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Original poster

Distraught. Trying to remaining in house after split

40 replies

springtoon · 07/11/2024 21:40

I'm in shock just now. Dh has said he's leaving. It's been difficult for a while, but I never expected this. We have a house near to the children's school, and there is no chance I could get a mortgage on my own in this area. I asked him tonight if I could stay in the house with the kids and he rents a place. He said he'd think about it. Rent is also very expensive, but he could afford it on his salary. I think once I’ve sorting out the practicalities, I will be in a position where I can start to deal with the immense emotional pain (not looking forward to that ride).

Per month...
Mortgage: £1400
Bills: £320
Rent (for similar sized property for dh): £2000
Childcare: £500
My salary: £1600
Dh salary: £3200

Desperately trying to work out a way through this, without massive upheaval for the children. A friend of mine recently went through a breakup, and is now able to claim an element of Universal Credit to help with interest payments on her mortgage. Can anyone advise me on this?
Would I be eligible?
Would I need to switch to an interest only mortgage?
Is there a time limit to this or is it indefinite?

My mum is severly ill and I'm staying at hers once a week (2hrs drive away). I barely have the brain capacity to absorb any of this. Please help me see a way out of this.

OP posts:
dontcryformeargentina · 08/11/2024 01:39

If it's a nice area, you can rent a spare room on Airbnb. It'll cover your mortgage payment easily

category12 · 08/11/2024 06:56

As a lone parent you'd probably get UC top ups on your wage, he'd have to pay child maintenance if not having them 50/50.

I don't think it's realistic to expect he could also have a separate property of the same size. There will need to be compromises somewhere.

You could consider "nesting" where there's a separate much smaller property and parents take it in turns. Although to be fair, that relies on very considerate behaviour & being amicable.

You need proper advice quickly as he may be a few steps ahead of you.

Is someone else involved? In which case he might have somewhere to go.

sometimesmovingforwards · 08/11/2024 07:14

Nextdoor55 · 07/11/2024 22:45

Go onto a site called entitledto & get some figures in there. It should tell you what you're entitled to on your own.
Don't leave because your ex should give you some support for the DC's & legally he can't get you out of the house until they're adults. So see what you can do to stay in the house with the DC's

Terrible advice… 😔

CoastalCalm · 08/11/2024 07:25

I think you need a better understanding of ‘bills’ as that seems extremely low to cover utilities , food , petrol , car expenses , kids activities etc

Jk987 · 08/11/2024 07:34

Are you on the mortgage? Right now you can stay put with the kids. He wants to leave so he should figure out the practicalities. He should start by staying with his parents or friends for a few months.

Don't rush, you've got a lot to deal with. Have you confided in anyone yet?

Jk987 · 08/11/2024 07:37

dontcryformeargentina · 08/11/2024 01:39

If it's a nice area, you can rent a spare room on Airbnb. It'll cover your mortgage payment easily

She's got two young children! Why should she move out and leave them through no fault of her own!!!

Her husband needs to make the first move. He doesn't get to say he's leaving the marriage and then do nothing.

Itgetsharder · 08/11/2024 08:01

Per month...
Mortgage: £1400
Bills: £320
Rent (for similar sized property for dh): £2000
Childcare: £500
My salary: £1600
Dh salary: £3200

I’m sorry @springtoon but this just does not look doable. I’m sure there would be similar bills in the rental too so 4800 take off 4540 is not leaving much for food etc.
I have been through similar in the last couple of years and I was the one that moved out (as I was the one to initiate the split) we live rurally so finding a rental took 9months and even that was good going.

The main reason I could even do this was because we have no mortgage on the family home. My rent is 1400 and my income is 2800 including child benefit and I’m finding it hard.

If you moved out would you get rental assistance? Can you increase your work hours. Make your exdh aware that you will expect him to have the dc more than at just weekends, 50:50 if that’s what you need.so you can work more. And then work on increasing your income.

the dc will be fine, they will have ups and downs but they are resilient enough and you will all find a new normal. As long as they feel loved and safe they will be fine.Hugs.

