Hi, I really need some objective advice, support and just somewhere to talk. Please don't come at me, It's a messy situation that I know I could have done better in, but it's not just black and white. There's a lot of grey as well.
Also, sorry that this is so long and rambling.
I'm 35 (F) and my husband is 31(M). We have a 2 year old son.
We met online 10 years ago, and my bf at the time moved in with me within a year. I was a homeowner and higher up in my career (we're both in the same profession, but as I was older I was earning more). Where I owned my home, my bf was renting in the area (his family lived up North 2 hours away, he'd only moved here for work so didn't really know anyone), so it seemed sensible he stopped retning and came to live with me.
I didn't charge rent, because my bf had £30,000 worth of credit card debt (which he hadn't told me initially), so I paid everything and let him pay of his cards while living with me. He did buy food for the house, but rent/mortgage, bills, gym memberships get aways etc i continued to pay. I didnt mind this though as I loved him and saw a future together.
During this time, a few red flags did appear, but I didn't recognise them at the time. My bf didn't do anything about the house. I did all of the cooking, all of the bins, recycling, I did all the admin on bills, i did the shopping, i did the laundry and the drying. My bf would often work later, but as we were both doing the same job, I struggled to understanbd why so much fell on me. I would finish work and rush home to be there, where as he would appear to take his time chatting...and as such it all fell to me. I know it's petty, but doing all of the chores really builds up a sense of resentment - even little things, such as my bf would order lots of things online that came in cardboard boxes, which I would always have to fold and then take out.
This pattern continued throughout our entire relationship. I would do everything. And when I did address the imbalance and how I was doing all of the work, my bf simply hired a cleaner (remember, we didn't have that disposable money) and ordered hellofresh (no effort in thinking about food, it was just convenient). I guess I felt ground down.
At this same time, my bf had a bad habit of always going through my phone. A few months into our relationship, he turned on my tablet and read through my emails (he claimed he heard it beep and went toinvestigate, but he must have logged in to access it). He went through my phone all of the time and got reallty funny when I mentioned other boys had messaged me. Nothing untoward, old school friends, but he would say "can I see?" and get funny if I questioned why. I had nothing to hide, but I felt my privacy was being taken away. Anyway, this behaviour continued throughout our entire marriage. He claimed that it's because he was cheated on in the past, but i hated it.
Overtime, I found my social life and hobbies gradually disppearing. I used to play netball 3 or 4 times a week, but eventually I wasn't playing it at all. I used to see my friends regularly, but I wasn't any more. And when we moved house 30 minutes away from my support network, I felt more isolated.
Fast forward a few years, We were married (We were happy, I really did love him so much, and actually those red flags and cracks, I hadn't spotted them as I would have done anything for him). We were married and in our enw house and I took up a new hobby - dancing. I'd always wanted to do it, but always been nervous due to body shape. Anyway, I started and I loved it. I was actually really good. My bf, whilst claiming to be supportive, was always weird however as I was dancing with other men. There was nothing going on at all, but he got weird about it. The phone checking stepped up, the wanting to go through all of my conversations,messaging friends to check on my where abouts. He also said I wasn't to do any romantic dances with men (even fi it was needed as part fo theshow) as he wouldn't be comfortable. There was no disicussion, I just wasn't allowed to.
He had this way of making it sound like we had agreed on something even when we hadn't. He would say what he wanted, and that was that. He would say that I could always share my oppinion and "discuss" it, but it wasn't a discussion. I would just be told that I was wrong and the emotional card of "this is how I feel" was played. Don't get me wrong, this is a valid response in some situations, but it was weaponised to prevent me doing things I wanted "I don't want you to do that show. It would make me feel uncomfortable dancing like that". Maybe I'm wrong, but it felt controlling and limiting and the resentment grew.
It grew even more when our son was born. My husband said to me that I wasn't allowed to have hobbies for a year after he was born as I needed to be at home with our son. He said this to me weeks before the birth. I hadn't agreed to this, but again, there was no arguing. Also I hate confrontation, so did not want to argue at all. I kind of smiled and said I wouldn't create any extra work or slack for him and we'd see how it went. Also, my family are so supportive, they would have helped me anyway that they could.
