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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Enough has to be enough with in laws!

17 replies

Keyboardgo · 06/11/2024 18:40

Me & DP have been together 4 years.

All started well with the in laws, I even took MIL and SIL out for lunch a few times. I noticed they were quite strange around DP’s DC, very obsessed, their DGC better than anyone else’s etc but I ignored it. I have my own DD who is older than DC.

There were a lot of underhanded comments about child raising as DP’s ex is on benefits and doesn’t work whereas I have a demanding career, comments that DP is not the same as he used to be with me, them not being able to take no for an answer. I grinned through it all for DP’s sake.

The longer we were together the more I noticed that they were not actually very nice people. Very opinionated, very rude. They are quite horrible to DP, never celebrate his successes, always have a caveat or sarcastic comment if he or we do anything good (home improvements, work promotions etc)

Then suddenly MIL & SIL seemed to turn on my and my DD. They started telling DP things I had not said and were very unkind and rude on several occasions about my daughter. Never to my face but to DP and his ex. No reason for this at all.

So I cut contact. Completely. I didn’t attend any ‘family’ events and I did not communicate with them at all. For a while nor did DP and he supported my view but due to his DC he maintained some contact and now he is back fully in with them.

Now I’m getting pressure to socialise with them again, SIL & FIL have birthdays this side of Xmas and I’m expected to attend meals etc, and then there’s Xmas and I don't want to and I certainly will not be taking my DD after all they have said.

DP thinks we should go to ‘be the bigger people’. That he has to go for his DC. I have told him absolutely fine for him to go. But I don’t want to be the bigger person and actually this has made me doubt the relationship. Why would he not respect me enough to hear me when I say No to this?!

any advice?

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 06/11/2024 19:13

Just stick to your rules.
If it was just you then fine, but it's your daughter, really that's the end of the argument for you.

As you say, he and his child can go, they are blood, you are just fodder. You will bring nothing to the table but to be a scapegoat for them or end up blowing your top.

MidnightBlossom · 06/11/2024 19:16

Too often "be the bigger person" actually translates to "please stop making a fuss as I don't want to confront an uncomfortable truth".

In your shoes, I would tell your DP that you the world is not going to end if you don't see his family, and that whilst he's absolutely free to choose who he spends his time with, you are equally entitled to choose not to spend time with nasty people.

FriendlyFriend · 06/11/2024 23:09

No, theyve had their chance and blew it. People dont like when you set boundaries. They sound toxic and tbh youre better off out of it

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 06/11/2024 23:17

No. Don't give them the opportunity to be unpleasant to your DD and make up lies about you.

HomeTheatreSystem · 07/11/2024 04:06

"I am not going. You might be happy socialising with people who've told nasty lies about your partner behind their back but as the partner in question, I'm not, so that's that."

MumChp · 07/11/2024 04:33

DH can go. You enjoy your day.

Shoppedatwoolworths · 07/11/2024 05:08

Agree with every response. Let him go, but you do not owe it to them to be the “bigger person” and obliterate your boundaries and your daughter’s self esteem just to keep their family happy.

I too don’t blame you for questioning your relationship either. Well done for having boundaries and sticking to them.

AgentJohnson · 07/11/2024 06:45

DP thinks we should go to ‘be the bigger people’.

Er no, your DP wants you to STFU and play your part as whipping boy in his family’s dysfunction so he stops getting heat for it. He clearly doesn’t have a problem with you taking his family’s shit just as long as he doesn’t. Hell no!

Original poster
Keyboardgo · 07/11/2024 07:42

Thanks all. I have told him again that I will not be attending anything including Christmas and he is sulked a bit and then said ‘what shall I tell them, that you are working?’ When I said just tell them I don’t want to attend or I will tell them that, he said ‘no, I’ll think of something’ 🙄🙄

I don’t even understand why the family even want me there, all so ridiculous! I am lucky to have my own large (relatively normal and loving) family to spend this time with

OP posts:
MidnightBlossom · 07/11/2024 08:03

Keyboardgo · 07/11/2024 07:42

Thanks all. I have told him again that I will not be attending anything including Christmas and he is sulked a bit and then said ‘what shall I tell them, that you are working?’ When I said just tell them I don’t want to attend or I will tell them that, he said ‘no, I’ll think of something’ 🙄🙄

I don’t even understand why the family even want me there, all so ridiculous! I am lucky to have my own large (relatively normal and loving) family to spend this time with

Why is he sulking? I'd ask him. Is it because he doesn't want to be honest with them when they ask why you aren't there? Why doesn't he want to be honest with them - is it because he wants to keep the peace because he's scared of standing up to nasty bullies?

