Husband has addiction problems

[Jasibell]

Hi so my husband has addiction problems without going into any detail I just wanted to know if anyone else has struggled with this and sees a loving kind man turn into a very different person when they use.now he knows he has the problem and does want to get sober but he just can't seem to do it.its a second marriage for both of us he says he's tried therapy etc in past and it doesn't work.i personally think he has adhd and that's why he struggles with addiction but here in the uk as most of you know getting a diagnosis from the NHS could take years.any advice would be great thankyou

Thankyou yes I know he has to do it himself but I just didn't know if anyone knew of any support even online that he could do for free,he's also been signed off with depression and anxiety disorder which makes it worse for him.

Do not assume he has ADHD, you could be wrong entirely. His addiction is his priority and it’s not you. Save your own self.

You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped. It is also not your task to find support for him, he needs to do that himself. All you are doing now is enabling him
and that only gives you a false sense of control.

Alcohol is itself a depressant and many alcoholics self medicate.

I’m a recovering addict and know lots of them. Yes, absolutely people can completely turn their lives around getting sober. I am a completely different version of myself sober than I was using. And truly some of the most together, authentic people I know are recovering addicts (compared to a lot of quite f-ed up people who never had any addiction issues but seem to live life in a cloud of chaos and dysfunction). It’s the commitment and willingness to look at yourself and your behaviour honestly and fix it that makes the difference, not the original addiction.

But he has to be willing to do it. There’s no ‘but this won’t work for me’. Has he tried a 12 step group? Has he gone to rehab or is he willing to? Is he willing to commit to sobriety and find a community of sober people and build his life around that? IME, therapy isn’t going to do it. People don’t get better by talking about being addicted. They get better by stopping and finding a support community of other addicts and starting to speak openly and honestly about being addicted and getting sober. You can’t do it alone and you can’t do it in secret and you can’t do it if you don’t really want to.

I don't have any advice on the addiction issues other than agreeing with PP about tough love and setting boundaries.
With regards to the adhd, try looking up 'right to choose'.
Your partner is lucky to have someone so supportive, but you gotta make yourself a priority too x

Are there DCs involved or planned?

If so make protecting them from the emotional chaos of a childhood blighted by addiction which will leave them with long term emotional/mental health challenges in adulthood your sole priority.

https://adultchildren.org/

If so start at this end of the telescope.

If not focus on what YOU can do - and educate yourself on how your attitudes and actions may be inadvertently enabling and consolidting his addiction.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

Thankyou all for the comments it's much appreciated

Are you in the UK? There are drug and alcohol services he will be able to access if he wants to. Online support isn't likely to be involved enough on it's own (it can work as an addition to real life support, but on its own it's far too easy to hide behind a computer screen)

When he's in an "I want to get sober" phase, suggest that he tries an AA meeting. But he has to do the work of go ogling his local meetings or ringing the helpline. You can't do it for him. He has to be miserable enough to want it, and that won't come if you're helping him escape the consequences

I'm an alcoholic. I haven't had a drink since 1989. I wouldn't have believed it was possible a year before.

I strongly recommend AA. It's free and there are lots of meetings in many places. But he will have to be willing to turn up and listened.

Rehab can be brilliant but it's too expensive for most people. Still lots of people get sober using the Fellowship of AA.

But none of this will work unless he's dead keen to stop his drinking.

Hi, I don’t really have any advice as I’m in the middle of something similar, I’ve just found out my husband of over 20 years has been taking drugs in secret and doesn’t want to stop. As his family we’ve been stepping on egg shells for all these years assuming it was part of his mental health issues. Focus on you and your children, mine are adults now and they’re childhood was harder than it should have been. If I’d have known the truth I’d have left him years ago.

SMART recovery is an alternative to AA, different things work for different people. SMART recovery also have a friends and family programme. There are really good handbooks, which you can buy online.
They have online and in person meetings.

Boundaries are so important, and making sure that you make sure that you are looking after yourself.

If he thinks he has ADHD, he can pay for a private assessment, and then have shared catering when he is stable on medication. But of course, nothing will work if he doesn't want to make the changes.