Things did take a sad turn however. 6 months after our son was born, my husband lost his Mum. It was horrible. It was a short fight with illness and she passed. I love/loved my Mother and Father in law (the SIL was a bit of a tool, but that's different). During this time I feel as a wife I stepped up. I cooked, cleaned, shopped for the entire family. I was with our son all fo the time to allow my husband to grieve and focus. It tooks its toll on me, i was grieving as well and struggling wtih work and maybe post natal, but I tried and I think I did really well.
Unsurprisingly, my husband struggled for months after, but where his controlkling behaviours had been bad before, they were worse. He wouldn't let me leave the room at home for months, I couldn't just sit in the garden or go for a walk, he wanted me with him. I couldn't see friends or family, he wanted me there. I was very supportive, but it knocked me. I remember saying to him that my mental health was suffering (I've never suffered before) and his response was "yeah, well what about mine?". As such, I delayed seeking support for about 6 months because I effectively wasn't allowed. I put on weight, I was suffering from what was probably PND, I was isolated from my friends, my husband was still being jealous and paranoid and not letting me leave the room...I felt so down, but I couldn't do anything as my heart was breaking for his pain.
Anyway, fast forward a few months. My dance group had a show coming up, a show I had wanted to do so long and there a lead role I wanted. I mentioned it to my bf who did not want me to do it at all. (Remember the not doing anything for a year thing). But i made the decision for me that I wanted to. I auditioned and I got it! I was so happy. my husband hated it. he would actively groan, complain, maliciously be late from work to look after our son to sabotage my rehearsals. When he found out there was a romantic dance with another man, he got so weird about it. Once again, constantly checking my phone, contacting friends about my movements. Come the actual show week, he messaged me the morning of opening night telling me that he felt like I was cheating on him. that he was livid, that I had betrayed him. That I was ignoring him and rejecting how he feels. But I wasn't. I chose to do this for me and I didn't regret it. It was the best thing I've ever done. I loved it. When he came to see it, he was livid with me. He didn't make any effort, he wore joggers and hoody when everyone else had dressed up and at the end when I went to kiss him, he turned his head and walked off.
. Sadly, he was the one thing about it that ruined it. And it was here that all fo those past behaviours and cracks really became mroe and more obvious.
Wwe started arguing so much. He kept demanding my phone. He demanded that I do not speak to the man I danced with. He did not let me do the next show I wanted to (which I sympathised with, the anniversary of his bereavement was coming up, so I understood this). But he became more and more possessive. He controlled the calendar. When I wanted to do something, he said I couldn't as he had already booked something in the calendar. We just argued more and more and more, and I realised....I didn't want to be in the relationship anymore.
Come Christmas, I remember cooking for him and his family (I was happy to, I volunteered to). My gift that year was a chocolate orange. Now I'm not materialistic, but I felt that was a definite slight.
It was over Christmas, that I chose to say that I wanted out and I wanted to divorce. Now these conversations are horrible. For people on these forums, when you tell a partner you're leaving (for all of the reasons above and so much more, it was basically an irretrievable position of the relationship) they are horrible. His behaviour and attitude meant I wasn't attracted to him. He was controlling. He wouldn't listen to me (he claimed to, but never did). He did nothing in the house chorse or job wise. Finanically, I paid £150,000 for our deposit, he brought 30k of credit card debt. And due to his behaviour, he ruined something I was passionate about...i felt I would be happier elsewhere. Anyway, we had many brutal arguements with unpleasant things said they're arguements...of course they're not nice. I know I said hurtful things, true, btu hurtful and yes I know I got wound up, but who wouldn't (He had this habbit of not stopping. In an argument he would just keeping picking and picking and poking and poking and just wouldn't leave it and sometimes it was all too much). but i ended up staying for my son, and for my home. As a result I eventually did go to the doctor and was put on antidepressants (never happened to me before) but the situation had just destroyed me - i wasn't eating, i'd lost 4 stone in the space of 2 months. I was in such a bad place. Mreover, my husband got more and more full on. He started tracking the car, he took my old phone and logged into my google chrome account to monitor my internet history and searches (he claimed he wanted to know what was going on in my head at all times). He contacted friends and family to monitor my movements..