I find it weird that he'd rather upset you by asking you to go there, or to lie and say you're busy it not well, rather than being truthful and stand up to them about the way they are treating you.

TheMixedGirl · 07/11/2024 08:18

If my family had treated my partner the way you have been treated I would not be attending anything with them. Ever. I'm surprised he is even going. Vile

Deathraystare · 07/11/2024 08:50

Oh they know why are aren't putting yourself available to be their whipping boy.! No explanation needed!

FloofPaws · 07/11/2024 09:09

My MIL has always been a cow, her kids just say it's just mum but after many many years I've realised she's a narc. She's even been a total cow to our daughter so I've taken massive steps back and have challenged her ... naturally as a narc and her enabler husband it's 'our fault' and can be an absolute arsehole 'you've ruined my life these last few years' ... because we've taken such a huge step back - she's rearing up at us like a snake that's being poked with a stick, except it's all in her head and out of her mouth - in all honesty I don't know what the answer is - but I'm not keen to see her ... makes it more difficult that she's got a Condition that may cause her to drop dead at any moment ... so poor DH is trying to do what's best, it's his mum and I respect that, and he respects we need to keep our sanity and our child away from her awful grandma ... I feel your pain but can't offer much - good luck

Original poster
Keyboardgo · 07/11/2024 15:22

MidnightBlossom · 07/11/2024 08:03

Why is he sulking? I'd ask him. Is it because he doesn't want to be honest with them when they ask why you aren't there? Why doesn't he want to be honest with them - is it because he wants to keep the peace because he's scared of standing up to nasty bullies?

I find it weird that he'd rather upset you by asking you to go there, or to lie and say you're busy it not well, rather than being truthful and stand up to them about the way they are treating you.

Show quote history

I have learned that to them, he will always be the little boy who they can walk all over. They put this massive emphasis on ‘family’ so he feels he is beholden to them. He has been fuming with them about all of this, but they are the types to forget it all ever happened (to the point where if I was to bring up what was said even 3 months ago) they would deny it all and look at each other as I had grown another head. It’s so gaslighting!

I won’t be going, he can sulk, make some story up or whatever. Just wanted to make sure I didn’t need to suck it up, although l didn’t think I did tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
Keyboardgo · 07/11/2024 15:23

FloofPaws · 07/11/2024 09:09

My MIL has always been a cow, her kids just say it's just mum but after many many years I've realised she's a narc. She's even been a total cow to our daughter so I've taken massive steps back and have challenged her ... naturally as a narc and her enabler husband it's 'our fault' and can be an absolute arsehole 'you've ruined my life these last few years' ... because we've taken such a huge step back - she's rearing up at us like a snake that's being poked with a stick, except it's all in her head and out of her mouth - in all honesty I don't know what the answer is - but I'm not keen to see her ... makes it more difficult that she's got a Condition that may cause her to drop dead at any moment ... so poor DH is trying to do what's best, it's his mum and I respect that, and he respects we need to keep our sanity and our child away from her awful grandma ... I feel your pain but can't offer much - good luck

Sorry to hear all of this! You have my solidarity in this, it’s mad to believe that people can be like this!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/11/2024 15:34

He is mired in fear, obligation and guilt re his family of origin and they’ve conditioned him to be a wet lettuce when it comes to them too. His inertia also when it comes to his family hurts him as well as you. He would rather you take the heat from his family than he because he cannot and will not stand up to them. He cannot do conflict and would do anything to avoid it.

Reading Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward could help you

You maintain your boundaries and keep your child well away from them.

Redmushroom · 07/11/2024 16:16

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/11/2024 15:34

He is mired in fear, obligation and guilt re his family of origin and they’ve conditioned him to be a wet lettuce when it comes to them too. His inertia also when it comes to his family hurts him as well as you. He would rather you take the heat from his family than he because he cannot and will not stand up to them. He cannot do conflict and would do anything to avoid it.

Reading Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward could help you

You maintain your boundaries and keep your child well away from them.

Can you explain a little more about how and why they are conditioned to avoid conflict?

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