Feel a bit humiliated

[Itsonlybridgetagain]

DH and I have been married for 12 years. Took us a long long time to get a family. After many years of IVF we welcomed twins 6 years ago.

In the early days we had a very good sex life, but ultimately IVF is gruelling. DH effectively lost all interest in having sex when I was pregnant, scared that something would go wrong.

Then twins arrive and you’re literally in survival mode, sex is quite literally the last thing on your mind.

a couple of years ago I started to raise the subject of us being intimate but DH said he wasn’t feeling good about himself and that he wasn’t ready. Of course I respected that and left it, although we did talk about it more every few months nothing changed and I didn’t feel great about myself either but in the last year I’ve really worked on myself, had some therapy about traumatic events with getting pregnant and then my twins having different health issues (all ok now). I’ve recently been to see a personal stylist and she’s helped me feel so much better about myself. I’m now dressing in a way that makes me me feel confident.

with this new found confidence I’ve increasingly felt the desire to be intimate. I haven’t felt like this is years and the feeling is getting stronger.

today I gently raised the subject, and my DH said he was feeling better about himself but not 100%. So I said so where do I go with that? He said maybe ask me again in a week

AIBU to feel just a little bit humiliated? Like I’m a sex pest begging for some loving 😔 I don’t really want to ask him again now

in all other area’s of our relationship we get on well, he’s great with the twins, does his fair share of the household chores, he’s supportive of me in all other area’s.

I just don’t know where to go now, if feels more like a friendship than a marriage at the moment

for reference I’m 45 and DH is 50 - twins are 6

It's difficult to see how waiting a week is going to make him feel differently.

Also surely not feeling 100% great about oneself must be the normal state for a lot of people but they still have sex.

You are not being a pest. Sex is a big part of a couples relationship.
You sound as though you have been really positive in working on yourself. Has he put work in on himself?
It sounds as though your DH is not being really open with you and there is some underlying issue he is not sharing.

I think you need to have a really frank discussion and try and get him to open up to you.

You don't need to feel humiliated but I would want DH to take whatever isn't making him feel good seriously. Change in lifestyle or DRs for ED if relevant, he is probably embarrassed for his own reasons.

Have you thought about couples counselling? It might help to talk things through with someone impartial.

I’m not sure what difference a week will make to a six year drought. I think you need to have a conversation about why his libido is so low.

Could he possibly have some feelings about the difference fertility?

I would make peace with celibacy, as it seems he's no longer interested.

It's not an easy one to have, but you need to have an honest discussion about exactly where his blockers might lie, what an acceptable sex life for both of you looks like, and timings and actions for you to get there. If this gets nowhere, there needs to be couple's counselling where he does not get to opt out of attending. Intimacy is clearly important to you and this will just snowball if it's not addressed.

This is the same advice I'd give for either gender in a similar position

Prepare yourself for this and have a chat on that basis.
Does he want an open marriage?
How does he think it might work if he has zero interest in resuming intimacy?....as is his right.

Is there no intimacy at all- cuddles/kisses? There's a huge leap between those and PIV. Would couples counselling help, if he's open to it? You've been through a lot as a couple and it might help deal with some of the underlying issues.

If he tries to kick the can down the road again tell him no, sorry but you need to have the conversation now (even if he says something you don't want to hear). 6 years is not normal or healthy unless you have both agreed to celibacy. If he isn't interested what will you do? Leave / open up marriage / have affair / be celibate - those are your options.

there are cuddles but not in bed, kisses but just a peck on the lips when we’re doing to work etc.

he once said that he was terrified that I’d get pregnant again - given we had 5 rounds of IVF that seems extremely unlikely. I told him that he needed to go and see the dr then and arrange for a vasectomy. He has gone to the doctor but there is a massive waiting list.

I’m now on the mini pill due to peri menopause and hormone regulation and I believe this is one of the reasons why I feel so much better.

we have been through a lot, a few years ago our DN died of SIDS which was just awful, our twins were in NICU for a number of weeks. One of my twins was very poorly with suspected meningitis, they have both had operations and are still under the care of paediatric consultants for ENT issues and severe croup.

I have no desire to do couples counselling as he’d throw me under the bus, he’s done it before.

I would say that covid had a big effect on him, he works from home now 95% of the time. He doesn’t really have any friends that he sees regularly but he does go to the gym and running where he knows quite a few people. All the socialising (and it’s not much) is done with my friends.

I have no desire at the moment to separate, even if we did I’m convinced I’d stay single forever and I’ve put too much work into this house to just give it up.

im not miserable, far from it but I just feel like the intimacy issue is a rejection. Of course it is his right to decide he’s no longer interested (as it would be my right as well)