross paths. To stop me obsessing over his social media do I just unfollow? Or is that not very fair given he's done nothing wrong and we should still be able to be friends?

What does everyone else do in an amicable split? (No shared dc or friendship group)

You can unfollow without unfriending, would that work? (Assuming Facebook)

No sorry, it's instagram. I've 'muted' him so nothing will come up on my feed but o can't resist the temptation of checking.

I'm wondering if taking that option away from myself will help me move on

If you know it's going to hurt if you see evidence of him moving on, just save yourself the pain and unfollow now. You'll only torture yourself by looking for updates every so often.

Thank you tho ☺️

You need to unpack all of this because you’ve said lots of contracting things in your post. You said you would remain friends even though you don’t have contact… is he a friend or isn’t he? If he isn’t then you don’t need access to his socials. And this idea of obsessing over his movements - where does that come from? Is is part of the transition of moving on from him? Because if it is I don’t think it’s a healthy way to do it, a complete break would be much, much better. I’m not at all having a go by the way, I’m just trying to understand the current dynamic. Also what does he want? If someone ended a relationship with me I wouldn’t want them on my social media, however amicable.

You're right, I do need to unpack it all. I ended it as the relationship didn't feel healthy. He had MH issues he wasn't willing to get help with (otherwise I'd have been happy to stay together and support him). We had become like best friends rather than a couple.

He said he didn't want it to end but he didn't protest too much and accepted it pretty easily. My best friend the him on tinder within a day.

It was the cliche "oh we can still be friends" which often doesn't happen in reality.

If things were different I would've stayed but it's the fact he seems to have moved on so quickly like I meant nothing to him. The first 2 months I was grieving the relationship and couldn't think of anything else, but his words were "life goes on".

I think a big part was that I felt really guilty ending it as he didn't have much of a support network. He was telling me I was his world and the love of his life, yet he was happy to start dating again immediately.

Ultimately he's done nothing wrong so I don't want to be rude or hurt his feelings but I know it's not healthy for me to look. And I'd probably move on better if I couldn't see

Unfriend. SM is a disease.

Oh bless you, thanks for your honesty, that sounds so tough. It’s horrible when you have to make a decision based on someone else’s inaction. So hard. You poor thing. Of course you get to grieve and everything has a transition period, but I think hanging around on his social media is not going to do you any favours. Onwards and upwards - there is something brighter for you just around the corner I’m sure.

Aw thank you for such a lovely response @Arlanymor
I hope so.

But after me being the one to end the relationship I feel a bit rude to unfollow.
I think i just need to be selfish and put myself first (again)

@Freethebees agree!! I actually hate SM. I think the modern world would be so much better without it!

I’d just unfollow him, to be honest if he has moved on then he probably won’t even notice that you’ve done it. I know I never check my followers and Instagram doesn’t notify you that someone has unfollowed you so he would only know if he actively looked for your profile, if you’re done and he’s over it then he probably won’t even check

You’re so welcome, I really do feel for you. Yes definitely put YOU first, because I imagine in the latter stages of the relationship that you were putting yourself second a lot of the time. We’re rapidly approaching a brand new year, less than two months to go, so lots to look forward to, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the moment.

I think you can be friends after a break up, but later, not straight away. Like it's better to end the relationship, grieve that, then later if your paths still cross you can build a healthy friendship, but it's very unusual to phase straight to that. Just my opinion!

I'm wondering similar with my ex, although we have a child together. I don't really want to see him move on, but luckily I don't post much so not that much for him to see, and we do have to attempt the friendship immediately for our son's sake, so I'm going to do my best! If I could, I'd unfollow though.

An amicable break-up doesn't mean you have to be friends. Being friendly is an attitude, a state of being. I'm friendly to just about everyone, my hairdresser, the neighbors, the other mums at school. None of them are my friends though.
You were in a relationship. Not a friendship. And you chose to end that relationship. Nothing about that means you have to automatically revert to friendship. Friendship is a choice, one to make very consciously.
Is he your friend?
Does he make you feel as your other friends do?
Are you ready to be friends?
Do you have any feelings about or expectations towards him that go beyond friendship?

To me it doesn't sound like he's your friend.
If you feel a need to be friendly, you can do so. Be friendly if you ever cross paths. Say a polite hello and respond with 'I'm fine, how are you?' when he asks. That's what you do when you're friendly.

Unfollow him on instagram.

He’ll never notice.

Unless he’s also checking your social media updates! Which is nice if so - but you’ll never know either way unless you ask him.

Ignorance is bliss. Or at least healing. Unfollow.