Actually how does one of you temporarily move out?

[unlikelychump]

What do you say to the kids I mean? Things are really bad with dh and I. He is totally emotionally shut down and unable to interact with any of us in any way normally. Burnt out. On the way to a breakdown. He cannot see how things might change and cannot make any changes to his behavior. (Just to be clear I am also not perfect but i can see changes, make changes). He was a very good parent up to age 4ish but hadn't got the skills for older children - so babies them, doesn't listen to them and dismisses them. He also shouts and argues like a teenager.

He knows it is bad but is unable to change,even after 6 months couple counseling. And he finds it easier just to say I am unkind.

It has got to the point where there is severe violence and arguing between the children. If we argue the autistic ones tear strips off each other. Same if he shouts. And he has shouted at them the last 3 nights.

He cried today that he knows it is really bad and he is really worried he is going to lose us. Then tonight is just as bad and the children have hurt each other, screaming upset and now I'm trying to settle them (still now)

I've just told him one of us needs to not be here tomorrow. Obviously I think this is him but he is going to fight me on this.

My - long winded intro - question is how do you actually do this? Put a brace face on and tell the kids you are going away for a few nights? Front up and tell them - look you know things are bad - dh/dw is going to stay with xx person for a few days?

I want to not make it worse but I really think some time is needed on both sides. I'm on my own with this bit as well as dh just won't agree with me on it.

I think I would try and model good problem solving skills, so to say to them 'sometimes taking a break can be helpful when we are arguing a lot, and so me/ dad is taking a break for a few days to help us, and i/they will be back on weds'. I'd be very specific on the day they are coming back as I think that would help. And i agree your husband should go, if you are able to cope alone. It sounds like you have a lot on. I hope you are OK. Am in similar circumstances and pondering a move like this myself, this is how I am thinking of dealing with this...

In my case the kids were used to their dad travelling on business so it was a convenient excuse to use.

Does your h have any extended family who “need help”? The kids have school so obviously have to stay at home while daddy travels alone.

Finding a 'reason/excuse' is the easy bit, it's getting him to go that is harder. What do people do, to actually get them to agree?

If he acknowledges he's behaving awfully and he's 'going to lose you' then how can he think he's the one who should stay with the kids? It sounds like he is abusive to them and he cannot be left to parent alone, I can't see how that would help.

Morning all, another sleepless night. His main premise is that it is my behavior that makes him behave how he does. He also thinks I've got my parenting approach wrong. He doesn't say that as a mean bully, he (used to be) a gentle man. He lacks the ability to deal with people around him

I'm now worrying about him going away. Whether it will make him worse and how much change I will be able to make in a couple of days. He was talking last night about staying in a b&b. I suggested he might stay with his parents (who actually could use the help) but he was horrified. He is clear he won't tell anyone. I also suggested he might take a few days sick from work but no again.

I am actually going away with work next Monday for 2 nights and so whatever I manage he will undo it then no doubt

It has taken a few goes to get here. I think watching the children fighting has shown him. He still thinks I am being unfair though and I know he will hold it against me.

Can you frame it as he goes next week as you are already going the week after?

I am not saying it is you, but it may be that with one less person to juggle and without the stress between you, he is better with the kids.

Yes I am wondering that.

He maintains that point for sure, and says he can cope fine, it is just problematic when I am there.

The children tell me otherwise. It is a catalogue of arguments, misery, uneaten meals and telephone calls to me to complain. Even the school have got involved in the past.
Writing that I can see I shouldn't really be going. I can't afford to give up my job and I don't want to be stuck in the house 24/7 anyway (same stuff happens if I go to the hairdresser)

You mention autism in the children, is that presumably from his side? Parenting is hard, parenting ND children is harder, parenting ND children as an ND parent I imagine would bring other levels of difficulty.

Oh heavens, that is definitely awful with school getting involved and the children complaining.

DH and I can stress each other out to the point it’s better for one of us to go out and cool off, and sometimes that spills into
impatience with the kids. But we can both parent competently on our own.

My ExH believed that I was a bad parent and that if I wasn't around he would be parent if the year.

Our children did not agree.

He wouldn't go so me and the kids moved out. It did come down to him being violent towards one of the kids and the police being called - which did rather puncture his claims of being a great parent.

I don't think he would be violent. Although he has said he has thrown things in the past.

He is in this such strange place of knowing it is bad but hoping it isn't really that bad.

I think my question has kind of been answered as they children are so down about last night that we haven't done our normal Sunday activities. Without meaning to I think it has primed us for what comes next.

I think a clear decision needs to be made.

If you are to separate a solid plan needs to be formed before it's presented to the children.

The plan sets out where you both will live and how the children will split their time.

It's sounds like there is a lot of stress in your relationship. If you are to stay together what do you think needs to change?

Thank you. I am really appreciating the help on this thread

We've managed a conversation today and I've talked him out of a b&b near work and then catching up on work in the evening to fill the time. He is going to call in sick - probably for the week and go and find a hill to walk up. I've told the children and they have just shrugged.

I think the longer term question is the harder one to answer. I am not sure how we can Co parent effectively, and I don't think we have ever done this successfully before.

I almost feel like the best solution would be for him to work away in the week and then come home for weekends. Disney dad would be a distinct improvement, I'd love it if he wanted to do the fun bits

Nailed it

I'm sorry OP but this man is emotionally abusing you and your children.

He tells you that it's your behaviour that causes him to behave the way he does and that you are unkind;both are obviously not true and he has no right to blame for his own shortcomings.

It has to be him that leaves because it's not safe to leave your children with him;he cannot cope with them (again that's a him issue);the fact the school has to get involved when you've worked away before is concerning.

As for someone suggesting that he's possibly ND himself and is struggling to parent his ND kids;I'm ND and have to manage to parent my 3 ND kids;it doesn't give me an excuse to abuse my spouse and kids.

You need to bite the bullet OP and kick him out;you and your children can't carry on like this;I doubt the situation is repairable as you said you did six months of couples counselling and it hasn't improved the situation;someone actually has to be willing to change in order for that to work.

I'm so very sorry you're in this situation OP.

He has gone. The telling the kids was easier than I thought it would be in the end. I said Daddy isn't feeling so good (he stayed in bed all morning) they barely even reacted. Later I said that I thought he needed a bit of a break, they all agreed. Then after a bit I said he was going away for a few days

Big tears when he left from 2 of them and now we are all calming down

He is calling in sick and is going to climb a mountain.

I just went up for a private cry in our room but he has left it in such a state of dirty washing, plates and rubbish that I got over that!!!