Friends with benefits experiences

[Justkeepswiimming]

I'd love to hear about everyone else's FWB experiences. I've been single for 4.5 years and have a young daughter who I share care for. I've been like a nun through this period apart from one drunken night.

A FWB opportunity has presented itself to me. I do not want an emotional relationship and he's definitely not relationship material. I've known him for years although we've only messaged for a long time. Sexual attraction was there when we last met and we've sexted each other over the years. Mutual benefit would definitely br there. But I'm pretty nervous. I've not done anything like this before. I'd love to hear about how people made it work for them.

The problem you could have is that when women have sex with the same person repeatedly, we could become attached. Then feelings grow and become involved. Then you get hurt if it’s not reciprocated. So I would say, you would have to be absolutely 💯sure you could handle it. You would also have to be 💯 sure that you are protected against any STI’s or STD’s. And if you really don’t want a relationship and feel like you’re beginning to have feelings, you have to cut it off pronto. Especially, if the feelings aren’t reciprocated. Maybe have a read about sexual attachment types and see which feels most like you. This way, you might be able to decide if you would be comfortable with it. Also, ask yourself if it’s not good and you don’t want to go there again, how would you handle that? Or, if it just fizzles out, or if HE becomes attached and wants a real when you don’t, how would you navigate the aftermath? Would you feel awkward or not? Would you be anbme to dump him? All important questions to consider. Sex is rarely straightforward for most people. That’s not to say it can’t be but it’s worth thinking about before you end up in a situation you’d rather not be.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-freedom-change/202003/sex-and-attachment-styles-what-you-need-know

@TipsyJoker that is my concern. I'm pretty clear in my mind I don't want anything like that. But as I've never done anything like that, who knows how I'll react.

It worked for me for six years. I did have feelings but we had a great friendship above all else so I'd step back for a little while sometimes. Like you, I don't want a relationship or emotional commitment to anybody so the arrangement worked well for me.

So long as you go into it with your eyes open it can be great. I've had a FWB for years now. We laid the ground rules before we started & nothings changed. We get together on average about every 10 days but chat a bit on WhatsApp in between

I've had one for just over 2 years now
It's worked really well, he comes to mine, we enjoy ourselves and he leaves.
There's no set days, a simple text is sent and that's that.
Minimum communication outside of fulfilling our needs.
I did grow quite soft on him when I was grieving my dad because he was so lovely and caring of me and I asked him if he'd like to date. He said no and that was the end of that. I took a few weeks away to allow my crush to die and when it did it went back to our usual arrangement.

Being honest he's really spoilt my idea of sex as he's so bloody good. It means when I date I am very selective because I know he (date) would have to be to better by quite some margin and then some.

@Redglitter what are your ground rules?

I had a (pretty inappropriate) FWB for a couple of months after a long relationship broke down, and before i was ready to start dating. I chose someone from my past that I knew could never be a thing. It was exciting and naughty and did exactly what I hoped it would, took my mind off my failed relationship and got me back into the mind set of meeting someone else.

Sadly he became too attached, despite knowing it was only a non serious thing for me, in the end I had to block him as he couldn’t accept that I didn’t want a relationship with him.

i think if both parties accept the rules and take it for what it is it can be a very pleasant distraction from life.

@Itschristmasssss I'm as confident as I could be we're in the same space. I've known him since I was a teen and we've messaged on and off for years. I know I can't predict how I'll act, but I do know I'm not thinking sex maybe more. I think the maybe more is the dangerous bit. I'm adamant I don't want a relationship, or to compromise my freedom. I hope that's the right headspace. He's recently come out of long term relationship and also has no interest in going back there for now.

I have suggested this before on MN and been called names!

l think you benefit from having 2 special friendships (I hate the FWB term) rather than one. That way your energies and emotions are shared. Neither should be a secret from each other, nor should they meet.

Plus a little variety can be lovely.

l’ll now wait for someone to throw some pearls at me.

I see the logic, but have you done this, and did it ‘work’ as an arrangement?

