Do I stop dating for selfish reasons?

[Whyyougottobeanonymous]

Hi ladies

I split from DD’s father and had a bit of time on my own. Moved home with my parents, was at a friends party and met this guy and we started talking.

he lives around an hour and a half from me so I didn’t think much of it. Had a few phone calls and texted quite a bit, then decided to meet up and I really liked him. Have seen him a few times now maybe 6 dates or something like that.

i like him and he has the qualities I’d want in someone. He’s a bit shorter than I’d usually go for but I’m not shallow so decided to just forget about my insecurity of being taller lol!

anyway, as time is going on and sometimes we don’t see each other for 3 weeks at a time I just feel that I don’t know if I can see it going anywhere. When I’ve mentioned it to him he’s been really positive about how we can make things work and how things will get easier in time.

personally I don’t think I’d ever move to his way as my family are all my way and he certainly wouldn’t move to my way especially given he’s had his house for quite some time.

im a bit stuck because on one hand I do like him and he does have the qualities I’d look for in a life partner. However, on the flip side I feel like I want to be selfish and be alone and not have to worry about anyone else.

i chop and change how i feel and some weeks i do find it hard being a single mum and I remember that I want a family unit for my DD and then other weeks I feel so exhausted at the thought of dating and im so happy just being me and DD that I think I need to just stop dating altogether.

the problem I have is that I’ve tried a couple of times to voice how I feel but he’s such a lovely and positive person that I always come away thinking I’m being silly. I need to make a decision and stick to it but I guess I’m just stuck - friends and family tell me to follow my heart but I genuinely feel so confused that I don’t even know what my heart is telling me!

I guess I’m just looking for some third party advice and how other single mums have handled situations like this. I’m not looking to hurt someone’s feelings but also conscious to protect myself.

any advice would be helpful x

Would you be happy to continue seeing him even though it's not likely to progress to anything serious such as living together, would you see that as a waste of time?
Some people on mn are happy to have a partner they never live with but not for everyone.
Personally I'm a all or nothing kind of woman, a casual relationship and seeing someone every 3 weeks just doesn't interest me, yet I'm completely single and not looking because I don't feel ready for a relationship and it would take up too much of my time but I know a more casual relationship doesn't satisfy me.

You can break up or keep dating for whatever reason you like. "I don't want to anymore" is all the reason the need (if you decide on a breakup)

It sounds like you're actually not that into him.

When I fall in love with someone I move heaven and earth to make it work, I rearrange my lifestyle, make plans to include them in most of my plans etc etc.

Do you still live with your parents???

Why are you even talking about selfishness? Dating is not a volunteering role. You are absolutely allowed to end a relationship for any reason you want....or even no reason.

I dated a man who lived two and a half hours away (I’m a single mum.) At the beginning we
didn’t talk about the future but it progressed and we got engaged. Didn’t work out eventually and I think the distance had quite a lot to do with it.
Maybe just try and enjoy it for the time being without worrying about where it’s going. But only you can decide and your feelings are absolutely valid. Don’t doubt them.

Absolutely this. Dating is about feeling what’s right for you and you can end it for any reason at all.

You and DD are a "family unit" already! How sad that you don't think so.

A very small percentage of adults who had step-parents imposed on them as children found it a positive experience. It's actually the most dangerous thing you can do, to move an unrelated adult into your child's home; it raises the risks of abuse and emotional trauma and further disruption to their lives by orders of magnitude, so there's absolutely no reason why you'd need to do this for your DD's sake, quite the opposite.

If you want to date or have a relationship then by far the best thing you can do for her is keep it separate to her and let her just grow up with her home and family unit (you and her!) secure and stable.

This makes things very simple because all that matters here is so you want a relationship? If not, then break up with him. You're not obliged to be in a relationship and I detect some people pleasing going on. You don't owe him a relationship.

As PP have said, if you're happy to have a long-distance relationship and see him sporadically then it could work very well, potentially. This isn't necessarily "casual" as a PP implied: you don't have to live with somebody to be in a committed relationship and it might suit you well to have someone who also doesn't make unreasonable demands on your time given you have a DD to prioritise.

But from your posts it sounds like really you do not want this. To be this uncertain at this stage seems to indicate that either you don't want to be in a relationship at the moment, or he's not the right person for you, and either way it means you should end it. The fact he tries to persuade you otherwise rather than listening to what you're saying just reinforces this really.

From your comments (that you feel it is "selfish" to end a relationship you don't want, that you seem to think a relationship is necessary for your family with DD to be complete and therefore trying to look at a potential partner as someone to take on a role as a step father to her) you seem very vulnerable and this is not a good mindset to be in when dating. Personally I would end this, stop dating entirely and work on your own feelings about relationships and this feeling that you "should" be with someone, and involve them with your child which isn't something you should even contemplate until you've built a solid relationship, let alone be thinking about potentially living together which should be years down the line as a minimum or ideally, once DD is an adult.

I don't think selfishness plays any part in this.

I think you've had a few nice dates with a nice man but are weighing up whether to continue as longer term you don't think either will move to each other's area for practical reasons.

If you're set on staying local and don't want to continue with someone not local who you don't see for weeks then end things. To me this sounds a bit unfussed. You don't sound that bothered about him or dating for its own sake so I would let this one go. You could meet someone really suitable by chance instead of keeping this one going. He reassures you when he sees you but is happy to have the big gaps. I think you both know it's a 'could have been' by the sounds so aren't getting too invested. No harm.

I don't live with my partner, yet we've been in an exclusive relationship for years.
Have 3-5 day breaks abroad often, but can often be every other weekend (or longer on occasion) when we see each other.
But we both seem to like it though lol.
Allows us to do other things. We're both financially independent, have busy careers, have friends and hobbies, and neither of us fancies the step-parenting role to the others' kids much...
And both of us actually like (need) 'solo' days without the pressure to fill any white space simply by being together.
Maybe we might live together when both through the children years. But I could also foresee a version of the future where we never actually live together or entangle our lives into one completely. I think fundamentally we're both too independent and both felt smothered when married.

Doesn't sound you like him that much, or not enough IYSWIM, more the idea of what he could represent - a new, settled, happy relationship. But it also sounds like you'd be perfectly happy without, and it sounds like he's a nice man who deserves someone who isn't weighing up whether they're sure or not - that'd be the answer for me!

It's not like he's your only chance of another relationship, but you've got time to enjoy being single and focusing on yourself and being selfish for a while, as is your right. And if/when you meet someone you want to give that up for, you'll probably question it less.