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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I move on

12 replies

Sadie1993 · 06/11/2024 22:46

I have been in a abusive relationship for the past 2 and a half years I have lost so many friends and my home all for the man I thought loves me. I fully understand this is my fault for being so stupid but I can't stop loving him he made me believe he wants to.marry me and have a baby then he would tell me he can't deal with it and our relationship he would block.my number and then say he loves me again the next day last year he was put onto police bail for domestic abuse against me and I stupidly went back to him after believing he had changed and he made me feel responsible for the abuse I have a daughter and due to this have had social services involved he told them he wanted to work with them for help to better himself and now he has just split up with me.and left me with all this mess I really am struggling mentally on how to move on and detach myself from him and get out of his vicious cycle and mind games I suffer with bpd and feel so alone right now.

OP posts:

Jaehee · 06/11/2024 23:07

really am struggling mentally on how to move on and detach myself from him and get out of his vicious cycle and mind games

You have to detach yourself from this situation, for your daughter’s sake. He will never change. He will only get worse and you will risk having your child taken away. What you’re feeling isn’t love, it’s addiction.

How have you lost your home to this man? Does he live with you?

Original poster

Sadie1993 · 06/11/2024 23:23

I split with my daughters father to be with him moved into a new home with him then had to give it up last year when he got put on police bail as I couldn't afford to stay there without his help so I am now sleeping on my daughters fathers sofa. Social services were happy for us to be together if he worked with them and got the help he wanted and now he has just left and I now have them in my life I know I need to detach myself but my lofe evolved so much around him and what I hoped would be the future that he promised me I just feel so alone right now and feel I have lost everything I don't know how to move on from this as I have such strong feelings for him even though I shouldn't

OP posts:

Jaehee · 07/11/2024 00:26

Sadie1993 · 06/11/2024 23:23

I know I need to detach myself but my lofe evolved so much around him

So you need to stop it revolving around him. He's a headworker at best, a violent thug at worst. As long as your life revolves around something like that there will be pain and misery, for both you and your daughter. The strong feelings are withdrawal. They will feel utterly awful but they will pass if you allow them the time and space to pass.

You haven't lost everything, and anything he promised you was a lie anyway. You have your lovely daughter who needs you, and who needs stability. When you come through the other side of this you could try to reconnect with some of the friends you've lost, if you want to.

Please consider signing up to the freedom programme https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ and buying a copy of Women Who Love Too Much.

Are you in touch with a local DV charity?

TipsyJoker · 07/11/2024 01:04

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/ending-domestic-violence/what-is-trauma-bonding

Contact women’s aid. Speak to social services about getting support for yourself and your daughter. Get in touch with your local council and housing associations and tell them you have been made homeless due to having to flee domestic violence. Read the information in the links I’ve posted. You can do this. You HAVE to do this for yourself but also for your daughter. You’re out. Don’t go back. Go no contact. Delete his number. Block all social media, email, etc. write down all the bad things he’s done to you. When you start to want to go back, read the list to yourself. It will never get better. It will only get worse. These men don’t change. They get too much from being abusive to want to change. When they seem like they’re sorry or trying to change, it’s a lie. It’s called love bombing to suck you back in. This man is a danger to you and your daughter.

why-does-he-do-that.pdf

“This fascinating investigation into what makes abusive men tick is alarming, but its candid handling of a difficult subject makes it a valuable resource for professionals and victims alike…. Jargon-free analysis is frequently broken up by interesting...

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

username7891 · 07/11/2024 01:19

You have to put your daughter first. Living in an abusive relationship is considered child abuse.

Do the Freedom Programme, it's better to do it in person if you can. Contact your local domestic abuse organisation for support and see if they can recommend a counsellor.

As someone pointed out up thread, what you're feeling is trauma bonding. It's a very strong attachment to your abuser and it makes it difficult to end the relationship.

Completely block his social media and phone number and focus on moving on. A domestic abuse organisation can advise on housing but you can also phone Shelter.

Happyinarcon · 07/11/2024 01:31

You have to realize that he gets an emotional power surge everytime he abuses you and then manages to reel you back in. It’s like a dopamine hit, he has no actual feelings for you

AgentJohnson · 07/11/2024 06:05

Do you have support for your bpd? Detaching from this shit show of a man is probably harder because of your bpd. It’s not unusual when someone leaves one relationship for another, they feel the need to ‘make it work’ to justify the hurt caused leaving the first relationship.

Please seek professional support. You are very vulnerable right now and you need to take steps to mitigate your vulnerability.

unsync · 07/11/2024 06:26

Women's Aid. They can really help with the psychological aspects of dealing with abuse. They may be able to help with practical stuff too.

Please don't blame yourself, this is on him. You do need to be proactive. You've taken the first step in coming here to ask for advice. Keep going and get help. You can do this, stay strong.

supercali77 · 07/11/2024 06:27

So you've been staying on your daughters dads sofa for a year? And you've stayed with this man during that time?

it will hurt but you have a child. A child who's lost their home twice now on account of how much you 'love' him.

Original poster

Sadie1993 · 09/11/2024 01:06

No I am not getting help for this as he told me I didn't need I believed him as I've never been this way unless it's when he decided to leave me for a few weeks or more I never get this emotionally unstable yes my daughter needs to and does come first I just love him.so much and I really am struggling without him.i dint think I am ever going to do this I am just a weak nothing of a person

OP posts:

Original poster

Sadie1993 · 09/11/2024 01:14

Sorry ignore last reply didn't realise it was put on your response
Yes I've on on this sofa since June 2023
I have been with him.well i.was not.currently since I stupidly messaged him after the 3 month bail time
Yes I know I have my child but we was all working with that situation with the social worker woth no restrictions on place my child has not lost her home twice due tk me loving him? My landlord was selling up and I could not afford to stay while that happend as he helped towards my rent.

OP posts:

swizzlemix · 09/11/2024 01:16

Put your daughter first. You are making her live in an abusive household!

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