Really struggling

[NCnumber3]

This is probably going to be quite convoluted so apologies in advance.

I got married to H very soon into our relationship (less than a year). Throughout our relationship I have always been the provider, I have paid for everything for him while he works part time on NMW. He says he has mental health issues that mean he can't work full time. I don't dispute that but fucking hell, so have i?!

Over the last year I've had a massive mental health crash, I had to leave my job (I was sectioned several times) and I'm only now in a position where I can apply for jobs.

My H doesn't support me at all. Even now, I'm transferring him money every month (and I have fuck all).

Please tell me to sort myself out. I dragged myself up from a shitty childhood and I hate myself for ending up with someone who treats me like shit.

Do you have children together? If not then making the step sounds like then only logical thing to do. It will never get better than it is now.

No children. I know what I need to do, it's just scary

Walk away. Don’t give him any more money. He’s actually bad for your health as well as your bank balance. It’s ok to say no. No is a complete sentence. Why should you sit with nothing whilst he can’t even be bothered to work full time? No. He’s financially abusing you. He’s not emotionally supportive. He’s not a good man. Lesson learned, don’t rush in to any future relationships. You can come back from this. Everybody makes mistakes. It’s what you take from it that important. It’s good that your finances are separate because it means he can’t take your money from you. So, don’t give him any more. Look into getting your own place. Do you have any supportive friends of family you can talk to? I think you should look in to getting some more mental health support. If you’ve been discharged from the service, go back to your GP and tell them you need referred back. You need a CPN. A CPN can support you to leave this abusive relationship by helping sort out vendors, housing, monitoring how your doing and helping get you some counselling services. They would rather support people in the community than have them need to be sectioned. You need to put yourself first now.

Hello..my recent ex had mental health issues. He stopped working. He constantly borrows my money with no intention to return it.

As you both have mental health issues it's slightly harder. I dont have any but have certainly struggled and been heavily down in the dumps/slightly depressed due to him.

But taking the mental health out. It's never fair if one person is always leaning on the other. It creates a sense of unbalance. You feel resentful. I also feel the attraction can die if a person doesn't give but takes alot. Teamwork keeps you solid and greatful for one another.

I think you need to work out if the hubby has any intentions on changing or working towards improving so things can get more balanced. If he's accepted his "fate" and has given up then nothings going to improve.

Your next question is do I want to be in this position in a years time.... 2 years time etc? The pros and cons should be weighed up too.

If he's not going to change then this is how your relationship will always look. Maybe one day you will choose to separate if your dragging one another down. X

Don’t get pregnant with this man.
Examine your options and be brave.
You have one life. Don’t waste it.

Well that is a blessing for you.
There will be someone out there who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve. Don't waste any more time, you've got nothing to lose and all to gain.

Thank you everyone. I'm really trying to not see myself as the provider... I pay for everything for my family, parents, siblings and my husband even when I'm completely penniless. Paid for my siblings' homes, holidays and weddings. It's just expected. I'm a lot younger but the only one who got a well paid profession.

I'm fucking pathetic. I just want my family and friends to love me for me, not what I can provide.

He's not going to change. When we got together I thought the fact we both had mental health issues might be helpful, as in we might understand each other. It hasn't worked out like that.

Divorce him OP. You made a mistake marrying him. You don’t have to stay married forever though.

Ring a solicitor / lawyer today and get the ball rolling.

He’ll ruin you. Stop sending him money. Tell him you have none as you don’t have a job and he needs to earn his own.

Don’t get pregnant.
💐

It’s not pathetic, it’s been programmed into you and that’s not your fault. You’ve learned to become a people pleaser. That’s ok. You can unlearn it too. You’ll need support to do that from a therapist. Start by saying it’s ok to say no. Even if people don’t like it. That’s ok. They don’t have to like it. Tell yourself that every day. Practice it when alone. Build yourself up. And remember, you don’t have to explain yourself. You’re an adult. All these other people are adults. You’re younger than them. It’s not your problem that they didn’t do as well for themselves. That’s their problem. If they’re unhappy with their lives, it’s up to them to change not for you to provide for them.
Every day is a fresh start. Start every day with the resolve to do something empowering for yourself. Focus on self care. Do things you enjoy. Spend time on your own thinking about your future and what you want to do for you.
As pp said, learn about setting boundaries. You will need to do this with whoever you have in your life, even if you get divorced and distance yourself from family who take advantage, (which I would encourage you to do) this is a skill you need to learn.
read up on it for free online. Also you might want to read this book about self esteem.

https://archive.org/details/TheSixPillarsOfSelfEsteem_201811/page/n312/mode/1up

This is no way to live your life. It's not even anywhere close to being in a 50/50 relationship, where it's not necessarily split equally, but you both have your share of stepping up and supporting the other... It's just someone draining you of all your emotional, financial and physical resources. This guy sounds like a leech!! And he should be absolutely embarrassed of himself for how little he gives to you while he takes takes takes….
You would be far better off alone, just focusing on and looking after yourself without any man-child to care for...
You deserve so much better!!!!!
I'm so sorry for the struggles you've had. sincerely hope things improve for you... First step is to put yourself first. You've got this ♥️

Cut them all off OP. You aren’t currently earning and need to protect your own financial security.

It can take a long time to get back to work after a MH crisis and you may find you need to build up slowly to your full earning potential. Returning PT or with a lower level of responsibility can help ease you back into the swing of things.