This is going to be a long one....
Husband came back from month away with work a totally different person, he was talking about all these topics and having all these realisations about how hard and toxic the world is for young women. He also confessed to some mild MH issues, told me a colleague he met there was an ex mental health nurse and she was helping him out with issues.
Between his changed behaviour, general demeanour and the way he talked about this other woman, rednflags started showing rapidly for me. I expressed my concern to him and was more or less dismissed as being paranoid and insecure because I'm 20 yrs her senior at 46 and perimenopausal.
Flash forward maybe 3 weeks and he come back from another work week away in her area, and I knew. I knew from the tone of his voice and the way he said 'love ya' that he cheated. Eventually I overcame my wanting to avoid finding the evidence I knew would be there and managed to get access to his phone. There it was in all it's glory... 'gosh I miss waking up next to you'
We didn't row nor did I cry at this point, my worst fear was realised.
That happened in mid Aug and we've been co-habiting since. It's been awful, we've a 6 year old. At first it was amicable and we were on the same page - marriage is over and we'll go our separate ways just before Christmas. Daughter and I moving to live with mum and sister until I coukd get us on our feet. But then he apparently changed his mind: he wants to work on the marriage, we can fix this, rebuild trust and he's sorry. No real remorse shown. Since then we've argued, shouted and screamed at each other a few times in front of daughter, I'm ashamed to say. During one of these fights I shouted for him to go away and leave me alone - he refused, said he's not giving up on us.
I took daughter away during the school holiday and I was a different person, reduced anxiety, sleeping better, smiling again, and relaxed. Daughter could be a child too, husband is very strict and quite controlling (military) so it was great to see her in her element.
Since being back my MH has suffered greatly, I'm still sure I want to leave and was aiming for Christmas however husband has started talking to daughter when I'm not there, telling her she won't see him very much when we leave, mummy doesn't love daddy any more and we're not going to be a family. He also tells me things like I won't be able to support her as a single mum, our lives aren't going to be better, I'm going to give our daughter lasting emotional trauma and psychological problems if we leave. He also talks about how all the financial tax increases are going to be detrimental to our lives.
Recently I found out, despite him professing his love for me, he has an online dating profile and it was very much active the week daughter and I were away.
I'm beginning to see how controlling and manipulative he's been for years, and how I've become incredibly isolated from everyone else I love.
I'm broken, utterly done in and on the floor. He's blown up my world and destroyed it, he was the love of my life and chose him over and above everything/one in my life. I'm unable to eat, I don't sleep well, am anxious all the time, and spend hours sobbing/crying when daughter is in bed.
He's gone away again and I've finally had enough, we need to leave before I breakdown completely. Family are 7 hours away but are coming to get us at the weekend.
My question is, how do we pack up the house and move while not making it traumatic for daughter? I know I'm being cowardly leaving this way but I haven't got it left in me to stay until Christmas or do it when he's here. I'm broken, he's broken me. I can't function and have been signed off work under stress but diagnosed with adjustment disorder😞
How do I protect daughter from the trauma of moving the way we are and just do this in general? I'm terrified of leaving despite knowing it's best all round.