Husband calling son useless

[CakeCakePlease]

I am leaving my husband anyway but I’m seeking advice on some of the things he says/does to our children. Earlier today I asked our oldest to check on our youngest. Oldest went to check and accidentally hit his elbow on the door frame. He sat down rubbing his arm and husband started shouting at him to go and check on youngest. He didn’t give him a chance to take a moment as he had hurt himself then when DS refused DH stormed out of the room shouting “you are the most useless child on earth”

I was on the phone on hold at the time and oldest looked at me saying how mean Daddy is.

Am I overreacting? I am not comfortable with him calling DS useless.

Youngest then came out of the shower and DH danced around joking that he was drying DS off and proceeded to repeatedly fart on him! 🤢

I have told him not to call our son useless but he then calls me a pushover and that I let our oldest walk all over me. That DS could literally murder someone and I wouldn’t say anything (!)

Seeking advice please. Thanks.

You need legal/professional advice on how his behaviour is affecting your children and ways to mitigate that. Keep a diary of these comments/behaviours.

Are you married to Peter Griffin? That's terrible behaviour

What an utterly despicable Prick.

This has made the colour drain from my face your husband sounds like an absolute C* get yourself and the kids far away from him and tell their schools about his behaviour ALL of the instances

He is dreadful OP. It doesn’t sound like he knows how to be a parent. Does he actually want shared custody? I can see him being too lazy to bother.

You can’t get through to him because he is ignorant and abusive. Shouting and name calling is emotional abuse.

I presume your H's parents acted like this towards your now H as a child so is repeating what they taught him.

He is now abusing you and in turn your children. Now your eldest is beginning to copy his abusive father. Trying to protect your children from him whilst you are all under the same roof is an impossible task. Given how he behaves I doubt very much he will see much of his children post divorce as they will in his eyes interfere with his work and leisure time.

How far are you along in this plan of separating and divorce from him?. I would look into expediting that process given how your children are already being affected. Use Womens Aid and a local firm of Solicitors to get you away from him.

One colleague, who was in his forties had had this from his father all his life. Being frequently called a waste of space had sapped his strength and will power when he was starting work and only after living in London for 10 years and not in the village did he develop into a reliable worker.
After you get settled you may want to follow up on personal development and motivation for you all, especially the teen. Beware Andrew Tate type influencers.

I’ve been given the number of a good solicitor who was recommended by Women’s Aid. My next step is to contact them and seek advice. Yes my husband’s Mum and various step dads treated DH awfully as a child, he had a terrible childhood and had a number of dreadful step fathers. It’s hard to say how long the process will take as I’m awaiting a property to move into. Potentially 6 months?

He’s a bully

Jesus. How vile 😡

6 months is too long. Send him back to mummy.

"I’ve been given the number of a good solicitor who was recommended by Women’s Aid. My next step is to contact them and seek advice. Yes my husband’s Mum and various step dads treated DH awfully as a child, he had a terrible childhood and had a number of dreadful step fathers. It’s hard to say how long the process will take as I’m awaiting a property to move into. Potentially 6 months?"

I hope you contact them tomorrow; do not delay unduly here.

I would also look at obtaining legal advice on non molestation and occupation orders given your H's abusive behaviour.

Six months is indeed too long as well, he needs to go long before then and he should leave the marital home. If he further kicks off do not be afraid to call the police.

Just leave, as soon as possible. Well done for getting away from such a pig.

I have a grumpy teen who is not perfect by any means but would never say MOVE or SHUT UP to me because he knows perfectly well I would stop cooking food, washing his clothes or driving him anywhere. We treat each other (mostly) with respect in my house.

As soon as you and the DCs have a new home, sit them down and make it clear that no-one will be calling anyone useless in your house, but equally MOVE and SHUT UP are unacceptable. Reset expectations very clearly.

Also remember that if your teen doesn't want to see his father, that is his right.

Thank you. It’s good to hear another viewpoint and that my teen repeatedly saying shut up and move etc isn’t completely normal. He name calls too and says “well, Daddy says it, why is it ok for him to call you names?” Or “Why don’t you punish Daddy when he calls you/us names?”

I like the idea of resetting in the new place and laying down new ground rules about what is not acceptable in the new place.

He’s close to his Father so will want to keep seeing him when we split.

You need to reset now. tell him daddy isn't allowed. His behaviour is terrible and then consequences are I am leaving him. You have to take responsibility here. You need help parenting so start another thread but don't pretend that you can't do anything here. You can and you must.

Do you have any men if your life who are kind and decent OP? I think it’s important for your children to have a good male role model as it clearly isn’t their father.

Yes and humiliation, abusive horrible man

Pull him up I. Front of the kids every time. Say he’s not useless, ha may have done a useless thing but he’s not useless.
when you’ve got kids on their own, don’t criticise him but tell them they are not useless or whatever the word is.
he’s destroying their self esteem

For your son's mental health, get them away from him.

People think children and teenagers don't remember the insults parents made when stressed but they do. Something as simple as telling your child "stop being stupid" can be all it takes to push them over the edge and you'd never forgive yourself

What your husband says to your son will become his inner voice. If your dad believes you are useless, you will too. The farting thing is clearly meant to humiliate him and display dominance over him. This is a recipe for a very damaged child. Please protect him.

I have been in this exact situation and thankfully got him gone from the house last year. He picks the kids up 4 times a week from school drops them off at mine and that’s all they get from him. I had this for years and believe me when I tell you you are doing the right thing and the only thing you can do- get out. Just to add too as others have said once he has gone the contact will probably drop - my ex does the bare minimum but that is OK with me as the less he sees my children the better.

@CakeCakePlease im sure you’ll remind your kids how much they dislike it when their (uselesshorribleabusive) father speaks to them in that way, and that you’re sure they can be so much better.

Tell him that you do think that the sun shines out of the backsides because they are your children and you love them unconditionally. He is obviously jealous of the attention that you give your children.

The sooner you get yourself and your kids away from him the better.