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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think about him from time to time

13 replies

Amsterdamgirl · 11/11/2024 18:37

Matched on a dating app. Both late 20s. I work in UK full time whereas he is in the army. Talked for 2-3 months every day while he was overseas, mixture of message and video chats.

I enjoyed our conversations. He’s a cool guy. And although some life goals we have in common, our social, lifestyle, family background, are so so different.

my family background is kind of higher net worth, early retirement, and networking , (networking all the time…) whereas his are going to the pubs, night out, chilling out, walking, hiking…etc.

I’ve been on dates with guys in my circle but I just can’t. Just the similar lifestyle, I found it boring and most of them are.. well not nice. He’s the first guy I thought was quite genuine.

anyway due to a family bereavement, I was going through a tough time so I chatted less. I was really sad at the time. Anyway we continued talking but my head just wasn’t in the right headspace.

after a few weeks, I felt better and got back into my routine with family support. But I just felt like I something isn’t right. I’m no saint, I’m quite materialistic so I don’t know if my lifestyle and his align. So I called it quits. Unfriended him.

however since then, I think about him a weekly basis. Sometimes even daily. Wondering what he’s doing. Today wearing a poppy I think of him… ughhh what should I do? I feel like just move on.

we had first dates all set up. Was gonna mail him a box of well being stuff to his military base. I feel like a horrible person for calling it quits when I wasn’t sure then now months later I’m maybe regretting it.

OP posts:
VoodooQualities · 11/11/2024 18:53

What's the reason you don't want to get back in touch?

spoonfulofsugar1 · 11/11/2024 18:59

Have you got a way of getting in touch with him again? Could you drop him a message? Perhaps explain there was a family bereavement and you weren't in the right place.
He might not not respond, but at least then you'll know and can move on.

Amsterdamgirl · 11/11/2024 19:09

VoodooQualities · 11/11/2024 18:53

What's the reason you don't want to get back in touch?

Few reasons. Different lifestyle mainly. He’s away a lot for work. Family background. And when a family member passed away, I was just so overwhelmed.

OP posts:
Amsterdamgirl · 11/11/2024 19:11

spoonfulofsugar1 · 11/11/2024 18:59

Have you got a way of getting in touch with him again? Could you drop him a message? Perhaps explain there was a family bereavement and you weren't in the right place.
He might not not respond, but at least then you'll know and can move on.

He was aware of this bereavement. He was lovely said ok to be friends until I felt ready. But I was so overwhelmed, panicked and stopped talking to him. Which I feel so crappy about .

I know his username Snapchat. But no longer added.

OP posts:
smallsilvercloud · 11/11/2024 19:19

Come on give your head a wobble
You hadn't met though, so talking for 2-3 months isn't the same as reality, majority of first dates are a no go despite how well you get on by messaging, the fantasy is often better than what the reality is. Also how would it ever work with him being overseas a lot, also he could have dates lined up all over the place depending where he is.
If you feel ready then go back to dating but don't pin your hopes on just this one man and someone more available, closer to you.

MrsHamster123 · 11/11/2024 19:32

If you have a way of contacting him then go right ahead. Explain what you've been through, apologise and then see what happens.
At least then you won't be wondering "what if".
Also, it really shouldn't matter if you have differences in backgrounds - if you have chemistry and the important things in common such as moral values then that's the thing.
Good luck!

GoodGollyMsMolly · 11/11/2024 20:16

Maybe I've watched too many docu about scams. So many scammers pretend to be military and even use AI video to fake video calls. Until you meet in person it's not real.

2Sensitive · 12/11/2024 01:34

You'll think about it too long and then someone else will snap him up.

Amsterdamgirl · 20/11/2024 14:38

thing is… I ‘ghosted’ him twice.

first time was during the bereavement (close family). But I did tell him I was really sad so don’t have the energy to chat. Then I got back in touch with him again 2 weeks later after feeling a bit better but I was still so overwhelmed and he was getting deployed in another location from one location. So I had second thoughts and told him I don’t think this is a good idea.

I deleted the app and everything. Didn’t speak to anyone for a few months as I was really unwell mentally.

now that I know he’s back in UK, I don’t know I wanna meet him now. And I feel a lot better now.

OP posts:
IAm16StoneHalloween2024 · 20/11/2024 14:56

How do you know he’s back in the UK?

TheErinyes · 20/11/2024 14:59

Hang on, so you never actually met this guy?

ByHardyRubyEagle · 20/11/2024 15:01

You basically say you’re from a rich family, so my thinking is CATFISH. Anyway what on earth is networking as a family lifestyle. Madness.

MarkingBad · 20/11/2024 15:13

Amsterdamgirl · 20/11/2024 14:38

thing is… I ‘ghosted’ him twice.

first time was during the bereavement (close family). But I did tell him I was really sad so don’t have the energy to chat. Then I got back in touch with him again 2 weeks later after feeling a bit better but I was still so overwhelmed and he was getting deployed in another location from one location. So I had second thoughts and told him I don’t think this is a good idea.

I deleted the app and everything. Didn’t speak to anyone for a few months as I was really unwell mentally.

now that I know he’s back in UK, I don’t know I wanna meet him now. And I feel a lot better now.

Leave him be, you decided it was a no, your first instinct is probably right.

He has a job that can be ultra stressful and he thought enough of you to offer friendship for now but you turned him down on two counts and unfriended him. While you had your reasons for doing that, anyone who cared for him would have stayed in contact, however they were feeling. You are missing his company but not enough to consider seeing him. You are not in the right headspace now any more than you were then.

Being the partner of anyone in the military is not an easy life, some manage, many don't. You have to be able to be present when he is able to be, sometimes he will be physically there and not present, emergency services and other high stress employees can be the same. It's not for everyone, many split, let him find someone who can cope with his career choice and be there for him and so he can be there for her.

You will find someone who you care for enough to keep in touch with whatever happens in your life, it's just not this particlar person.

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