Im posting this because I need help to fix my marriage and if dh reads it, he reads it!

[mosschops30]

dh left me yesterday after days of arguing. Then he came back this morning and said he wanted to come home.
I said I needed to think about things and didnt know what i want so hes gone back to stay with a mate tonight.

I just dont know what to do, of course I want my marriage to work but we've been here so many times before, and tried counselling, we seems to go round in circles with the same arguments, nothing changes, and to be honest I'm so tired of it all. Yesterday I just felt relieved that it was over but tonight i feel that I want him to come home but I dont know how to make things better.

I dont want it to be all false like, oh we'll txt each other nice little msgs or have sex more, because it doesnt last and we slip back into this nightmare.

any help would be great, I'm struggling here

I'm sorry that you're struggling [sad[]

I think, since you say you have wrestled with this prob for a while now and tried all sorts of solutions that haven't worked then you need to try something else.

it would be easy to have him come home because there are parts of him that you must like and having him at home is familiar and familiar things are comforting.

Going in to unfamilar territory is scary, of course

How about you spend a little longer living apart? See how you feel about things after a couple of weeks when any knee jerk reactions will have passed , then you and he can make a more rational and informed choice?

Good luck.

i have thought about that as an option but it would mean explaining stuff to dd and i think a trial split is hard on a child as theyre not really sure whats happening either way

right now i just wanna tell him to come home and give me a cuddle

Are you possibly replaying things that happened in your own parent' relationships?

Sometimes if you're not aware of those patterns, you repeat them over and over because they're familiar.

It sounds like there's affection between you but that you find daily life together difficult.

Don't know what your particular issues are, but couple-relationships are quite often finite ie they work for a while and then they are over. IF you ahve DC you need to move from couplehood to co-parenthood as amicalby and quickly as possible. Best of luck.

But it's not good for your dd to be part of the arguments and anger.
You think you are taking the easy/best way out for all of you by having him come home?

But how is is best for anyone. especially your dd to be surrounded by angry parents.

I think you are making excuses because you don't want to do what you know has to be done. I understand and sympathise, I've been there .

Stop procrastinating, for the good of your whole family.

I hate to say it but have you considered mediation/counselling with or without your dp? If you have, apologies .

ouch
[sympathy]

Sorry to read this. So what are the actual problems with the marriage? What needs fixing? What would fix each thing..er..that needs fixing. (sorry, it's still early! I don't regain the power of intelligent thought until my 10th coffee!) Would it be possible to make a list - sounds daft idea to try to go 1. 2. 3...but sometimes it can help to break it down into tiny bits and examine each thing on its own, rather than see this huge WAD called 'problems in the marriage', iyswim.

Thanks for your messages. Yes we tried counselling a couple of years ago but dh gave up after 4 sessions

the dc's are not involved in anything because we're not actually fighting, just talking and we do it at night, or outside away from ds (who's only 3) and dd (12)

I have thought about counselling just for me, i dont know why but I think it might be good. I can get it free with work so might try that.

dh coming over at 1pm to take me and ds for lunch (dd away) then we will come back here and talk about stuff. Neither of us want to go back to how it was or just brush it under the carpet, we know we cant just pretend everything is ok. He said dont ask me to come home just because its hard without me, and I can kinda understand that, but I didnt wake up wishing he was there this morning, yes it was weird but not too weird, so its not a lonely thing.

Oh i dont know, what a mess

oh sal u are the voice of reason. dh's exact words are 'youre not the same person i married'!!!
This course has changed me massively, i think for the better, he thinks not. I'm more confident, have made new friends and have got this totally different outlook on life. He just wants everything to stay the same and I feel like i grow and change every day.

I may try the counselling thing, see how it goes, although I think they'll have their work cut out with me lol.

(Congrats by the way, what a relief eh?)

sally - that's probably true in lots of cases where one partner does some heavy professional development after they're married. Their outlook changes, their expectations change, their self-confidence grows (provided they do well on the course!) and unless the partner can accommodate those changes there will be problems.

I think nursing is an interesting one. I did project 2000 when it first came out and it was a mess. Far too much useless academic stuff (and I was an Oxford grad. so it's not that it fazed me) and far too little practical hands-on so that we didn't really fit in anywhere. I'm sure it's improved since then, but I think nursing degrees are incredibly demanding, yet not as respected as other medical degrees, which is very frustrating.

sorry Sally - that last post was a bit of a mess. Just to say, I really sympathise. I can imagine how demanding it is to complete a nursing degree, be a mum and hold a marriage together.

Sorry to hear this Mosschops.

Bottom line is

Do you love him?

If you do then stick with it and work at it and communicate more with him.

does DH love you?

If he does then he has to work at it too and he has to talk and maybe agree to counselling again.

Doing the degree will have changed you and probably for the better. My xp said I had changed (and not for the better) after I took my job. What he meant was that i was not available to prop up his ego every few minutes! I hope in your case that you manage to get past this .

The dynamic has obviously changed in your relationship and dh doesn't like it for some reason. I think you should try relate again in all honesty. Hope you can resolve you problems.