Livinghappy · 08/11/2024 08:08

So sorry for what you are going through. Separation/divorce is a process and you are at the first stage and likely to be in shock. Please know this..it will change and you can get through this

There will be solutions, it is likely to involve a move BUT that's not immediate and you will have time to process the change.

Your children will be ok because they have you and you will make it ok. How old are they?

You are treading a path many women have gone through so there will be lots of support online.

MerlotMisery · 08/11/2024 08:11

Jk987 · 08/11/2024 07:37

She's got two young children! Why should she move out and leave them through no fault of her own!!!

Her husband needs to make the first move. He doesn't get to say he's leaving the marriage and then do nothing.

Show quote history

Sorry, how do you know it's no fault of her own? You've just made that up.

Husbands don't generally walk out on wife and kids for no reason.

TaylorSwish · 08/11/2024 08:23

MerlotMisery · 08/11/2024 08:11

Sorry, how do you know it's no fault of her own? You've just made that up.

Husbands don't generally walk out on wife and kids for no reason.

Show quote history

Yeah they often do. Usually because of another woman.

Piggled · 08/11/2024 08:30

JawsCushion · 07/11/2024 21:59

Whatever he agrees to now he won't stick to. If it's really over then file for divorce. Discuss finances no more. It's not for him and you to decide beyond proposing something. A judge has to agree and if he or she doesn't, they will tell you both how it will be.

Wrong. You can get a financial order by consent or by issuing proceedings with a view to an eventual final hearing where a judge makes a decision. You will get a steer from a judge at the FDR (penultimate hearing in financial remedy proceedings). You can only do either of these things (submit a consent order or issue proceedings) when the conditional order is granted in the main suit.

even if you get an order by consent it still has to be approved by a judge, so if it’s vastly unfair it won’t be. They can only decline to approve it or ask further question. They cannot change a consent order. So saying a judge has to ‘agree’ and will instead tell you how it will be is incorrect.

ScanaDully · 08/11/2024 08:48

Nextdoor55 · 07/11/2024 22:45

Go onto a site called entitledto & get some figures in there. It should tell you what you're entitled to on your own.
Don't leave because your ex should give you some support for the DC's & legally he can't get you out of the house until they're adults. So see what you can do to stay in the house with the DC's

This is misinformation.

Original poster
springtoon · 08/11/2024 09:18

herbygarden · 08/11/2024 00:53

Sorry OP, what a nightmare! Could you extend the length of the mortgage to bring the payment down and or switch to interest only?

This is a good idea, and I think it is possible! We have quite a lot of equity.

OP posts:
Original poster
springtoon · 08/11/2024 23:42

category12 · 08/11/2024 06:56

As a lone parent you'd probably get UC top ups on your wage, he'd have to pay child maintenance if not having them 50/50.

I don't think it's realistic to expect he could also have a separate property of the same size. There will need to be compromises somewhere.

You could consider "nesting" where there's a separate much smaller property and parents take it in turns. Although to be fair, that relies on very considerate behaviour & being amicable.

You need proper advice quickly as he may be a few steps ahead of you.

Is someone else involved? In which case he might have somewhere to go.

Thank you for all this advice, and others too. I just did the entitledto and it said I would be entitled to around £500/mo. Other suggestions which might allow me to stay:

  1. Rent a room (Airbnb might not be feasible, but a woman lodger - or dashing man 😁- could work) if they are happy with kids, although the rent would be lower because of this
  2. Go to interest-only mortgage, if need be, or extend term
  3. Apparantly I would be eligible for an interest-only loan, as our mortgage is less than £200k, to help with mortgage repayments (although the rates of this on top of the mortgage would be immense)

I feel much more optimistic about this now. Of course all this rests on him agreeing to me staying with the kids. I think the odds of this are higher if he can rent a nice place, and if he remembers how much misery he has brought on us all (which he probably won't within a month or so). But so far it has been amicable.

OP posts:
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