‘Special friendship’ just reminds me of the US/UK supposed ‘special relationship’ and makes me imagine Keir Starner and Trump sexting one another, which is enough to put someone permanently off sex…

@Vissi - Yes it worked for me.

“Special friendship”- l introduced to my own vocabulary, because being old school (40s), friends used to laugh at my use of the word “lovers”.

I wonder at why you've kept in contact and sexted over a period of years? That already shows a long spanning connection for some reason. If you never heard from him ever again, would you be bothered? If he's recently out of a LTR, does that mean he was still in it while sexting you? If so it's already an indication that he is less than honest about things. I think there's a reason you've kept contact for years, if it's not an emotional tie from your end, it could be his end. Someone will get hurt, if not you, then him maybe?

I’ve never had one, but I wouldn’t rule it out. My issue is I can’t find anyone I am interested in for anything 😆 I think I’ve been single too long.

Not everyone feels attachment via sex alone - takes me a long time for that to happen and is very separate to sex. Things like showing emotional support etc. I think it depends on this as to how it will go as not everyone views these things as separate.

Some people on here will always say casual sex only benefit men, and whilst I would agree in some instances (ie hook up culture) that certainly isn’t always the case.

Ew at those 2 sexting each other 🤮😆😆

I’ve responded up thread, to add, I’ve never got the sexting malarky, l like real sex, but sexting? I’d just burst out laughing.

@Opentooffers I think there was a sexual connection when we first met. I was too young and inexperienced to do much with it. Timings/distance have meant it's never gone further.

I'm now married to my fwb, and we have a child. Neither of us wanted anything serious, it just happened!

@SnugCoralFinch I'm very clear i want to remain single in an emotional sense of the world. I enjoy my life and my freedom. I have a young daughter and complications of adding someone to that are too great and I'm just not interested. Her Dad is doing just that at the moment and I want to be an anchor for her and when I'm with her to focus only on her.

That's not to say I don't miss the sex. And that for me is what it would be about. I don't see why a woman couldn't benefit from that arrangement.

No I absolutely think I can.

It just tends to get negative responses on here. It’s not a black and white subject though.

People marry you when you turn your back for just one moment 😀!

My sister met her now husband at a mutual friend’s wedding in an hotel while checking in, she bedded him within an hour or so of meeting and they’ve been married years.

Indeed! There's a weirdly reductive view on here at times that men are like this (basically drooling animals who are always ready to indiscriminately shag anything), and that women are like that (only really interested in sex if it leads to long term security, weekends at IKEA, a life spent ironing his pants in domestic bliss). Utter nonsense.

Mind you, finding the perfect FWB can be tough. Someone whose company you enjoy and who you fancy, yet who isn't looking for a LTR and where neither of you catch feelings? Not easy. I had one for 6 months, but he caught feelings, yet his home situation was an absolute car crash (still living with his ex in the midst of a messy breakup). I moved on because I wanted a LTR- just not with him 😬 (and in fact he got together with someone much faster than I did!)

I think a lot depends on you. Some women aren't keen on sex if they're not emotionally involved. Others are fine with it. The one thing about singledom that is annoying is the lack of sex, so an FWB can fix that without all the timeconsumption of a relationship, which just doesn't always fit in with everything else going on in life.

How would you feel if he started seeing someone else and got serious with her?

It can work well, but I don't think it can work well for everyone.

I will point out he was also adamant he was never getting married, shocked his mum when he told her he was planning to propose 😂

See all this 'don't sleep with someone in a first date or he won't respect you' is absolute rubbish!!

Exactly. If someone is going to have sex with you and sail off into the sunset, it’s better to find out sooner rather than later.

If you are having sex on the first date, so is he. Those who apply double standards are not wanted in my boudoir.

Likewise it’s better to find out asap if someone is selfish in bed.

I've had two. With one we both caught feelings but it never would have worked for us so we ended it. The second one I ended up marrying. And yes, the "don't have sex immediately" advice is misogynistic bullshit.

I just don't think I can do sex without feelings. I wouldn't have sex with someone I didn't like a lot as a person, and that's already a basis for a relationship!