Family don't bother with me & my baby

[MauveWasp]

Hi guys going to make this as short as possible I'm 26 years old, I have a 8 month old daughter, I live in a womens refuge, and have done for the last 8 months also.

I have a mother, father and 2 brothers

When we grew up we were a close family, until my parents got divorced

We all now live separately.

My mum got in a relationship with someone else really quickly, and ever since she got with him she just become really distant. Never invites anyone over etc

Every Xmas there's no invite around her house, or a Xmas dinner made for me, theres no anything! No effort made at all

My dad's pretty much the same but my dad always hate Xmas anyways. My mum never she loved it at one point and use to go above and beyond when we all lived together

Every year I'm left worrying about what my siblings are doing for Xmas and I always sort somthing out for us. Neither parent helps us out or makes a plan with us at all (bare in mind I'm living in a refuge at the moment, it would be nice to of been invited somewhere for Xmas day than sit here)

Anyways fast forward to this year ive decided I'm not even getting invovled in what anyone is doing this year as I'm now a mother myself and want to spend the day with just my daughter. And not worry about what everyone else is doing. Plus the past year of my life I've needed support from my family and have had F all

Am I nasty for thinking like this, should I be worried about what my brothers are doing. I mean I've lived in this refuge for 8 months and neither of them have visited me not once.

I feel cruel but I think its time to switch off from it all and sit back for once this year

I'm a big fan of matching other people's energy. I think when you chase and chase a relationship with someone who behaves like they don't care that will lead to some serious resentment which is never a healthy emotion.

Spend Christmas with your DD and I hope that you are able to build real relationships with other people that will actually fulfill you. I think you should always focus on the good relationships even if not with family.

I hope you have a peaceful Christmas.

What a lovely reply, thankyou.

Exactly what I'm going to start doing! X

My brother couldn't organise a p up in a brewery. I honestly think that the lions share of organising stuff tends to fall to women.
In your shoes I would be having honest conversations even if just by text. It's fine to tell people what you want from them. It's ok to ask others to step up and do something.
I totally get where you are coming from, at the same time, it's nice to see family at Christmas if you all get on. Perhaps ask them to sort out a family event and let you know where and when?

Also, if your mums behaviour has changed, is she definitely ok?

Have you reached out to them? Sometimes communication is a two way process. Maybe contact them and meet up for coffee. Maybe they feel hesitant at contacting you at the refuge.

I didn't think I would have to drop hints as an adult

Surely they would use their brains and realise I'm living in a refuge and now have a child.. 2 things which I didn't have previous years

You'd think family would take some responsibility off your hands

No my mums probably not okay, she's in her own controlling shambles of a relationship, which I've given up trying to help her to. I'm putting my daughter before all of them

I don't think you're being mean at all, you do what makes you happy after a difficult year.

But will just say I love my brothers and we get on but I doubt they start to think about Christmas arrangements until a couple of weeks before (which is annoying when you're trying to plan), maybe your brothers are the same and it just hasn't occurred to them yet?

Also did you used to have a good relationship with your mum? Just worries me a bit that she's become isolated from you since being in a new relationship. Could her new partner be controlling/abusive?

It seems like you have had a tough year and I am glad that you and your daughter are safe .

I think your family also seem a bit rubbish at organising things and it looks like your Mum has her own issues .

I personally would enjoy a non pressurised Christmas in pjs with non traditional food . But what do you want ? I think unfortunately if you want to see your family you will have to spell it out to them and help to arrange it .

Don't put on financial pressure on yourself to have your daughter's first Christmas as an expensive one . I think I got 1 present for my eldest . They are really too young to have any idea . It will be special though because it is her first and you seem like such a lovely mum .

I think it is easy to get hurt when we think how we would have reacted in any situation and others don't do the same . It would be lovely if your family were to put you and your daughter first and to think about what they could do for you . Sadly I think a lot of people are self absorbed and leave it to others to organise .
Whatever you do I hope that you and your daughter have a lovely time .

Christmas is probably the worst time possible to get in touch with any of them, such a high pressure day. I think it would be better to try and build bridges in the new year, maybe reach out to your mum and / or brothers then. I get that it would be nice to be given some support now, but for whatever reason that’s not on the cards, so best to accept it and try small, less pressured contact after Christmas.

But respectfully, OP, it sounds as if dealing with family Christmas arrangements is a self-chosen task — if you didn’t do it, no one else would, because none of them are that bothered about Christmas. And honestly, it seems like a misplaced direction for your energy at the moment - you have a young baby, and you’re clearly not living in a refuge for a happy reason, so why not focus solely on yourself and your daughter, and what you want to happen next? Because, bluntly, if your family haven’t demonstrated any particular concern that you’re in a refuge with a baby, or with the reasons that have meant you’re there, they’re pretty unlikely to be thinking about inviting you for Christmas.

Have you got any friends or anyone in the refuge who is also alone? I've shared Christmas before with people I don't know very well and it has been very fun. Just make sure they are not idiots!

This sounds really hard and maybe the best thing is to focus on moving forward and finding your own network. The people I love most are not related to me. The people I ring when something goes right, or wrong, or I need support, are not my family by blood. I just found them through work, my daughters hobbies etc.
In relation to refuge I don't know what yours is like as they vary but our local one do some lovely things over Xmas including on Xmas day for anyone who is going to be in. Have you asked?

Wish I could host you and your little girl for Christmas! Hope you both have a lovely first one together.