how does marriage counselling work and is it worth it for us

[Cheshireicecreaminacone]

never had it before but it has been suggested by our child's psychiatrist. H and I do not get on. We have 3 DC, two have SN (DC1, teen with a severe learning diffs and another teen (DC2) with severe mental health issues, depression, anxiety, HFA, currently suicidal).

H and I do not talk, we just argue. However things are very challenging for us. plus we both work (he FT, me PT). However, I have to do all the school runs (DC2 started recently at a specialist provision which is quite far and due to suicide risk needs driving there and back, buses are out of question). so I drive there and back 10 times a week. I do weekly appointments with DC (H cannot as his job is 'important') - also in my working hours and work the time back. I bed share with DC as instructed by SS due to suicide riske and the need to watch 24/7 over them in some form). I sort all the personal care like bathing and washing hair etc (DC1 struggles due to severe LD, DC2 isn't looking after themselves due to severe depression). Weekly appointments are attended with me. I am at risk of losing my job now. I do all the cooking cleaning at home. I am with the in the school holidays (H spend most of the summer travelling solo as I couldn't come along - not enough annual leave and cannot afford it anyways due to low part time wage). We do not have joined finances (50/50 on everything). even though my income is far less due to caring for the DC.

He is lying when we see DC's psych etc how hard it is to the point she suggested he needs signing off with stress (if anyone needs that, it's me). He is just using swear words when he talks to me. calling me names, the financial issues, the constant solo holidays, the complete refusal to be involved into the DC's care and then he manages to make himself sound like a victim. I admit I feel resentful and it may be hard for him too even though leaves all the caring etc to me and keeps me financially under control.

Would you give counselling a shot? I just worry he bamboozels the councillor into thinking that I am indeed the crazy, mental monster he calls me all the time... esp after seeing how the psych fell for him. On the other hand, maybe I am really not a nice person and he has a point.

This sounds like it's gone far beyond the point where counselling would help. It's not recommended to have counselling with an abusive partner, because he will just use the sessions to make you miserable - as you instinctively suspect your DH will.

If he already believes he's the victim here, no counsellor will be able to talk him out of that. He needs to be ready & willing to change.

Your situation sounds incredibly tough. No real advice but I'm so sorry you're going through it all. 💐

thank you. it's my gut feeling too... just was not sure if there is an 'official' recommendation. I don't think he will change. he says I am the only issue and I am the one who needs to 'improve'. I am just thinking - what if he is right? maybe counselling would help.

I'm so sorry you really do have it tough. Regarding counselling, little point as your husband sounds like a narcissist so nothing will change until you accept the relationship is over and start planning a life without him.

He will have to step up to 50% care of your children so you can work FT. Personally I'd ask him to move out. Sounds like a disgusting man child. You would do well without him round your neck. Your relationship is obviously impacting on your children.

I do think that counselling can be useful in many cases, but I agree with pp that your marriage is beyond the point where it can be saved.

As a previous counsellor I would also say that we were told not to work with couples where there was known domestic abuse. I’d like to think I wouldn’t have had the wool pulled over my eyes by an abusive twat but I know they can be pretty charming to others. So if you feel he is abusive towards you, then no couple counselling isn’t for you- but then neither is your marriage. So if you do want to stay (unsure so far why you would as he doesn’t seem to add much of value and you sound like everything important is done by you alone!) then you could attempt counselling to address the behaviours in a safer way where you can also be listened to… it also sounds like you could be signed off work as you have so much going on- could you get carers allowance or similar? Would your children perhaps be better off not having a nasty father who swears at their mum? How is he towards them…he sounds like a complete twat and you sound like a lovely mum 🌷

I'm so sorry you really do have it tough. Regarding counselling, little point as your husband sounds like a narcissist so nothing will change until you accept the relationship is over and start planning a life without him

interesting that you say that. he says the same about me and wants me to seek a referral for a psychiatric evaluation. I refuse and I am fine. He says denial is a symptom and he keeps nagging me. I sometimes cannot see the wood for the trees.

As a previous counsellor I would also say that we were told not to work with couples where there was known domestic abuse.

how would you establish what is abuse? this is my truth. his sounds very different and makes me sound like an awful and abusive person.

he is extremely charismatic and charming to the outside world. I doubt any councellor would believe me. that's one of my worries.

As a counsellor I'd like to add a few things

Your marriage doesn't sound like it can be salvaged, nor should you want to salvage it. It sounds like you're married to a narcissist who sees no problem in your suffering as long as he isn't bothered by it. You're not in an equal partnership and you're not being valued for your contribution to your family, whether it's financial or in time/care/domestic labour.
Does that mean that marriage counselling is a bad idea? Not necessarily. I've worked with couples like this and helped them realise that they'd be much better off getting a divorce, and sometimes - although unlikely in your situation due to your husbands lack of respect for you - the divorce can be amicable with professional help.

On the subject of individual counselling, I actually believe this is something you definitely need. Not because I believe that the person who needs counselling is the one who's at fault, on the contrary.
Individual counselling could be very beneficial to you, because it can help you make sense of your situation. It can help you see the dynamics in your marriage. It can help you understand why you've allowed this destructive dynamic to continue for so long. It can help you set firm boundaries with your husband and not let him bully you anymore, not let him financially abuse you by making you carry all of the responsability of childcare and domestic labour while also expecting you to contribute 50-50. It can help you see that every time he calls you names, intimidates you, shouts, ... he is emotionally abusing you, and that you deserve better. It can help you understand that having people treat you with love, respect and decency begins by believing you deserve to be treated that way and not settling for less.

I think it's really off that you're paying 50% of everything when you earn less. It should be proportional to salaries. This is just a symptom though of how he feels about you and your role in his life. I don't feel he is invested in a partnership at all. Do you?

that is really useful. Thank you.

Yes I expect he would say the same...they all do. DARVO and victimhood are often tactics used and being a normal person, you are asking yourself if it is you that is in the wrong.

Think about the financial inequality - you paying 50% yet earn much less, the shouldering of most if not all the childcare and no doubt domestic duties. Possibly the whole life laundry to boot whilst he name calls and swans off for most of the summer leaving you to cope with children that are struggling too ( possibly as a result of the family dynamics)....you know the answer really@Cheshireicecreaminacone and it certainly isn't you that has the issues.

What exactly does this man bring to your relationship? Very little by the sounds of it. As for counselling...you can drag a horse to water as the saying goes but this is a ' him' problem, not you. In a similar situation, I had individual counselling. Several hundred pounds later, I only had reinforced what I already knew. The councillor cannot change him or persuade you to leave to improve your situation. That comes down to you alone.

Save the money on counselling, sit him down, point out the issues. Tell him he has a month to change as you're not happy. Also work out the proportion you should be contributing and tell him that is what you will be contributing in the future. Go from there.