long post, sorry.
Married for 3 years and no kids. Before marriage, he was fine. He is 41 and I am 31.
It became obvious husband had abusive behaviours after I got married.
Name calling:
Things such as slt, tramp, selfish, liar, btch etc
He even accused me of being bipolar. Didn’t like I wore makeup to work all of a sudden.
Said I was worse than all his ex partners and most toxic person ever.
Stupidly I would forgive or get over things as I wanted my marriage to work.
One time he pushed me. He apologised so much and eventually I forgave. Then later his dad died and he start to binge drink. In this, he’d drag me out of bed, pulled my hair once (after I swore back at him because he was being constantly swearing at me), threw water in my face
I did try to leave back then but he was taking it hard about his dads death and he was losing it. I did go back and forgave everything. For a year or so, things were great. He was apologetic about the past, and he became the husband I always wanted. For a good year or so. We had normal arguments but no boundaries were crossed and respect was maintained.
Things start to go back to old ways when one day he accused me of wearing makeup to work (when I had no makeup on). He couldn’t admit he was wrong even tho I wiped my face to show nothing was on.
Name calling started again.
Then slowly his need to debate me all the time. Shoving his opinions and getting angry if I had a different view.
Makes a lot of things about men vs women and how women think they’re it now because of their independence.
In arguements, he would tell me to get out of HIS house. Couple of times he’d throw my things out if I dared answer back to him or refuse to engage with him shouting at me.
Then mock me by imitating when I’d cry and tell me to cut my self (as after his behaviour to me at the start I did SH as a way to cope but did seek therapy after). He mentioned that my dad didn’t love me hence why he left (my dad left me when I was a kid). He began to swear at me a lot.
I’ll be honest after hearing such mean remarks, I did stoop to his level after a while. Although never physical, I did curse back. I did call him names like pathetic. And did say no one cares about him that’s why no one checks up on him. (His family don’t check up on him even though they stay in touch with me). I’d admit, I was wrong for that. I apologised and took accountability. Thing is my husband stopped taking accountability for a long time now.
He had a go at me for locking the bathroom door saying it’s weird to do that. He took photos of what makeup I had in my bag and accused me of secretly wearing that to work. (It was a different bag and not one I took to work).
I would leave but end up going back because he would start binge drinking or threatening to harm himself. I didn’t want that on my conscience. Plus he ended up really sick for few months so I went back to help him.
Anyways recently he’s alluded that I am a racist because I don’t defend his people (which isn’t true).
He claims I emasculated him because I paid off his credit card loan (£12k). I paid it off after I discovered he lied to me about his finances and I didn’t want him to pay interest. I admit he never asked me for the money but I didn’t want the bank making money of him. (I didn’t give that money for free as I didn’t want to enable that behaviour, so he is paying me back).
He claims I think I’m better than him coz I earn more. I said I’ve never said that. He then changed it too but it’s your actions. I asked for an example so I can stop doing it. He had NONE. He didn’t answer.
He claims I worship money. Thing is I never ask him for money. I have my own and investments which I use to overpay another house’s mortgage to own it outright.
and today took the biscuit:
He said I’m controlling, manipulative, selfish, liar. That one day I’ll grow up and realise my wrongdoings. I can never let him have his views unless they align with mine. Im too rude because I swore at him. The respect isn’t there. And next time he’ll make sure he’ll be with a more mature person. And he wants this marriage to end as he’s tired of the toxicity.
I said no problem about it ending but surely he can see that he was the one who start cursing and arguing first. He said that’s true but I always overstepped the mark and made it bigger. So I replied but when you get physical with me and throw my things, and throw water in my face? I’ve never touched his things or touched him.
Of course he played it down and say so what kids have water fights it’s no big deal? I replied but that’s PLAY fights. And he further added that I’m just desperate to be a DV victim coz he didn’t actually beat me.
I am not sad about the marriage ending. I know deep down for the long term it’s the best thing. What I am baffled and struggling to cope with is how he’s flipped his toxic behaviour onto me, projected on to me and downplayed anything he’s done to me. How do I handle this?