I suspect I will be in trouble now....

[NiftyNanny]

My DP of 2 and a half years has a child by another woman. They were together two months, were very careless and she got pregnant very quickly.

He panicked, told her he didn't want kids, and seized up. Didn't talk to her for ages. She seemed very cool about the whole thing, accepted his lack of interest and took herself off, married an old friend and is now nicely set up with a 2.6 year old son.

DP has always regretted not knowing much about his child, and tells me he does want to be in touch, but doesn't know how or what to do blah blah. He is so scared of doing something wrong, he does nothing.

We ran into her in a pub a couple of months ago, and she came over and said "Nice to see you..." then they had a chat and met up. He said he's keen to meet DS, she said she's fine with that but needs to figure out how and when and what to tell son and hubby.

Now DP has "left it in her hands" for so long and we haven't heard anything. I think he looks uncaring for not getting in touch just to say, hope you're all well and if you'd like to talk, I'm still here. I don't expect her to suddenly turn round and welcome him into her complete family, he's basically forfeited any rights he may have morally or otherwise. I just think he's petrified of doing something wrong, so unless people tell him EXACTLY what to do when, he doesn't do anything.

Anyway, last week his Mum and I were talking about kids, would DP like them eventually, we're thinking about it and it was so so hard telling her "yes I think he'll make a great Dad one day" knowing that when we DO have kids, it won't be their first grandchild. My children will have a half brother. I would like them to know him, or for us to at least keep in touch. If she wants to emigrate to australia and have her hubby adopt the kid then good, but at least let's agree that it's for the best and we'll all have a straight story to tell him when he's grown up and might be interested in meeting his real dad. It's the hanging in the air that drives me nuts.

So, today I sent her an email on Facebook just saying, sorry he hasn't been in touch, it's not that he's not talking about you with me, he's just so scared of doing something wrong he doesn't do anything. this is probably overstepping the line but we've been together a while and are thinking about kids. Blah blah.

I think he'll feel pretty pissed off that I've emailed her, but if he wants to be in control then he should bloody well take responsibility. I haven't suggested anything regarding what anyone should do, just apologised for the radio silence and made a couple of excuses for him.

Was I wrong?? :-[ I'm crapping it. She might not even get it.

The thing is he agreed to email her over a week ago and hasn't. I'm just so sick of it!

Is there a possibility that her son thinks his step-dad is his dad? Perhaps she (the ex) doesn't want to upset the happy family life she now has? I would say that unless your husband is prepared to have a relationship with his son it's probably not worth trying to make him get in contact.

My sister is with a man who had a small baby with his ex when she met him. If it wasn't for my sister he possibly wouldn't have any kind of proper relationship with his daughter (she's now 14!!) because my sister pushed him to continue contact. He also has an 18 year old son who he has never seen (an old girlfriend basically cut him out of her life) but very recently my sister was in their local town and a girl came up to her and said 'excuse me but I think your boyfriend may be my boyfriend's dad'. My sister did know that he had a son and really wanted to try and forge some kind of contact between her boyfriend and his son. As far as I know it's not happened yet but the son seemed very keen.

Anyway - I don't think you are wrong to have contacted her as she sounds like she was pleasant enough and keen for him to get back in touch, but maybe you need to sit down and ask him exactly what it is he expects to get from the contact?

Yes, what Rhubarb said!
was what I was trying to say (rather badly!)

I'm not sure it's not your business. You are acting because he has told you he regrets not having contact and has told you and her he wants contact. So I think it's unfair to say it's not your business, particularly if you are planning a family yourself. Presumably you plan to be in a relationship with him and so trying to help is a natural thing to do, but maybe find out more about how committed he is to getting involved in his son's life.

Don't beat yourself up about the message you sent, it's done now and perhaps some good will come of it. Try explaining to him that you really thought he wanted contact and were only trying to help.

In my sister's situation it was a really good thing that she did and her boyfriend is pleased that he now has a very good relationship with his daughter.

Who knows if it was the right thing to do or not?
But it's clear you emailed her out of concern and wanting to help things along.
They might not get it or appreciate it but I'm sure they will also see there was no malice.
Don't beat yourself up over it, it's just a shame that you are in this situation to start with and overall you seem to be dealing with it well.
Good luck.

Ah but beanie - if he were that regretful do you not think he would be making more of an effort now? Whereas here he is, on the verge of getting married and potentially having children, he doesn't want his wife to think that he's the kind of dad who abandons his children, so he says all of that to reassure her. Actions speak far louder than words, and his actions seem half-hearted to me.

