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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sex libido

8 replies

Abcdefghijklmh · 05/11/2024 16:17

Little background. Been with DH coming up 20 years. Married 10. Still find each other attractive , make an effort and go on dates together. Have a very good relationship tbh.

We have an autistic child who always wants us to put them to bed or one of us sleep with them . And a baby. Baby is fine and sleeps through in own room.

I used to say to DH when he’s out the eldest to bed , we’d have time together. I’d even message DH from next room when he was putting eldest child to bed - to come through type thing. We’d also flirt earlier in the day and say when the eldest is asleep we’ll make time. Well more often than not DH would fall asleep whilst putting them to bed. I felt this was the only way we could spend anytime together. I’ve addressed it a few times. I felt I was always the one pushing and making suggestions to carve out time for us. Anyway I’ve just given up. Totally given up. I am fed up of chasing, asking and being rejected. DH has big corporate job and works really long days , I appreciate he is really tired. I felt though that you should still make time , if you can spend half an hour calling someone at work you can spend half an hour with your wife.

He’s still very flirty and stuff but nothing comes of it since I’ve given up asking or carving time. I just don’t know where to go with it. I used to bring it up and chat about it but even that I’ve given up with. Not sure really the point of my post but I find it a little sad. I don’t know if he’s noticed- but it feels sad I’ve given up now even trying. Is this what happens? 😢 also he’s not getting it elsewhere or anything like that, that’s not my concern. He’s just not got a high sex drive but it was always enough . Now I’ve stopped trying it’s just totally stopped - been about 2 months now I think.

OP posts:
Jessie1259 · 05/11/2024 16:29

It sounds like he's just absolutely exhausted from work and then with two kids, one who is still a baby, I'm amazed you've got the energy yourself to be honest!
Could you get up with the kids one day at the weekend while he sleeps in and then have a sexy Saturday night?
I'd give him a bit of slack though between the job and young kids to be honest (just as I'd say if the sexes were reversed!)

username7891 · 05/11/2024 16:41

He doesn't have a high sex drive and is obviously exhausted. Would mornings before work work?

Abcdefghijklmh · 05/11/2024 18:55

Yeah he is absolutely exhausted and our weekends are rammed with social and DIY and we just don’t seem to get a break. So I totally understand. Maybe I need to relax and see it as a phase / where we are with our circumstances.

Pre kids morning sex was our main thing! He leaves for work at 5.30am and I’m flat out asleep then - and he is in a rush . I’ll see if we can get grandparents to babysit for a weekend or something and try that! Just feel abit sad as we have a great marriage and we don’t want to not have sex - just seems to be how it is

OP posts:
Treeinthesky · 05/11/2024 19:01

Morning sex at 430 it is then.

Xiaoxiong · 05/11/2024 19:05

Honestly I think this is just a season of life, when you have a baby and an older DC you are of course going to be exhausted and not very connected. Add in leaving for work at 5.30am and forget it. Tale as old as time.

I think you need to see this as a period of time where sex takes a back seat, just like long lie-ins and city breaks and reading the papers in bed till noon. Don't think this is giving up or being rejected, just do other things to keep the emotional connection so the flirting, casual touching, etc can all remind DH that you fancy him and the connection is still there. It will come back- your kids will start sleeping without you, etc. but don't get discouraged or feel rejected.

Gonegirl7 · 05/11/2024 19:28

A low sex season and look forward to the future when you have more couple time.

get a really good vibrator? cuddles on the sofa.

category12 · 05/11/2024 19:34

he is absolutely exhausted and our weekends are rammed with social and DIY and we just don’t seem to get a break

That's a choice and a daft one. The longer you carry on with lack of sex & intimacy, the harder it'll get to rekindle and you'll lose closeness.

Stop all the bloody DIY and other people for a couple of weekends a month and just be together.

MissConductUS · 05/11/2024 19:45

You don't mention his age, but when men get into their 40s, low testosterone is really common. It happened to my DH at age 45. He was tired all the time and little to no libido. Fortunately, he saw his doctor without complaint and has been on hormone replacement therapy ever since, which certainly fixed the libido problem.

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