Things did not improve however, and I felt trapped. It's at this point I do feel guilty. Whilst all this was going on, one of my friends from dancing was going through somethign similar. He was breaking up with his longterm gf and quite honestly, we connected. I knew i wanted out from my relationship, i knew i was staying for my son, and this person and I connected. It compromised everything that I had ever felt. I know I had been a good wife and gf, but I had checked out and i emotionally connected with this other person. As thigns continued to deteriorate me and this person really connected and honestly, started seeing each other. I know it's an affair and I hate myself for it. I know I should have properly walked away 2 months earlier from the marriage, but how do you leave your son and home? Also, I still loved my husband. I weirdly still had this hope things might come good....that maybe this affair was what I needed to lift me and help us rebuild. I don't know. All I know is that the marriage was over but I felt like thre was no way out.
Weeks past. We seperated 2 or 3 times over this time but I was always drawn back as I wanted to be with my son full time, i wanted to be in my house, I wanted to be with my dog (I was always told to get out as my family were closest). One one occasions, he packed my bag and dumped it outside the front fo the house for me to find when I came home from work. Again, as my family live locally, I was the one being kicked out (even thought I paid for most of it).
During this time, my friend and I connected mroe and more and really developed feelings for one another. We began spending more and more time together, going away on holidays, living like a happy couple...which of course was tough as all the while I was going through this horrible seperation from my husband. And of course, some fo the time we were kind of still together making it work...other times apart. it was horrible and messy and full of anger.
After a while, me and my husband seperated properly and for good, andfound a way to make thigns work with me staying in the house again. We were totally seperated at this point, but he found my phone and went through it. He saw my messages. I was an idiot for not changing my password, but as we had split for good I guess i was confident he wouldn't. But he saw everything. he locked himself in the garage with my phone and read everything,. saw everything. it was horrible. I had been lying and keeping my friend secret for sometime, but that was whilst the marriage situation calmed down. I was kicked out the hosue for good. Maybe I deserve it? I don't know...but it left me homeless. Away from my son and broken.
What makes the situation worse is that my husband is now playing the system cruelly. We had marriage counselling where his behaviour was discussed in detail and the counsellor identified his behaviour as controlling and abusive, however as soon as he discovered my new partner, he contacted the police claiming that I had been abusive. I received a letter from the police about it...but I hadn't! Every message I now send he claims is threatening, when it isn't...I am neutral and calm in all mesaages. He is barring me from the house, denying me access to our son over half term (he only works part time as I'm more career driven and he doesn't really want to work, and therefore refuses to let me see him over the half term just gone) accuses me of being abusive, has messaged all of my friends and family to say that I am abusive and had an affair for 2 years (I only met the person 6 months before!). The situation is a mess and I don't knwo what to do. I'm using solictors to sort the situation, but I find myself homeless and living at my parents, afraid of going near my home (which I bought and pay the majority fo the mortgage for as I work full time) for another false allegation (and they are false and I all conversations recorded). Not seeing my son because he is being with held from me. Trying to get to mediation but my husband is refusing and playing stubborn.
I guess I just neded to rant. Maybe this is what I deserve, I don't know. But I guess i just needed to get it off my chest. If you made it this far, thank you.
I guess my thoughts are, how did I end up here? How can I get back in my house and not have false allegations made (and they are false! they are such blatent lies it's cruel and he knows it!) and ultimately, am I good person despite what I've done? How can I see my son more without him withheld (as If I just pick him up..I'll be intimidating, I wasnt him at least 50% of the time) Questions that I know can't be answered from reading one version of this story (and despite how long it is....i've left a lot out!)
Anyway. Thank you for reading :)