What would happen if the boy's mother agreed for contact, this little boy meets his real dad, and then after a while his real dad decides he can no longer be bothered? This might sound harsh, but as he wasn't there during the pregnancy or the birth or even the early years of this child's life, what's to say he's going to be reliable now? Is he paying any kind of maintenance for the boy? I take it that he isn't and this woman's new husband pays for everything, therefore it's a bit cheeky to say the least to just expect to be able to walk in and claim the boy as his own.

There are many reasons why this woman would not want your partner involved in this little boy's life. But she sounds as though she would probably tell the boy later on about his real dad and I'm afraid you may have to wait until then.

Don't force the issue. There are many complications here that you seem to be unaware of, and the only reasons you've given for your partner to meet this boy seem to be centred around your own feelings.

Everyone seems to think I'm pushing for contact with the son. That wasn't my intention. What I want is for the grown ups to talk to each other. I want HER and HIM to be in contact, not him and the boy.

I totally acknowledge that perhaps more harm may come out of contact with his son than good. Of course I recognise that if he's not 100% reliable, it would be a completely shitty thing to do.

What I think I'm trying to get to, is a point where they've say down, talked it through, made a decision. If they decide not to let him meet the son- fine. if he ever asks, they can all say they tried do the best thing. If he ever asks "how could I contact my real father" she should have his address. If they decide to give DP the chance to prove he's not a 100% feckless loser, then well, that's for her to decide.

Either way. I'm not trying to make my bf barge in and get contact if it's just going to upset the apple cart. I just think there should be some kind of closure, some kind of decision, just so if the boy ever does ask questions the adults can honestly say they discussed it and tried to do the best.

Trying to pretend it isn't happening is just silly.

Actually he is perfectly prepared to pay maintenence and has in the past. She cancelled it.

I can see from the mothers side of things. I have a dd from a previous relationship where her father didn't want anything to do with us. I met dp when she was 2 and she thinks dp is her dad so i wouldn't be pleased if suddenly contacted for civilised contact. I know you are only trying to help but if she has done this well so far on her own it should be left to her to decide.

Message withdrawn

I really dont think that it is fair for you or DP to feel that he can just swan in and turn a happy loving family into chaos. Accidents do happen....it may well have been an accident either way it is not your business. And i totally agree with the fact that if your beloved was really arsed about contact with his son then he would have e mailed her himself.
It cannot be on your or his terms....there is another man to consider in all of this....the man who has stepped up to the plate and is bringing this little boy up on his own. I think you are instigating contact for all the wrong reasons and cannot expect to barge into their lives and have everything go your way.....you need to look at the bigger picture here...what if DP starts contact with the little boy and he suddenly changes his mind and wants nothing to do with him, what if he is doing this to make you feel better of him????? how is that family going to feel then???
think very carefully about your actions before you pursue anything else...the little boy is not an object to own

It soundsd like she is happy and settled with her new husband and doesn't want anything from your partner nor to have him in her or her son's life.

I would stay out of it. I said before this doesn't sit right with me and it still doesn't.

agree with stripeymama, rhubarb, fawkeoff, olivelanasmum

look at the big picture

this lady is settled with a husband, your DP has made half hearted attempts to do something, you are now getting involved, when it is really not your place.

why do you want the grown ups to talk?

why if yuor DPs son has two loving parents, do you need to get in the mix?

i am not sure what your motives are,tbh

Snap

Can only echo what others are saying. No matter what his or your reasons are for wanting contact. There is a man in the boy's life that is holding him dear and provides for him when your dp rode off into the sunset. The boy's Mum seems to have created a family and good life for her ds so it's unfair to rip all that apart and confuse the kid.

Concerning your ex: how can he be afraid of meeting a child or making an effort to better the kid's life? Surely we all are human and make mistakes and I don't think the little one would have been cross with him for feeding him the milk incorrectly or failing to play his favourite game properly. Children are very forgiving IME, having said that: neglect and being let down hurts them badly. Your dp doesn't sound too keen to forge a relationship with the lad so in the kid's interest it may be better to stay away rather then raise and squash hopes.

He can leave his address with the Mum and update her on changes, but TBH, it sounds like she's gone on to have a good life and why would she let past disappointments cloud her and her family's future?

To add to the other sensible ladies advice, one thing that bugs me is that he hasn't told his mum that this child exists .

That is way off.