Scared of starting over

[BlueRobin48]

Hello, I’m nearly 50 and for the past 4 years my husband has been drinking too much. I don’t like him when he’s been drinking. He isn’t violent but he loses all his manners, talks nonsense, doesn’t remember important things I’ve told him, says inappropriate things in front of the kids. I feel like he is another child that needs looked after. Emotionally i feel alone. If we go out I have to be the sensible one as he needs looked after.

the other major issue is that for the same length of time he has begun shoplifting. He does this daily and is now stealing to demand and sells things to his family and friends. Clothes, alcohol, steaks, make up etc. this is escalating and it’s so wrong. I don’t want my children to think that this is an okay thing to do. His own mother gives him ‘shopping’ lists of things she wants him to get for her

I have told him I’m not happy but he said he wasn’t going to give up drinking as he enjoyed it (he drinks alone), and he wasn’t going to give up stealing as he is so good at it. He makes out like I’m the unreasonable one and has said he has stopped stealing in the past, but won’t let me do the shopping. I know I am being a mug but I’m scared I can’t do life on my own. The only family I have around me are my kids (19 and 14).

I told him that I had lost respect for him with his stealing but he just makes a joke of it. He is a good man deep down but he is not the man I married.

I would see a solicitor re divorce. His primary relationship is with drink, not you and it’s never been with you either. Re the shoplifting he will get caught one day. You have two children, you do not need a man child to look after and a drunkard at that. He may be a good man to you but he is neither a good husband to you nor father to his kids, they likely wonder why you’re still with him.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Do not let him drag you all down with him, staying with him to date has just enabled him to carry on like this. I would also read about codependency in relationships and see how much of that relates to your own behaviour re him.

And of course you can do life on your own with your two kids, they need you to continue to be a responsible parent. They only have one after all because their dad is certainly not a responsible adult.

Do not let your own self imposed barriers to leaving prevent you from doing so. You’re basically on your own within this marriage in any event.

Well, if he ends up getting done for shoplifting or his health deteriorates due to his drinking, how will life look then, for you and your dc?

You've still got plenty of life to live, do you really want to continue like this? What about when you're 60? 70?

Surely now is the best time to make a break.

Thank you. Sometimes you need to hear someone else’s perspective to reaffirm what you already know x

What an awful situation for you OP.
Your DC are going to see their father’s behaviour and resent him for it. They will also be embarrassed. Alcohol comes first therefore there is a good job he is an alcoholic. At his age, that is not going to end well.
The stealing is truly vile. So many people in poverty, in food banks, and then store staff who have to deal with it.
His mother sounds like a piece of work as well.
He is going to get caught.
You are a brilliant mum and I bet your kids adore you. Time to live life for you and them.

He is the kids step dad, but they do still see their birth dad. My youngest doesn’t know about the stealing but they do obviously see him when he’s been drinking. Last weekend I told him that I’d had enough and he just said ‘I’ll try harder’ but he just tries to pacify me for another wee while. I’m scared the kids will see me as the bad one as I ended the relationship with their dad as well. I was with their dad for 11 years and it’s been 11years with their step dad now. . Thanks for listening x

But it's not a great environment for your dc if he's drunk and inappropriate.

They might actually be partly relieved not to have him living with them.

And you're the adult , you have to make the sometimes hard decisions that are in their best interests.