To tell him to grow up.

[Stopthewhinging]

Hello,

My partner is doing my head in at the moment, I've got endometriosis which had been affecting me badly for the last six months (think not being able to get out of bed in the morning pain) I work part time and have been off work for a few months with the pain,

My partner works full time, working a late shift he is currently doing all the school drop offs, pre making meals for the the evening and majority of the housework. I have to do the school pick up and evening routine, this really tires me out and I just crash on the sofa, he's complained a few times about being tired and wishing is could at least empty the dishwasher and clean the kitchen sides. This really gets to me I'm in so much pain. Why does he have to be so inconsiderate?!

I feel I need to say something and just tell him to suck it up, being tired doesn't trump my pain!!

Any advice?

What medical care are you getting for your condition? It must be absolutely awful for you and your DH, are you receiving any treatment?

Really?

Really?

Being in pain and sick is exhausting. Being a carer who works FT and does most of the housework is exhausting. Model empathy yourself.

Painkillers and awaiting surgery at the moment to potentially have some tissue cut out.

So many posts like this at the moment from OP's.

If this is true then I can see why your DH is tired - sounds like he is very busy.

I suffered / suffer Endometriosis and PCOS.. and PID...abdominal adhesions on my bowels/ bladder/ colon etc.
I was a single parent.
I just used to use plus size huge sanitary wear ... take the medication provided and had to get on with it.
Even after having an hysterectomy it didn't cure it .. because the adhesions got worse with the surgery.
What meds are you on? Do you have a coil.
Get some help and look after your children.
It's not really life threatening.

It is very interesting. Very very interesting. And there have been a lot.

Poor bloke (and poor you) but you sound somewhat ungrateful and unable to acknowledge the impact on him.

You both need to acknowledge what each other are feeling - it’s tough on both of you. I think YABU to tell him to grow up , he is doing a lot as you are unable to and is being largely supportive. You both need to sit and have a hug and remind each other how you great you are, it’s just stress and pressure that is getting to you

Yes of course he needs to grow up. He just needs to get on with it. It's not your fault you're unwell. Being tired is a normal part of being an adult with children. Loads of women work full time and do the majority of the housework. And that's with husbands who are well!

Sounds like he’s doing a fair bit to keep the show on the road and he’s asking for a bit of help.

ok I’m sorry but this man isn’t a carer.
He has taken more/most of the HW and parenting. Which most mothers do wo batting an eye lid.
And the OP was probably doing herself before hand.

Caring would mean taking her to appointments, checking her medications, helping her to get up and get dressed, helping having a shower.
He is not doing any of that.

And do you think the OP can physically do that?
Do you think it’s ok to ‘ask for a bit of help’ from someone who can’t?

@Stopthewhinging i think there are several things you could try. Which one is most appropriate will depend on how dh temperament.
You could

• grey rock him when he brings ‘the tidying up you haven’t done’
• have a conversation with him about how much you REALISTICALLY can do. And how much you can’t. Then decide how to handle it. You could involve the dcs more, have some outside help etc…,
• have a conversation about how his comments make you feel - hurt, disappointed because comments about you not pulling up your weight when you’re ill are hurtful.

I think telling him to pull his socks up is likely to have the opposite effect 😁😁

But it might be worth for both of you to remember things wpuld be much harder if you were on your own.
How would he cope if you really couldn’t get out of bed at all?
(and how could you cope if you were on your own?)

It takes a minute to wipe down the kitchen worktops.

As somebody who has lived with chronic pain for 30 years, yes it is fair to ask somebody in pain to help out.

And The OP does help.
She is picking the children up, looking after them in the evening etc… which is already pushing her own limits.

If you’ve been in pain fur so long, you’ll know that your level of pain won’t be the same as the OP. What you can do or can’t won’t be the same as the OP.

If you can still work but the OP can’t, maybe there is something there too?

Plus, if it only takes seconds, why is her DP so upset about it? Surely, it doesn’t add much to what he is already doing??

Can I work?