Is this usual?

[Aibuforthisthought]

Been dating for 5 over years. Every weekend, holidays but not Christmas, live around 90 minutes away from each other.

He has adult children. Every birthday he goes for meal birthday celebration with ex wife, adult child and partner to celebrate. Feels odd. Always done it. Ex wife has no partner so they all get together.

I meet up with my adult child and partner but with him and not my ex husband to celebrate. All get on but don't feel the need to just mum and dad and child each time since we've all moved on.

Aibu

Wouldn't be an issue if you were invited too and after 5 years I'd be expecting an invite

I feel uncomfortable since ex isn't very nice, lots of snipey comments. I don't go and for the early years never invited. It's family. I feel like I ought to let them get on with it but also it feels odd.

But what if you 2 end up getting married?
Or do you not see the relationship progressing past what it currently is?

Thats not on at all.

Can he give an estimate of when he might be free to spend Christmas and Birthdays with you or is this going to be a life long commitment?

We wouldn't get married.

I think it's set the path of the way forward. Family first. I get that with small children but adults needing to be there at birthday get togethers feels odd.

I could go but would feel very awkward now

I feel I'm not a priority. So, so far I've sucked it up. Growing unease and resentment now though.

If it's an arrangement you're happy with then that's fine. Sucking anything up doesn't work long term without some fallout.

Probably live together but then this strange situation would continue. I realise I'm not a priority.

I'm feeling increasingly resentful

What are the ages of everyone involved here?
Are you likely to have kids of your own or are you out of that age bracket?
How old are the adult children? 20 & still at Uni? Or in their 30s?

In our 50's
Adult children are mid 20's
Too old for our own children, wouldn't want any if we could

I don't think it's odd, I would quite like my ex to do this, getting on is much better than the animosity he and his ex have. I wouldn't want to be invited but I'd be happy for them to celebrate a birthday. If the children enjoy it and have a good time then I certainly wouldn't want to stand in the way.

I understand this arrangement when children are young but now they are in their mid-20s, it seems odd. A mid-20's child is perfectly capable of having a separate birthday meal with each parent. I wonder if this started because your partner knew his ex would be hostile towards you, if you were invited? Perhaps she's had an issue with you being in her ex husband's life? He's not invited you, to keep the peace? Is this possible? Even if it is, then it's time to start inviting you for a meal with him and his children and their partners, and asking them to make arrangements separately to celebrate with their Mum. Do his children like you? Do you see them? Could it be that they aren't comfortable with you in their Dad's life?! If that's the case I understand why you're not invited.

I am of similar age and have a similar arrangement for kids birthday's with my ex. So does my partner with his ex. Neither of us would want to go along with the others ex. We did have a 2nd dinner this year with my kids and partner. Would that help you feel better about it?
The Christmas thing would bother me a lot more.
Does he spend all of xmas day with ex and their kids?

I can understand why this doesn’t make you feel on top of the world but you ought to try and change your perspective

He is essentially doing this for his children, his children clearly value their parents doing it and it probably feels natural for their birth parents to be doing it together.

I would let this go. You have said you wouldn’t want to go along anyway - I certainly wouldn’t want to be in the company of an ex wife!

When you say “all birthdays” do you mean the (adult) child’s birthday? I originally thought you meant DP’s birthday but now sounds like it’s just the child’s birthday and you’re invited but choose not to go? So sounds like you’re the issue. Perfectly reasonable of child to want to celebrate with both parents so if you’re invited then what’s the problem?

If it’s DP celebrating own birthday with his ex then that’s odd.

Thanks for replies.

Perhaps its a good idea then and I should just keep out of it. Ex isn't particularly nice to me and wasn't to his previous girlfriend either. When I first met her she spent almost the entire meet up running down his previous girlfriend. He split up with his wife when youngest child was around 5 so a long time ago and because she was having an affair with female friend. Children didn't know that and still think just a split. I find her very negative and one moment friendly ish and the next nasty.

Christmas he had his adult children round and because she is single and lonely she joined them.

I've been divorced many years ( more years divorced than married ) we had 2 children who are both grown up and see their father . The only time I have ever seen him was at dcs wedding , we never spoke and I barely even think about him .

His bday or adults kids'? Big difference to me.

Christmas though, how would that ideally look to you?

I think it’s good that he celebrates his adult child’s birthday with them. If they meet regularly why shouldn’t one of those occasions be on their birthday. Their mother being there is a positive thing too. They get along which makes life easier for their child. It wouldn’t bother me to not go to these birthday meals- they are just time he is spending with his child.

Never spending Christmas together, on the other hand, would be an absolute deal breaker for me. For those who celebrate it part of the joy of it is being with the people you love. Many can’t organise that every single year, but to not be bothered about spending any Christmas with you, I think is insulting. I don’t think getting along well for the rest of the year makes up for being shown how unimportant come Christmas.

When the DC involved are old enough to bring their 'partner' along (not even boy/girlfriend, but actual partner? 🤨)
Then it's time to stop mollycoddling them.

Looks like it's simply something your DP wants to continue indefinitely.