Chat with hubby about whether we should stay together

[jugglingeverything77]

My husband just came out with a question tonight, do you see us together in the future. Do you ever think we should be together forever. I have been thinking a LOT about this over the past year or so, but had no idea he was. He said it's only been recently. I feel like maybe things have fizzled out but we've just been coasting, just going through the motions...We've been married for 16 years and have 3 kids (10, 13 and 15). I feel numb. I don't know what to think. Maybe I'm just having a mid-life crisis, maybe it's perimenopausal hormones??

I do feel (have felt for years) that I wish he was more this, more like that etc (he's very hot headed and I often feel the house is so loud/stressful when he's around) but does that mean we should separate?? I love him but am I in love with him?? Do I feel a warm rush of love when I see him? No, do I love him as a person yes! I'm so confused.

Is it normal to not be madly in love in a marriage?? I assumed everyone goes through that after the initial honeymoon period. But it all feels a bit meh and I don't feel it can be revived. I'm in so much turmoil! Help!

How old are you op? I'm fairly certain I'm peri now, and I certainly have taken a battering emotionally. I swing between feeling very much in love and wanting to be alone. When I want to be alone I can rationalise that hormones are playing a part in my thoughts and feelings but does that make them less real? I don't know.
What did the chat with your dh amount to? How's he feeling?

Nope, absolutely do not do that. Life is far too short for it to be mediocre. You've done your bit with marriage and now the kids are older maybe it's time to figure out who you are and what you want.

I think peri menopause can definitely make you feel like that a bit. But if he is feeling the same there’s probably more to it. But if the relationship was to end, sitting down and talking about it and coming to an amicable conclusion would be so good. And you could perhaps even try counselling first. But I’d have a good, honest conversation. Good luck.

Has his head been turned? Just wondering why now on his part.

Why come out with such a trite phrase? OP has said she has been thinking about this A LOT for the last year. Are you suggesting her head has been turned too?

I think it’s good he raised it actually - unless it’s the start of The Script.

Better than just bowling along in an “ok” marriage until one day he ups and leaves. This gives you an opening to say you agree the relationship is in a rut. Then suggest you have an open conversation about what you could both do to improve things.

His reaction to this suggestion will tell you a lot about where his head is at. In particular, whether he comes up with anything he needs to do differently/better, or whether he puts it all on you or says it’s not salvageable.

Because it's surprised OP that he was thinking the same and because it's quite common for people to keep the status quo until the possibility of something else comes along.

To be honest, your DH sounds like he's trying to do the right thing even if it might be clumsy.

You say you have felt like this for a year and if he's not an idiot, he's noticed. The other thing you need to think about is if you're saying you love him because he's the one that's brought it up. I think there are questions here that you need to figure out between you and things uou need to sort out on your own.

I think it's always worthwhile having a couple of sessions with a counsellor if for no other reason than to agree an amicable way of dealing with things.

I was with my first husband for over 17 years and I very much felt in love with him. I looked forward to him coming home, we had a lot of shared rituals, enjoyed and looked forward to intimacy etc. We were best friends and lovers right to the end. I'm now remarried and it's totally different. So I would say yes it's possible, with the right person and the right life circumstances to hold onto romantic love.

I wouldn't jump to any action OP. Have you had any marriage counselling?