My mother

[stuckinthemiddlewithyou1]

I have cross posted but I haven’t had a response.

She was an ok mom, not particularly warm but nothing abusive or harmful. I am pretty much a closed book by nature (or maybe it’s not) and I know that Im not very warm towards her most of the time and Im struggling to figure out if it’s me or her. I see things very black and white. Right and wrong and have little time for people who lie or embellish or are inappropriately silly or obtuse.
My mother will exaggerate stories from our childhood or simply make up scenarios that we simply know did not happen. My father just rolls his eyes as I think he has given up correcting her or setting her straight.
She even insisted that she was x foot tall until my younger DB got out a measuring tape one day and set her straight on her own height.
She will say things like 'She was a fabulous baker when we were youngsters and we always had lovely biscuits to eat' whereas I dont recall my DM ever baking for us.
A few nights ago whilst we were having dinner at my parents she insisted (without being asked or prompted or questioned) that she hadn’t sprinkled sugar on the dessert fruit, but the strawberry I picked up was coated in sugar and it was on my fingers.

But the thing that bothers me the most is that my name has a nickname (not saying it here for fear of outing) but she has in the last ten years or so, changed the spelling of it. She insists that it has always been spelt that way but its my name and a name I have used for myself since I was a little girl so I know how its spelt. Its like it wasnt cool enough for her spelt the conventional way and so somewhere she has changed it and now on all the family groups and when she refers to me, she spells it this new way. I have corrected her but she insists that since I am her child, she gave me the nickname and it’s how it has always been spelt.

Writing this thread has dredged up bad feelings and I have taken a deep dive into my box of crap I’ve kept since I was a little girl. Every birthday card or note I’ve received from her she has written my name the way I remember it and not the way she currently insists that it has always been. Why does this upset me so much?

I just dont understand why she does this.

Not much to say. But I can see why it upsets you.
You don't think your mum has any dementia or anything? Or does she absolutely believe she is right.
I guess you could try telling her how you feel. Good luck!

She doesn’t have dementia.

She just fabricates stuff and gets in a huff when you point it out.
I don’t know why the name thing has upset me so much. I have taken photos of some of the cards in her hand writing so I may show her. It seems so petty but it’s turned into a bit of a big deal for me, probably not so much about her lying but possibly that she thinks she can just change my name.

Suggest she sees a Dr as she is clearly not well. My dd changed my dd's name as apparently she didn't like it. After 10 years of nc she should have been bloody grateful she saw us.

Didn't take long for me to go nc again.. Been 12 years now. Def recommended it for improving your own mh op.

Sounds like gaslighting, doesn't it? Maybe she feels ashamed and guilty for being just an OK mum and is trying to rewrite history

Did she behave this way during your childhood?

What do your siblings think?

My siblings just accept my mum for who she is. They are very aware that she exaggerates and I guess they manage to look past it.

I mean, she hasn’t changed my real name she has just changed the spelling of my nickname to suit herself and insists that’s the way it’s always been. If I raised it with her she would get in a huff and feel like she is the one who has been attacked. I think she thinks the way she now spells it is ‘cooler’ and more relevant. My friends all use my name the way I prefer but I have noticed that some people have started using it her way (not my siblings) and it’s simply because they are copying her as if she is the one who should know what her child’s name is.

Upload the photos with a comment of stop lying it's so tedious.

Sounds like you need to step back massively for your own well-being.

How old is she? Unless she has always had a tendancy to rewrite history or embellish/ fabricate things l'd assume she is either a massive attention seeker or else is in the early stages of dementia. The sugar on desert fruit comment is very odd though, did anyone correct her on it?

She is early 60s so no dementia.
She has always been this way, over exaggerates and embellishes her stories to make them sound worse or better.
I corrected her on the strawberries as I was literally standing there behind her with sugar on my fingers as she was exclaiming that they were the sweetest strawberries she had ever tasted and she hadn’t even put any sugar on them. She then exclaimed ‘oh well, I must have put a teaspoon of sugar on them’
She only said it because she wants us to either think she has bought the best strawberries or because I may not eat them if they have been sweetened (I’ve been following an eating plan). Either way, it was not the truth.

This would drive me crackers @stuckinthemiddlewithyou1 .
Firstly, you have the proof she knew exactly how to spell your name. Send it to her and if she argues send it to family and publicly shame her. Take your power back.
She 100% put sugar on the strawberries to mess up your eating plan, again Its control by stealth, she knew you wouldn't choose to eat them so she lied to you.
It sounds like she has convinced herself she baked for you because that's what a 'good mother' would do, perhaps on some level she is aware she fell short as a parent so she lies to make herself feel/look better, if she mentions it again just say you don't remember and change the conversation. She only gets away with it because people don't pull her up on her lies.

My mum also says she is taller than me. She hasn't been since 1990.

She also says she's 10 stones.

I think this is a form of gaslighting.

It’s hard to always be right when people don’t play by the rules.

This sounds very frustrating OP. Unfortunately she's unlikely to change now but I would still call her on it every time she lies, and l would urge your siblings to do the same.

I have a mum that leaves me scratching my head. Sometimes she almost appears jealous. My sister notices it too. Sometimes we agree she doesn't like us very much. Always negative about anything we do.

Around about 8 or 9 years ago I was stewing on it alot. I was a new mum and it brought out some emotions on me. I had this picture perfect idea of how my mum would be there throughout my pregnancy and birth.. genuinely thought she'd be there for me. But she was more like an obstacle finding fault.

The only thing I've learned is to try be myself. I would be mortified if my parents could see me at work. I am kind, caring and compassionate. I call people sweetheart and I am being my authentic self. I cannot be that woman with them. But it's my life and I am who I am. You are who you are. Your mums made her own choices in life and if she wants to lead a slightly dishonest false existence to make herself feel better than what can you do. It's sad but it's within them and breaking the cycle is all you can try to do.

Get a t shirt printed off with your spelling for when you see dm . And name badges for every single day so nobody is in any doubt..

Greeting cards and strawberries, you are being very very tough on this lady.

You are aware that all human beings have faults, including our parents?

An embellishment now and again, if that’s the extent of it, you have got off very very lightly.

If you would like for others to be soft with you, begin by being soft with them.

Its not greeting cards and strawberries. My name (a nickname which most people have called me my whole life and still do) is not a matter of opinion or even a case of a differing version of events based on perception.
You cannot just decide to change how you spell someones name because YOU feel like it. It is MY name.

Thanks for your message. What you have said is so interesting. I really do find that I am not myself when I am around her. I am reserved and cold. Whereas if I am with my friends and work colleagues I am open and friendly. Strange dynamics. I just dont know what I am so cross with them (my parents) about that I battle to be warm and open in their company.

The name thing just really bugs me, its like she thinks she has a right to just change my name as it suits her to make it cooler or more relevant.