Struggling with MH while husband has back pain

[Onthefenceaboutmarmite]

Hi NC for this one.
I feel like a terrible person.
My DH has had sciatica for around 3 months and it hasn’t been pleasant for him at all. He kind of ignored it in the earlier stages until it got really bad, by which point he can’t walk far/stand for long and is constantly stretching and griping, particularly in the evenings (which is the part of the day I see) so it really upsets me to see it. He has been to see osteo and nhs physio and is doing his exercises.

After not really understanding it in the early phases, I have tried to be supportive, offering massages, buying heat pads and other things to help him, taking on all the domestic load of hoovering, dog walks and all the school runs. I have been very worried and I have a medical background so have been doing lots of googling (chronic pain clinics, possible treatments, whether to pay for private mri etc). I do acknowledge that perhaps what he needs more is just steady support rather than someone trying to fix him, but I do just want him to feel better. He has a manual job and a worry every day he goes out to work.

I also do have a stressful and senior role at work in a caring profession, and 3 children. I am perhaps already on the verge of burnout from all this without the extra work and worry of having an unwell husband. Also possibly peri.

Just lately I’ve got beyond the worry and upset and now feel sad and numb and like a shadow of myself just acting a role, like every day is a list of tasks until I can go to bed. I do feel sad and low most of the time. DH had noticed my poor sleep/tiredness/sadness/poor appetite and eventually I told him how I was feeling (which wasn’t easy as I don’t want to seem like I’m making this about me when he is the one suffering). I thought perhaps telling him might bring about a change, not necessarily in circumstances but perhaps some affection or reassurance from him. Instead he just went quiet like I’d hurt his feelings/rejected him, this morning he’s behaving like nothing was said. No particular warmth in his behaviour. I’m at a loss now, do I just accept that he isn’t capable of any more while his back is bad and just plough on as a wife-bot, sortimg everyone else out and not expecting more than that. My children are very caring, parents don’t really believe in MH, all my friends have bigger problems of their own.

sorry it’s long, thank you for reading

Sciatica is awful, I really feel for your DH.

What treatment is he getting for it? Physio can be really helpful.

In the same way that his sciatica is his responsibility to fix/improve, so is your MH. Have you taken any steps? Therapy or GP for example? I think you should

Sorry you're feeling this way.

Go to the doctor. You don't have to struggle on, if it's peri you might need some hormonal help, if you're depressed, you might need a bit of medication or other support for a while.

Maybe your dh needs time to digest what you've said, he might just be used to you being the rock.

I had a similar time in my life as a single mum with dying parents, senior job etc. No dog tho! I carried on going and ended up getting a less stressful job. Looking back I think I had burnout and have not wanted to take on anything stressful since. It still affects me years later.

in your shoes now I’d probably speak to employer and say you need to do less hours for a time. Or go off sick to give yourself some time to heal. Or see if anyone else can help practically. The tough part is the mental load though, and feeling you are not valued by your DH, hopefully that will change if you keep telling him you’re struggling. I hope you find something that helps you to get through, it sounds very hard x

I can imagine it’s left you feeling very unheard after you trying to help him so much.

It’s either he doesn’t have the capacity to acknowledge your not in a good way whilst he is struggling ( because he is in the trenches with it)

OR

He doesn’t like the fact you’re struggling too and won’t be able to focus on his struggles solely.

If it’s the latter OP I’d seriously consider where your relationship is at and how it’s going to look long term and if it’s actually something you want.

Meanwhile - focus on you because it sounds like complete burn out. Reduce your tasks at home - only do the most important ones. Have a chat with your GP about your hormones. There are lots of things available on line like you tube videos on meditation and self care. It sounds like you have to put yourself first for a while x

Thanks for all the messages and advice, we were able to talk it over and I think he gets it, he has been supportive about the work stuff and I’ve tried to do less and rest where I can. He said he thought maybe things were getting better but it’s just as bad as ever this weekend and I feel like it’s all just wishful thinking. I’m desperate now to use savings and go private for an mri, just to know what’s going on, as it’s been going on for months and both of our lives have changed so much. He clams up and won’t discuss if. I feel back to stage one of the worry cycle. It’s so difficult.

I'd get him to a private physio, one that has IDD therapy or theraflex. The NHS is absolutely terrible for this. It may not go away unless he is taught how to manage it. Is he doing McKenzie exercises, minimising sitting, minimising bending forward, walking as much as possible?

Neuropathic pain is awful.