Marriage in your fifties

[Whetherornotyoutry]

Does it ever work? Out of all my friends I would say only one couple has a happy marriage. Everyone else seems to be divorced, separated, thinking about separating (me), or living in some kind of loveless limbo but tolerating it for the kids.

At this point, I honestly don't know how much of the problem is down to dh and how much is possibly menopause-related. I'm scared of leaving and realising later that these feelings were temporary but also scared that this is it and it's not going to get better. Would especially love to hear from anyone who got over a crisis and has a happier marriage than before because at the moment that seems impossible.

I'm 50 and still happily married! Can you go into a bit more detail about why you want to separate? It's not clear from your post.

Where to start?! I guess I'm just fed up of dh being so emotionally distant. He doesn't really talk to me unless he's lecturing or giving instructions. He's very unaffectionate.

We recently went through a really hard time as a family and the kids were very affected, found it hard to sleep. He hasn't really acknowledged or helped with this, rather he's started to stay at work longer to avoid the problem.

He rarely consults me on (big) decisions he makes for the family which has always been a bone of contention and, in general, I just feel like I am holding the whole family together but it is a very lonely place to be. I would either like support or to be on my own and not have to pretend.

If H has always been as he is then I guess he won't change it's you that's changed.

I had a bumpy ride into perimenopause, we have had family bereavements and a couple of stresses with teenagers. But have come through things together, happier, still vety much a couple

But our natural state before that was affectionate, we talk about anything and everything, if one of us is being a dick it's pointed out, we argue and bicker to clear the air.

Don't you just reply, well thank you for that lecture Professor Yaffle but you haven't really got a fucking clue what you are talking about.

Or if he's barking instructions, you're sich the expert do it yourself then.

We still love each other so can always step back, listen to each other and move forward together. I guess without that love it would be a different position.

Do you still love your H? Does he still love you?

Have you told him you feel like right now your marriage feels like a pretense?

If you can't say this why not?

Have you told him how you feel OP? Would you be open to counselling to discuss how to improve your relationship?

@Whetherornotyoutry only you know if your marriage is worth saving. That will come if you talk to your DH and see if he's willing to listen to your concerns and can be introspective about his tendencies to behave like an arrogant misogynistic manager at work (where you've pointed out he seeks refuge on a regular basis).

it's a 50/50 ownership thing, being in a marriage and if he's not willing to meet you half way, then you have choices to make whether you'll continue to live out this unpleasant situation or take action to do your own thing.

what do you think he'd say and how would he react if you said you're reaching the end of the line and the stark options before you include divorce for xyz reasons...? Would he care?

It’s a common time to split because for many it’s the first opportunity to. Enough equity and children grown up. Retirement looming.

Life is financially easier in a couple so can you afford to go it alone? You need to assume you will be alone as new relationships after 50 are not easy.

I could have written your post. I’m also staying for the kids and wondering if it’s him or my peri menopause symptoms.
And yes, I feel lonely.

I really don't know if he'd care or not. About a year ago, I told him how unhappy I am and said he needed to change or come to counselling. Needless to say he's done neither. He says he really doesn't want to separate but he also doesn't seem to want to change. I'm very resentful that he seems perfectly happy to continue knowing how wretched I feel. I'm not sure I can get over that.

That sounds hard OP, especially with the added issues of peri/menopause. I'll probably be jumped on for saying this but have you ever suspected that he may be on the autistic spectrum?

@DustyLee123 I'm sorry you're going through this too.
@Farmgoose Unfortunately, not in such a good financial situation either. I've really messed up, haven't I?

We are 53&52 and very happily married after 28 years. We just get on very well and laugh at the same things, always have. DH is a doer and always is fair about tasks. I think when your hormones shift it does make you less likely to want to compromise so probably the oestrogen made you over look his negatives and now you see clearly. I would say don’t throw it away without talking to him and trying to find a way through. Perhaps seek help.

Leave him, then.

@Philandbill I don't know but I do know he would never agree to look into it anyway.

I also asked my DH for counselling, he agreed so I asked him to book it ( I thought he’d engage more if it was his choice) but he never did.
Neither did he stop/reduce the nightly bottle of wine that winds me up. My kids have grown up seeing that, and I stayed. I feel so upset at myself.

There's a thread/ board on Mumsnet for people who have a partner with ASC. Might that be helpful?

If you think that he won't change and is unlikely to go for couple's counselling then can you afford some solo counselling? You can go to Relate without a partner. You sound as if you need some time to really explore the situation and process the options. What do you actually like about him, not just the fact of being married?

It sounds really hard, and no, not all marriages in your fifties are like this, nor should they be. Lots of couples find each other again in a new way after the intensity of the raising children and teenager years when time 'alone together' has been harder to find. If you can't do that what joy is there in the relationship?

You need to ask yourself if you'd be happier alone.
Meeting a decent man in your 50s is a non starter but that doesn't mean you should stay in a miserable marriage if you can manage alone emotionally and financially.

I’ve questioned if I’d be happier alone, as I don’t want to be lonely. being with him brings such frustration and resentment. But is that peri menopause, and I’d settle down once I’m post menopausal 🤔
Ive actually been saying to myself this week that I can’t have another year of being so unhappy, I need to find my happy again. We all deserve to be happy.

I've jumped ship at 54, deciding I'd rather be alone and happy than trapped in a miserable lonely marriage.

No idea what the future holds, but I am excited to find out.

Peri menopause is making me distance myself and seek solitude more than ever. We use humour a lot to put it into context. He keeps his distance and I’m happy about that as I need so much more headspace these days as working a stressful job and sorting teenage kids.

Last night he said we need to take better care of our relationship. We always put work, dogs and kids first. We work together really well at keeping all of that flowing and the kids are super happy and we are happy too but I can see how the relationship between ourselves gets put on the back burner.

So, that’s our plan, now the kids are able to stay home on an evening, is to get out a bit more together. The thing is, if we go to a good gig we want the kids to come too! We also have our own bedrooms which was dangerous because I now love sleeping alone. He said he might move back in. We agreed but I asked if it could start next week! 😂

Oh I would love my own room! I sleep so badly and wake so easily these days.

I think this is part of the issue for me. I'm not happy but I think I could be unhappier on my own (completely). I think part of the issue for me is we couldn't have kids. So there is no-one in my life that's there for me unconditionally I guess. (I know having kids doesn't guarantee anything but still).

I feel like I could go a while without contact with anyone except work if I was single. I do have friends, not v close ones though and trying to bolster that but I do think if someone said to me you will absolutely not meet another bloke and settle down again in your 50s and beyond then I don't think I'd leave - I know that's perhaps pathetic and selfish but its the truth.

From the sound of it OP, he’s been emotionally distant & controlling for your whole relationship eg “He rarely consults me on (big) decisions he makes for the family which has always been a bone of contention”

it’s you that’s changed because now you’re in Peri and your oestrogen is dropping, you no longer have the hormonal drive to placate and keep him happy

when my mum left my dad she said to me that she’s rather be alone than lonely in a relationship. He seems quite happy to just carry on but that’s his choice, your choice is whether you want to live your life like that

if there are practical barriers to leaving eg finances then start looking at that and yes counselling for yourself

only one life, don’t waste it with a miserable man xx

The OP has raised dissatisfaction in her marriage, and you leap to autism. Do you realise how offensive your post is? Just because someone is an arsehole does not mean they're neurodivergent. Some people are just simply arseholes.

Yet another post alluding to autism.

Some people are emotionally distant. Period.