Overwhelmed by work colleague

[fairycakes1234]

Started a new job last year, met a really nice woman same age as me, we bonded and had good chats etc, a year later I'm drained by her. She has taken to ringing me at home in the evenings and weekends, I often don't answer and text instead asking is everything okay and she'll respond with a love heart and then ring again later, I know it's my fault as I was too friendly, I've a good group of friends and v happy with that, I'd prefer to just keep her as work friend, I'm becoming overwhelmed at the phone calls, what do I do, my friend saod just to ignore the phone calls but I get anxious doing that, I'm actually starting to turn my phone off but can't always do that with elderly parents, any advice. She's a lovely person and I suspect she doesn't have many friends, she'll say things like, I'm so glad we're friends...how can I go back to just being a work colleague, I know it's my fault because I'm very open and friendly but I'm like that with everyone so I think she thinks I'm a better friend than I am. Thanks

Have you posted about this previously? I recall a really similar post!

Stop answering the calls outside of work hours. You can block her during this time. Stay friendly at work of course, but if it’s still escalating then you will either have to clarify your relationship to her or raise it with a manger/HR that she is crossing professional boundaries.

Thanks, no it wasn't me posting. I will stop taking the calls, but I'd never report her, she'd be horrified, she has just read more into our friendship and as I said, probably my fault,way too open, I had work friends in my old job and got on very well, but I'd leave the office and wouldn't see them again till I was back in on Monday.

I don't usually recommend an excuse, but it is quite tricky because you have to work with her and still see her every day. Could you say something like you're doing something so have got really busy of late (home renovation, spending more time with elderly parents etc). This may get her out the habit if you keep it up for a few months.

I wouldn't reply but would try various versions of "sorry I missed your call - am rushing around doing X/have got family over etc- if it's not urgent can we catch up on Monday?"

That might dial it down and is suitably vague.

Gu24mum's reply sounds good. I dont think there is anything rude in saying you are very busy with life and can't offer friendship outside of work. It's a really good clear and kind boundary. Are you afraid of anything by being direct with her? It sounds like she isn't taking the more subtle hints and may be taking advantage of your nature. If it's too much, say so and respect yourself.

I hate offending people, this is kind of what got me into this mess, I think I'm a bit of a people pleaser, I will take the advice and just text, hopefully she will back away. Thank you

Start by taking longer to respond to texts and phone calls. She will get the hint

I've had this in various forms - a member of a hobby group who thought I could help him with all his problems, a member of a chat group who texted me before every meeting to send her the log-in details.

I tried being gracefully unavailable - these people won't and don't take hints. The only way is to not respond. They then move on to someone else.

Agree with OP here, Just ignore the calls and texts unless they are in work time. You could be kind and offer the occasional reason on the Monday to get it started, but establish a habit that means you don't respond over the weekend, after work etc,. For all people say "you need to set boundaries", actually the person doing the ringing / texting needs to set them, not you. It is difficult for some people to understand this, but non graceful non-comms would be where I was at. If that doesn't work, then yes, you probably do have to set them, but maybe try the kinder route first.