Intrusive thoughts about cheating - advice?

[ElmoElephant]

DH and I have been together for 8 years, married for 4. We have two small children. He has never cheated on me and has no history of cheating. I have also never been cheated on. So there is no relevant background there which would explain my paranoia.

However, I can’t get it out of my head that he is cheating on me. There is no reason for me to think that as nothing has changed. There is no script, he’s not changed in any way. Our sex life is very limited at the moment but that’s to be expected when we’re in the throes of small children who wake several times a night. But I find myself watching him on his phone thinking who is he texting. Or when he’s smiling to himself, I wonder if it’s someone else. And so on. But my inner voice keeps telling me he’s cheating.

I’ve never had those thoughts before and not sure how to handle them. Do I speak to him and potentially result in him thinking badly of him? Do I need a good wobble that you can give me? I’m just not sure how to handle!

No, definitely no wish to cheat. Still very much in the haven’t even looked at another man state of mind.

I do wonder if it’s my sixth sense, but what throws me off is that there is no indication whatsoever that something isn’t right.

Listen to your gut. It’s your second brain.

Listen very carefully and take notice of his body language.
If he’s cheating he will say or do things, maybe in the bedroom, which are new to you. He may mention things which make you think “how does he know that!” Or “why would he know that?”

If he’s not the defensive sort, just ask to use or see his phone. That will tell you all you need to know.

Take a tolerance break from Mumsnet.

A) something has triggered a 6th sense
B) Mumsnet has got into your head

Could it be the start of anxiety or could it be hormonal or do you think it’s something external to do with his behaviour that’s making you suspicious? I don’t mean to sound patronising at all but I genuinely experience about a few days a month where I don’t trust my brain at all as I convince myself everyone hates me, DH is leaving, I’m in trouble at work etc. I think I’m peri but if you have young dc it could still be pregnancy related hormones / tiredness / stress.

Too much time on MN. Don't let it become a self fulfilling prophecy.

I've seen threads on MN before very similar to yours OP. Where someone has felt very strongly that their DH is cheating but they have nothing other than instinct to base this feeling on.
I certainly wouldn't ignore the instinct.
I think you should be very vigilant and aware and on the look out for anything that doesn't add up.
I agree with pp that you should ask to use his phone on some pretext and see what his reaction is.

I can kind of empathise OP

I was cheated on by my ex fiancé and it initially made my relationship with my now DH really hard! I had some counselling about it which really helped but appreciate this is a slightly different situation with no previous history!

I still occasionally have dreams and thoughts that DH leaves me ... Weirdly especially when I'm pregnant! He's definitely not...but I do wonder whether because it seems so prevalent here on MN that it feeds into my thoughts!

Have you told him about it?

If he doesn't give you his phone, then that doesn't necessarily mean he's cheating though.

DP would have to pry my phone from my cold dead hands in order to use it. Phones are effectively an extension of our brains at this point, I've got nothing to hide but the idea of someone else going through my internet history etc. horrifies me.

He will be smiling at something he's reading from his friends, or maybe something on SM or whatever. The fact that someone's smiling when on their phone wouldnt ever make me think they are cheating. Maybe say something like why are you smiling away to yourself?

I wouldn't tell him you think he's cheating because he's smiling and typing. That seems a bit nuts and yes you need to give your head a wobble.

Suppose only way to really find out is to 1) prepare yourself if it is happening 2) put things in place, ie: money, a safe place for you and the kids, 3) know how your going to react,- are u going to hear him out, explode, or leave!! Best to have this conversation when kids are not there. Hope it goes your way