Difficulty with friends.

[Nightlight45]

Myself and my friends in our forties. Getting quite upset about how some folks act.
Texted one mid week last week asking if she wanted to catch up soon.
She took a few days to respond then texted yesterday asking for help with something.
No ‘hi’ or acknowledgment of my text saying did she want to catch up soon.
Find this more common these days. People seem to be wrapped up in their own lives and common courtesy is sometimes out the window.
Was never like this in 20’s and 30’s.
The friends I have don’t have kids so they aren’t busy with family stuff like that.
Wasn’t anything major she asked my advice on.
It’s just the texting back with no hi or acknowledgment of catch up as above.
Anyone else find this?
Thanks in advance.

People are definitely less chatty these days and it seems to be the norm. I would ask again if she got your text message before you respond to her message. Seems fair!

Yes, I felt a bit upset when her message came through as if she’s ignoring the catch up text and almost using me for the question/ bit of advice she wants.

I nearly didn't reply because I'm always on these thread. Yes this is definitely a thing.

I find there's a lot of threads about it from last year, maybe. It was helpful to me to realise that it wasn't my fault.

Interestingly my mum has noticed it in her age group. She also said that meet ups feel very delicate because everyone's offended by a lot more things these days. I genuinely think it's to do with technology and Covid etc. You are absolutely not alone.

I could waffle on about this for ages, but I will spare you 😂

I’ve noticed a lot of this kind of thing too. I don’t know if it’s my age group (everyone busy and stressed) or if people have just become more rude. I suspect the latter…
Also, as a PP said, everyone is so touchy. It feels like the smallest social faux pas, the slightest difference of opinion, and that person risks getting ostracised. It’s tricky.

Yes, people just can't be arsed, I don't think. It's easier to ignore a message and not respond because a) they are avoiding conflict ie your friend doesn't want to meet up so pretends like you never asked her b) it's a power play - simply too busy to reply dahhhling c) they can't be bothered/you're not important enough.

OP, it wasn't like this years ago because people actually talked to each other on the phone. God help me if I have the audacity to call my friends on the phone. They never pick up the call anyway.

Tbh, I would reply by saying "lovely to hear from you" and leave it that! Or reply with what she asked and then reply to your own message with "Thoughts?" so the last message she sees is about your suggestion to go out. If she ignores this, then you can make your decision.

Thanks so far….I’m so glad I’m not alone in finding this!
It’s not in my nature not to reply, but I’m thinking I’d be justified not to as she’s chosen to ignore the bit about catching up and just wants advice on something.
Or…I answer her question re advice and don’t chase her up about the catch up as maybe she’s not interested in that.
But then I feel used for the advice…..
I’ll have a think.
Any more thoughts and experiences on this type of thing welcome.

It’s really struck me the difference in the last couple of years.

Yes. A massive cultural shift.

I agree, it feels that people don’t care about being rude now and more people are just out for themselves.

I agree with above posts. We seem to have entered a different landscape where manners just don’t matter. It makes decent people retreat and give up. My sister is one of the worst for ignoring messages/ being passive aggressive and rude. At least with a friend you can quietly drop them.

Reply and say, why don’t we talk about it when we get together for a catch up?

@TheMoonismadeofcheese "We seem to have entered a different landscape where manners just don’t matter."

sadly I think it's more than that. I believe it's a sign that human connection doesn't mean much to most of these people. Or that friends don't matter to them. If this thread was in AIBU we'd now be inundated with angry folks saying how hard it is to reply to messages though. But of course in this case, the friend has managed to ask her own questions! Have you replied @Nightlight45 it's not in my nature to ignore either

I think you need to consider reframing your experience here.

Messaging culture is changing. The first SMS messages cost 12p to send and took ages to type. People didn’t chat with them, they sent short comms about things like when their train would get in.

Then we gradually moved into the era of Whatsapp. For many people, this moved text into a tool for chatting and catching up.

We are now at a point where everyone and their dog is on Whatsapp and the volume of messages can be overwhelming. Some people are reverting to using it as an informational service - they don’t have the bandwidth for chit-chat with dozens of people every day. This may seem rude to you, but as other commenters have said, this is a broader societal change. People are overwhelmed and reverting to the old behaviour.

My advice would be to lower your expectations a little, use Whatsapp for quick check-ins and requests, and save the deep-dive catch-ups for phone calls and in-person meet-ups.

I notice you mention about being in 40s, this is often something which is mentioned on the menopause threads.

I'm finding something similar. Old friends, I have known for decades. One I had an argument with about the trans stuff, (we have different vies on this but she was unable to see my point of view and told me she would 'think less of me' for having the view)

Another one keeps trying to get me to contact my mother who I am NC with for several years. She's a therapist as well. Even though I have explained things to her she keeps on about it.

I'm not sure if it is me though and perimenopause as I can't be bothered with a lot of it anymore.

I have another friend with a disability who is pretty horrible about others with health problems which is a bit strange. I have started avoiding her due to her attitudes and comments. maybe I just need to go and live in isolation or something.

I'm 47 and have teens and elderly parents and those seem to be occupying all my headspace as well, and giving me less patience for people in general these days.

My theory? (Old person alert)

Covid. The shutting ourselves away from large groups and then only being allowed to mingle with a few at a time and not often
Zoom is not the same
WFH. The amount of lost socialisation doesn't bear thinking about, however convenient it is not to commute or to be able to put a wash on midday
The closure of the High St. We just don't have to talk to people outside the home much these days and when we do it's about us.

Life has changed so drastically in my lifetime (70 years) and much of it really isn't for the better

I feel for you. It's sadly very common. People seem to text you when they want a shoulder then you don't hear from them until their next problem.
I've backed off now as I'm not just there for them to vent.

Here’s an example of a couple of things I have noticed just in the past week. Went into a Bank to deal with some stuff to do with a parent. I bank online so haven’t had to do this for some time. Staff lounging on desk chairs , spinning around with shoes off, one eating a sandwich with a paper lying next to her. This was on the main reception desk. I worked in a Bank for a while in the Dark Ages and just couldn’t imagine any of the staff being allowed to do this. Young female staff very offhand and rude to my very elderly mother.

Visited a solicitor about something also related to my mother. I arrive and the door is opened by a member of staff with her shoes off, in stockinged feet. This was a very posh address too. Shown into a room, not offered even a glass of water and left to wait. Solicitor arrives , doesn’t introduce herself, doesn’t shake my hand , just plonks herself down. Doesn’t really say goodbye at the end. I wasn’t offered any water through the whole lengthy meeting, let alone a cup of tea. Yet she is happy to charge a fortune for her time.

I know I sound like a Grumpy Old Woman , but what happened to professional pride and good manners?

Thanks so far for the responses.
Its so sad about basic manners and courtesy.
I will reply but ironically can’t offer too much advice on what she has asked as I’m not up to date with it.
I’ll leave her to mention the catch up as the ball’s in her court.
Have definitely noticed this much more post Covid and I’m going to start pulling back a bit.
It’s a good point someone made about the power people possibly feel if they don’t reply- wonder if that why some folks do this.

@shropshire11 "My advice would be to lower your expectations a little, use Whatsapp for quick check-ins and requests, and save the deep-dive catch-ups for phone calls and in-person meet-ups"

but people don't want to meet or answer calls! OP is literally saying her friend won't reply to a message about meeting up.

actually as I type I realise that reply sounds AI generated.

It’s not AI generated, it’s writing something original rather than parroting the same line that everyone has magically become incredibly rude in the last four years.