Lazy DP or lazy me?

[user5438]

I’m not sure whether my partner is being a lazy arse or whether I’m expecting too much from him.

We have been together several years and had a baby this year. I am on Mat leave but usually WFH in full time employment, DP is self employed manual labourer. It has got worse since baby was born but DP does absolutely nothing around the house other than cook dinner maybe twice a week. I do the laundry, food shopping, cleaning, other cooking, washing up, change beds, tidying etc. I even make DPs sandwiches for him (started off a cute thing years ago when we got together but now is expected!). I also do everything for the baby - feeding (although EBF so fair enough!), changing, nappies, bathing, playing, comforting.

On an evening, DP will get back from work and go and sit in the conservatory on his own for a bit to decompress and then do a workout. He then showers, cuddles baby for a bit and sits on the sofa on his phone. I usually have to take baby with me whatever I’m doing as he doesn’t really interact with her so she starts fussing. If DP is cooking that’s great but he leaves the kitchen a state which I then have to clear up. If I’m cooking I do all the cleaning up as I go (but ultimately would end up doing it all anyway).

My dilemma is the fact that he is a manual labourer and therefore very tired when he gets back from work. He’s often asleep on the sofa by about 8 then goes straight to bed. If he wasn’t, I’d be a lot harder on him to do more to help me. I also feel a bit guilty because I am on maternity leave so do have a bit more time during the day, albeit not as much as he thinks. Despite all that, I still am resentful of the fact that everything baby/house related falls on me to manage. Evenings can be stressful especially if my LO is fussy and I’m also trying to get dinner sorted. I also am pretty sure it’s not going to change when I go back to work so I will be working full time and doing everything else. His attitude is very much that it’s my job as he’s ‘been at work all day’ and, to be fair, I have probably had a relatively relaxed day and been to baby groups/coffee/see friends etc. Our LO is quite ‘easy’. That said, pre-baby it was a similar attitude as I have a desk job so my life was ‘easier’ in his eyes.

Should I be expecting him to do more or, due to the circumstances of his job and me being on mat leave, do I need to just suck it up and manage it all better?

Eh? What?! Of course he should be doing more! It’s his baby. He has to parent her. And I don’t mean, “watch” her whilst you do something else, I mean he has to be responsible for her. Be an active parent. Also, he lives in the house, right? So he’s 50% responsible for its upkeep, especially when you return to work. You need to nip this now or like you say, you’ll be doing everything while he sits around on his lazy ass and watches you run yourself into the ground. If he lived alone, he’d have to come home and cook every night, do the chores, shopping, and now he’s got a child, he’d have to have her on his days as well. Don’t have any more children with this loser. If he’s capable of manual labour, he’s capable of running a hoover, doing the dishes, picking stuff up and putting it away. I am so sick of hearing about men take the absolute piss out of women, especially new mothers who are at their most vulnerable and in need to partner support. This is the reason why a lot of relationships break down and end within the first 2 years of a child being born into it.

Thank you for your reply.

I feel a bit pathetic for letting myself get into this situation tbh. His friends are active parents and do their fair share even the ones who are also manual labourers so not sure why DP doesn’t think this applies to him. I think he thinks the buck stops at him going to work and bringing money in (even though I do too!). I can’t understand why he doesn’t want to contribute or get involved more - I’d feel so guilty if it was the other way round.

Don’t blame yourself for his shitty behaviour. He’s the problem here not you. If you put your foot down and he refuses to pull his weight, you really need to think about how you move forward because this won’t get better. You will expend so much mental energy fighting him to get things done and do his fair share and physical energy running yourself into the ground picking up the slack. Your child needs a healthy, happy mum. And consider what you’ll be modelling to your child if you stay with a man with such a lazy attitude and low opinion of women.

He's not a partner, he's a parasite and a misogynist. Dumping all the drudgery on to his girlfriend just because he's a man is contemptuous behaviour.
The only reason to have a boyfriend is to massively enhance your life and make it fun. What's the point of this man?

What about the weekends? is he any better then? I can't believe he just leaves the dishes for you to clean up after cooking - that's the bare minimum he should do! I would also stop making his lunch for a start

Don’t do shit for him. No lunches, no dinners, no washing, no putting his clothes away, no doing his shopping, nothing. If he won’t pull his weight, you don’t pick up his slack. And if he won’t work with you, get your ducks in a row and move on. Don’t spend your life with a man who doesn’t respect you. You’re better than that. Don’t listen to the PP who said you can’t leave you just have to put your foot down. They are either a man or completely naive to who men like this actually are and how damaging they are to the women who end up with them. Don’t have any more children.

What did you both agree to when/before you got pregnant? Did you talk any of this through?

Expectations of each other as working parents?

Whilst you are on maternity and not working it seems fair you do what you can in house around baby's needs.

But what about when you return to work?

I would talk it through one weekend. See what he is expecting, what you can and are prepared to do.

Becoming a parent doesn't mean everything the same with just a bit of baby bouncing added in. It means you do everything, work, baby, house first and then if you can fit in a work out or time on phone then great.

But you need to communicate. I would start now before you go back to work. Communicate and listen without blame or resentment. And take it from there.