When is it abuse?

[mountainmummy1936]

I'm at a loss. I don't know where to draw the line and feeling pathetic. I have been with my partner for 15 years. It's always been a little turbulent but always worked through/got on with it and we have two beautiful boys. The last year has been bad. He says things like I'm thick and he doesn't respect me or care about what's going on with me (currently have a 4 month old). He been angry and not talking to me for over a month. Tells me the only reason I'm able to stay home and look after the kids and have a roof over my head is because of him. Don't get me wrong I have done my fair share to irritate him but and he works extremely hard to provide for us but when is it not okay?

That’s not ok.

None of that is OK.

You do not give up your right to be treated with respect and kindness by becoming a SAHP.

Verbal abuse, being denigrated and given the silent treatment are all abusive behaviours.

None of this is ok. Its been turbulent as well because its never been stable. There is always an undercurrent of abuse and the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. It sounds like you've done all the donkey work whereas he has never complied; abusers never comply. You, and in turn your kids, are being abused here by him. The silent treatment to you that is still ongoing after a month is another form of emotional abuse.

Your relationship with him is really over now because of the abuse he metes out to you and in turn your kids. None of this is your fault and you have never provoked him into abusing you. This is ALL on him.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?. Do you want them to grow up thinking that yes your relationship example is how men should treat women?. Your boys deserve better and he is not a good father to them if he treats you as their mother in these ways.

What is the situation re the finances and property?. I take it you are not married to this man. Do consider contacting Womens Aid as they can and will help you further.

That's not how someone who loves you should be treating you. Don't make your DC grow up in a house where everyone walks on eggshells around his moods. You all deserve better

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's definitely abuse and there are people you can talk to about your experiences and where you might want to go from here. Call Womens Aid or Refuge national domestic abuse helpline. It doesn't have to be physical for them to help you and they can talk through your options and help you make a plan.

It's just so hard. He often tells me he has given me everything I've ever wanted and it's true. I wanted the dog, kids, house etc and he has never said no. We also have such a history together, traveled the world have a large joint group of friends I just feel so lost. A lot of our friends who I'm very close to who know the situation are telling me it's not okay I just dont know where to go from here. We live in a house his father bought for us and I have no savings as it's always been 'ours' and since I've become a mum I haven't been working full time. I constantly tell him it's not okay in front of the kids as I'm petrified they are being damaged by this environment. The newborn he isn't interested it at all at the moment so I'm doing all the baby care and am just so exhausted

So he's had no agency in this at all, he never wanted family life, kids or somewhere to live 🙄, it's all just you?

He'd, what, be squatting in a tent and being a free spirit if it wasn't for you chaining him down, is it?

It's such balls he's selling you, OP.

it's verbal and emotional abuse the silent treatment is a control tactic.
what family support do you have should you need to leave?

It's not going to get better, this is who he is. It's more than likely going to escalate.

I would get some decent legal advice and gather all relevant financial information.

If you have to ask the question whether something is abuse, it's most definitely abuse!
I know you're feeling overwhelmed right now. Start by getting a level head.
Get a clear idea of your shared financial situation. Where is the money you've built up together? Figure out what steps you need to take towards financial independance and divorce. Get professional and legal help. Also don't be too ashamed to turn towards your network. Ask friends and family members to help you rebuild your life after you leave him.

You don't have to do everything right now. You don't have to have all the answers right now. And you don't have to do it alone.
One step at a time, one day at a time. You can do this.

Oh love, I'm so sorry. All of that worry you have for your children needs to take into account the impact on you as well. The best thing you can do is remove yourself and your children from this. I have a friend who has stayed with a verbally abusive partner and her son has learnt to speak to her in exactly the same way, and will go on to speak to other women the same as well I would imagine. It is a horrible price she has paid to maintain the relationship.

He's chipping away at your self esteem, your confidence as well as your identity with every derogatory, inflamatory word and remark. This is to make you feel you would be nothing and no one without him. He's a malicious, nasty individual who is destroying his family and should be ashamed of himself..

So, be a survivor, be strong because you have 2 kids to raise and contact womens aid who will be able to advise you on the next steps which will lead you to the emotional freedom that you and your children need right now.