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Original poster

Help me leave please

15 replies

smalldogdancing · 09/11/2024 15:18

Can you help me work out my first steps to get away from my marriage. He is verbally and financially abusive, controlling, a bully.

Two kid. Eldest in last year of school, probably ok to leave. Youngest 13, don't want to leave behind as struggling with stuff at the moment. I work three days in another part of the country and rent a room while I am there. Possible I could ask to move in full time but don't know what to do about my youngest. Hard to move them. Worried about money. Lots of debt and I don't really know what he's done with money, it's in strange places. He is main earner by a long margin.

I will start a ring round of solicitors next week but I just want away. I don't keep well and I am sure it is in part because of the on going stress of the situation.

OP posts:
Chiconbelge · 09/11/2024 16:00

Hi there sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. I’m sure it’s a good idea for you to talk to solicitors - don’t make any drastic moves without understanding your position. Others who can advise you better will be along soon but I’m sure you will find kindness and wisdom here on MN.

Bittenonce · 09/11/2024 22:24

The ‘lots of debt and I don’t know what he’s done with money’ bits worry me…..
Debts as well as assets are split equally - and it’s not unheard of for assets to be hidden away and undeclared.
It would be good to have an understanding of these first - but if he’s financially controlling then I guess that might not be easy.
But as you know already, money comes and goes, see a solicitor for sure but your biggest issue is working out how to juggle work with looking after #2.

Original poster
smalldogdancing · 10/11/2024 02:26

he has credit card debt in his name. So is it still mine if they are all his cards? If so I can’t go anywhere. I’m just so tired. I feel like I’m not a person anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
smalldogdancing · 10/11/2024 02:36

We do have the house and also a couple of other properties in both names. Maybe if we sell everything it would clear it. His pension he took out and reinvested somewhere else. Not sure what that means.

The main worry is what do I do now. I don’t earn enough to set up on my own with dc2.

OP posts:
IfIHadAHeart · 10/11/2024 02:49

I don’t think the solution is to leave either of your children with someone you describe as abusive, controlling and a bully.

BooneyBeautiful · 10/11/2024 02:55

His credit card debt is his alone, so won't affect you in any way, unless it's a joint credit card.

Bittenonce · 10/11/2024 05:53

BooneyBeautiful · 10/11/2024 02:55

His credit card debt is his alone, so won't affect you in any way, unless it's a joint credit card.

Really don’t think this is correct. Please be careful what you put here

Original poster
smalldogdancing · 10/11/2024 07:33

IfIHadAHeart · 10/11/2024 02:49

I don’t think the solution is to leave either of your children with someone you describe as abusive, controlling and a bully.

Good point. I am not sure the eldest would want to come with me. Gets on well with DH most of the time. Autistic and set in their ways. But I should of course ask. I’m more certain my youngest will want to be with me. But could be wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
smalldogdancing · 10/11/2024 07:34

Credit card is not joint. But the assets are so I suppose it’s all tangled up.

OP posts:
category12 · 10/11/2024 08:06

Sounds like you need a solicitor and forensic accountant.

I think it's unlikely his credit card debt would be taken into account, I think possibly if you can be shown to have benefited from it, like if it's been spent on home improvements vs buying himself stuff. But you need proper advice.

if you have several properties, is there any option to move into one of them?

Anyway, don't do anything hasty and don't tell him what you're planning until you've got things in place. You don't want him trying to hide assets etc.

unsync · 10/11/2024 08:32

Debt in his name is his responsibility. However when you do the forms, you declare it and provision can be made for repayment IIRC. For instance, if the settlement is such that the debt remains and would prevent him from rehousing or would cause bankruptcy, that could be problematic for the Court. It is more a technical thing. Your main issue is how to leave safely.

Have you any support IRL? As there is abuse, are you able to make contact with Women's Aid/Refuge? As you are away for work, you could do it so that he would be unaware if you feel that telling him would be dangerous. They can support you whilst you plan your next steps.

Your first steps would be to gather together your life documentation, birth/marriage certificates, passports, financial papers etc and put them somewhere secure.

Do you have your own funds and bank account? If not, open an account with an online only bank. I would probably also be checking credit agencies to make sure he's not compromising your finances. My now exH tried to use my identity to take out loans and cards after we split, I could see the searches in my credit records.

Original poster
smalldogdancing · 10/11/2024 11:10

So in the mean time do I just pretend it's all ok? What about sex? I feel I have totally checked out and it is kind of obvious.

OP posts:
category12 · 10/11/2024 11:41

Maybe claim you're not feeling up to sex cos you're not feeling 100% or something? It's just until you know what your options are legally.

If he's a threat to you physically or will coerce you, then it's different and you need to get out ASAP.

Suimai · 10/11/2024 11:46

IfIHadAHeart · 10/11/2024 02:49

I don’t think the solution is to leave either of your children with someone you describe as abusive, controlling and a bully.

This. I’d be more concerned about my children than the money?

Original poster
smalldogdancing · 10/11/2024 12:32

I am concerned about them, but I need to find a way to pay for a place to live so it felt like that was key. Mainly I’m just worn out and very sad.

OP posts:
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