Noted
Please buckle up…. This is going to be a long one!!! However, I’m putting most of it out there as I’m interested in other people’s opinions & viewpoints regarding my current relationship.
The back story!!
4.6 years ago, I separated from my husband after 28 years & 3 children. Sadly, we had a honeymoon period of 2 years & then the relationship concentrated on work life, then married 5 yrs later, followed by our 3 children.
We then focused on being parents & lost our connections along the way.
At times we rekindled but often reverted back to being parents & work commitments.
Then prior to Covid resentment started to build, my husband was/is a good person, a good dad, generous & easy going, although we are both avoidant’s of conflict, so rarely argued but we would go quiet, let emotions settle & pick up from where we left off!
The negative side was he wasn't necessarily affectionate, he was highly critical towards me & not very supportive at all. (Even though I was super independent & rarely asked for support, when I needed him the most.. he wasn’t there & I felt abandoned & let down on those rare occasions) Over time, this broke me & I felt I needed to save myself & preserve my mental well being. (I was also struggling with perimenopause unbeknown at the time)
I finally got my ducks in a row & we separated just like that.. no open discussion’s, no compromise, no reassurance (from him) so b4 the resentment became toxic. I had to leave as I knew he was stubborn & he would never leave or allow me to stay within our home)
Thankfully over time it's remained amicable & we don't ever discuss divorcing or rekindling. We're still a family & I love my husband & always will be grateful for our family.
However, 5 months after separation a work colleague/ friend separated from his partner of 6 years & became homeless. I regretfully offered him a safe place in my rented flat until he got back onto his feet (I had a spare bedroom & ensuite) during this time he declared his interest in me & stated he always felt butterflies, whenever he saw me at work but knowing I was married & out of respect he never told me! (If I'm honest, I had sensed he had a soft spot for me but never thought much about it mainly because I always sensed he was a lovely human being as he is & nothing would ever become of us, plus I had always enjoyed his company at work & with the odd coffee catch up (3 times in 10 yrs) but I was never interested in him in a romantic way, plus I didn't find him physically attractive!
Anyways... fast forward after a month or so of working & house sharing, he declared everything to me & yikes....
at 1st my gut shouted
'This is not what you want or need'
My heart screamed...
'Oh but how will he feel if I reject him?
I don't want to embarrass him!,
if I reject him, how will this impact our friendship?
How will it impact our working relationships?
My head questioned
'maybe this could be fate?
Maybe this explains why I always sensed a connection (albeit friendship)
Maybe this is our destiny? 🥴
Urghhhh.... anyways, I decided to go with the flow & see what comes from it!!🤔
There were many red flags as soon as we crossed that line... love bombing, I'm his soul mate, he loves me unconditionally, he’s never loved or felt this way for anyone before, this is new for him!!, jealousy, stalking to a point! Questioning my whereabouts?? Constantly phoning & checking up on me whenever apart, he changed his shifts to work majority of mine? He would sulk if I didn't answer my calls or text back! immediately!! Or if I went to visit friends or go randomly shopping!
Green flags, he's always been consistent, he walks the talk, & talks the walk, he's kind, thoughtful, caring, supportive, open minded, he's understanding & we can communicate well & open to compromise, he is very proactive & I like to describe him as a golden retriever, he's always one step ahead of me & he's always got my back.
BUT.... I've always been push & pull with my emotions! I love him dearly for him HOWEVER,..... I'm not in love with him & after an initial 6 month honeymoon period I haven't felt in love with him! 😔
(I do believe I have avoidant attachment tendencies & he most definitely has anxious attachment issues) so I’m unsure if this could be our issues?? 🤷🏽♀️
I get frustrated with myself for not being able to fall in love, I've tried & I keep holding on hoping it will suddenly click!! I try to force myself to be in love or become physically attracted to him but it’s just not happening!!
(He is older by 7 years, he’s 57, 5ft7 , over weight 15st10lb pregnant stomach look!) white hair, bold in the middle, (father tuck!! Style!) his face shows aging way above his years! (He has had a hard life & was a heavy smoker)!! (Yikes I hate to say it, but when we’re out together, I fear some people could assume he’s my dad!) (maybe I just forget that I too am aging at 50 but still feel 21!!) whereas he does looks way older than his years!)
I feel terrible acknowledging & criticising his looks!! It makes me sound really judgemental!! (I’m only trying to paint the full picture)
as for me…
I am not or ever have been close to being pretty, however, I’m fortunate to not be completely unattractive.
I am fully aware of my flaws & I have never liked myself within my own skin. I hate looking in mirrors & I am so self conscious & unhappy about my looks. (I’ve just learnt to hide it!)
YET...
4 years later we are still living together (we are now in social housing as after 11 months of being together he suffered a stroke & nearly didn't make it! (Obviously I was completely distraught & heartbroken, fearing that I could have potentially lost him without ever knowing if we were meant to be together (fate)!!
We had to move as my private rental wouldn't allow home adaptions & after 2 months in hospital he couldn't walk & I had to set up a mobility bed & commode etc in our front room) until suitable housing became available.
I had to take a year out of work and
I never once resented becoming his full time carer, as we had a good foundation of intimacy to work from & I never felt grossed out by it in the slightest.
Thankfully he pulled through (I have no idea how... the mortality rate for his stroke is 86-94%!!!
Also thankfully he has since recovered well after months of rehabilitation & has regained most of his independence. He still has residual deficits (left body coordination, hearing loss in one ear, facial drooping) he also sounds different due to vocal cord weakness! But overall he's a warrior & I am super proud of him!
He has now trained & works in the Brain rehabilitation unit supporting patients, the very same unit he had been a resident after his stroke 3 years ago!
YET...
I'm still not in love with him & at times it's harder as he's lost some of his personality qualities (he now lacks patience mainly with himself, but he gets frustrated & has aggressive outbursts!!) which I find really unattractive in its own rights (even though I totally understand his struggles)
He has become more insecure and fears I will leave him for someone else (even if I leave I don't want anyone else!! I left my husband to find me! & sadly, I didn't get that chance as I allowed him into my life!!) I do still hold onto some resentment towards him for opening up this can of worms!)
I'm also annoyed with myself for being a people pleaser & putting his emotional needs before my GUT instinct!!
We tend to argue most days!! Usually his insecurities questioning me? Or he finds fault in my youngest daughter (20 & lives with us & her German shepherd) her boyfriend will also stay round & he complains about them most days!! Or we argue as he doesn’t feel loved by me (I kinda understand, I do love him but again I’m not in love! & maybe that’s what triggers him) he is intuitive & sensitive. (I feel I am too!)
I have been honest with him with all of the above (besides the reasons as to not or why I don’t find him physically attractive, that would be really insensitive of me!!)
I really don’t know how/what to do??
So generally I do nothing!
I then think well.. I made my bed... 🤯🥴😔🤦🏽♀️
Just wondering… what would you do?