Reciprocity and Wanting to Be of reach a certain status

[ByHardyCritic]

I have two questions I would like to ask you ladies:

I have a friend who has been dating her partner for 4 years and the other day we were talking and she stated to me that her money is her money and her spouse's money is their money. I don't know if that was a statement he made at the beginning of the relationship or if that is part of his genuine character. I would like to know your opinions and beliefs regarding this statement and do you feel people take on all this responsibility because they don't want to lose the other person?

Okay, and the second question I have is regarding myself. In that same conversation, I stated that in my next relationship, I wanted to reach a certain status or at least a point in my life where I'm happy with how things are going in my life before I start a relationship with someone. I don't know if she took offense to that statement and thought that I was trying to talk down to her, but that wasn't the case. I even said that her partner's beliefs and how he treats her are sweet.

Then that was when the conversation got honestly weird and I felt like maybe she was projecting some of her views and true feelings onto me. She said " Why do you need to have her life and s**t together for, you have to come to people as you are, whether that is broken or broke. I feel that you pretty much saying or coming off as, oh look I have my life together to flaunt and hide the true person that you are because you don't want someone to see the broken little girl on the inside😳"

I truly was at a loss of words for a second, but I stated then, "I am not afraid to let people see that side of me." I am a highly emotional person, so if I choose to break down cry my eyes out, and say everything I am feeling when in a moment of distress, I don't care.

I think the 'my money is my money, OHs money is joint' is a big social media trend/joke in recent years and is showing off. Like, look how big our joint salary is! It's enough I can spend my whole pay-check on non-essentials whilst OH covers bills, AND his fun money.

I also think it's great if you feel you want to work on yourself prior to the next relationship, but I think it's deffo triggered something in the friend and she feels like she has to justify herself.

I'm not really clear on what you have put. Your communication style is a bit unusual so perhaps some things were getting muddled with your friend?

My thoughts are some.men and women still have very traditional ideas about who should be providing financial input to the relationship. The man's money covering the joint life and the women's money just being for her fits onto that traditional view. I don't agree with it, or think it is healthy but I would never reveal that to a friend if they said that was their set up. Although, it's unlikely that I would be actual friends with someone who had such wildly different views to me on equality that it is unlikely this conversation would happen to me. Perhaps with a colleague or acquaintance

I have a friend who has been dating her partner for 4 years and the other day we were talking and she stated to me that her money is her money and her spouse's money is their money

What you have written is confusing. They have been saying for 4 years, yet they are married?

No, I would never combine money with someone I was dating, no matter how long. Yes, I would and have combined money with someone I am married to, but I have a lot of friends that have not when they married, so no right or wrong. I just can’t be bothered with logistics when you have kids. They all have a joint account where they each shift an amount of money each month to cover mortgage/bills/children’s costs. Seems sensible but I could never be bothered with extra faffle like that.

@HoppingPavlova I apologize I tend to say dating. They have been in a relationship for 4 years.

Married or not? If not then they would be crazy to combine incomes imo. If married, no issue.

Spouse means husband or wife. Are they married?

I’m also not sure what questions you’re asking?

It isn't the kind of conversation I understand very well. For the second bit, I think most people seem very together when you first meet them and you gradually find out all the issues and problems theyre having as time goes on (though i dont believe most adults are 'broken little girls'!). Which is why it's important to spend a lot of time with someone and meet friends/family before committing to them. But yes, in general it's a good idea to be able to organise your own life before having a relationship so I guess I'm with you.

@Lifeglowup Oh I was typing fast, and didn't realize I wrote partner and spouse

Well I mean she does sound a bit of a dick.

I'd love a partner who was a 'provider'. But that's a tough burden for men in this economy. Good for her if it works for them. So long as he's not struggling.

As for the second part...I think most people who are healthy emotionally, want to be in a good place before dating. I would also want my partner to have the best version of me. Atm I've stepped back from dating as feel 'I have some things for myself I really should focus on and achieve'. If I meet someone and we hit it off in the mean time, great, I'm worthy of love either way. But I recognise that I'm really not where I want to be with ye olde life journey atm. So even being healthy, and a pleasant enough sort, I'm feeling like I want to...be more. For me, and for the right person for me.

And 'Broken' people certainly should get themselves fixed (as much as possible) before dating. Because other people can't fix you. At best they are a temporary plaster whilst you heal yourself. But that's a big ask of anyone and bound to take its toll on the relationship.

Imo your friend projects her own issues onto you. She comes accross as rather narcissistic btw. I'd be on my guard around her.

@PermanentTemporary I realize that it might be confusing, I probably should have just broken the question in separate threads.

People no matter how close they are really don't want to hear another's opinions on their life even if in a roundabout way.

Why are you coming on with a question for "ladies"?

Presumably you are one of the raft of current male posters who come on here with made up stories intended to slag off women. In this case the idea that women expect men to provide for them?
Is that what your slightly nonsensical post is alluding to?

God, these kind of posts are just tedious!
And don't refer to women as "ladies", it's so patronising

@Colourfulduvets Ummmm, okay. You didn't have to read or reply to my post if it bothered you so much.

We are all broken little girls on the inside. That’s life.

@Cornishcockleshells Well, I can't speak for everyone. I know I have a wounded inner child, if it comes out, so be it. It's about knowing how to soothe and connect with that inner child.

Yes I did because this kind of rubbish needs calling out

This doesn’t make any sense. Maybe keeping their finances separate was her decision? Maybe it’s her ‘genuine character’?

Please don't feed this nonsense.

Speak for yourself! I’m definitely not, and I wouldn’t want a relationship or even sex with anyone who thought of themselves as a “broken little girl” (or boy).

Is it just me who thinks this post is both fake and misogynist?

To your first question - it's not how I would feel comfortable in a relationship. Or as an individual.

Your second question. Actually, I don't really know what your second question is. Is it that you don't know which of you are correct? Or was she being mean? Or have you offended her? Or are you right to feel offended? My point of view is that neither of you are right or wrong. You do it your way, she'll do it hers. Accept that others have different approaches to life for numerous valid reasons.

@Gazelda For the second part, I am speaking about myself. I feel like I offended her, so I am asking based on what she said does that seem like the case? And is my desire to reach a certain status considered boastful somehow?

Search her previous posts/threads. You will see they appear to be female (and a little lovesick, hence the offence at what her friend has said).

Yup. Its not a new trend either. Pretty much as soon as it became common place for married women to work you'd get men saying this to make sure everyone knew he was still the big provider and her money was her 'pin money'. It's a male flex that women who want to present as 'so much loved by a rich man' collude with.

Not yet read the full thread but yes that was also my first thought.