those of you out there who got together with a man with children

[CrushWithEyeliner]

Would you do it again? Would you be upset if your DD/DS got together with a man/woman in a similar position? Do you ever feel like you have made life difficult by falling in love with someone with so much "baggage"? (I do not use the term pejoratively with regards to children btw just the whole situation)

DH has 3 children from a previous marriage and one with me and I must say, although now things are settled and we all get along reasonably well. If had my time again I would not get together with a man with children. The difficulty of managing the situation, everyone's emotions, egos, the frustration of it all and those of you who have done this you KNOW what I am talking about here, is just making life 10x harder for yourself.
If DD were to meet a man who had children and got together with him I would be devastated.
Not saying I am right to feel this way, just was curious to know if it is just me.

Hi I am now happily married with 1 dd 14 mnth and one due in August. My dh has been married before very briefly but had no children to her.
However my previous relationship I got together with a guy who had 3 children 2 boys to one women,and a girl to his previous girlfriend.
Very difficult and very frustrating.
Firstly I could never understand how the boys were seperated.ie one lived with the mother and one lived with the father.
There was alot of jealousy and upset as the boys mother was in a new relationship had been for some time. Both very successful and and wealthy. This resulted in the boy living with the father being jealous of his brothers lifestyle. Although he got more love and attention his brother just got material thingd.IYKWIM
I was only 21 at the time and partner was 38. The boys were about 6. As I had a brother of 6 who was always with me. My partner expected me to have his boy constantly.
I love the boys dearly still do as see them regularly due to them still being best friends with my brother (they are now 16/17)
and often tell me they wish me and their dad had married.(we did not split due to children although it was very hard)
I dont have a problem with taking on children but would probably think twice. I think its ubnderstandable you have concerns about your dc experiencing this.
Sorry to go on

I am in the opposite situation of being in a newish (8 months in) relationship with a lovely man, who doen't have children.
I have 2 boys, and worry that the reality of my children will be too big a shock for him. He assures me it isn't an issue for him, but it is a major worry of mine, as of course children can be very stressful.

I think loads of him, so reading this thread has got me thinking.

My DP has 3 daughters from his previous marriage and still cannot find any common ground with his ex leading to heartbreak many times for him and his daughters. I'm due to give birth to my first any time now and have to say although I love dp and 3 dsds, part of me finds the whole situation very stressful. Maybe its hormones, but dp is understandably not as excited as me over new baby, and I think he has an element of guilt - hard to enjoy new baby when access to daughters is so fraught. (Btw she left him, so no guilt over leaving his children).
I think there may be many difficulties ahead, but on balance I don't regret anything. Does make me wonder sometimes tho if i don't just like to make life difficult for myself...

I don't have experience of this and did not have a checklist for prospective partners, but children from a previous relationship would def put me off

'Would i do it again' - yes, absolutely as i have the most fantastic husband and father.

It has been extremely stressful at times, but we have come through the other side and are in the light at the end of the tunnel is a'glowing

Families take a lot of work, whether they come with 'baggage' or not. I would not mind the children marrying someone with kids, as long as they can understand that it is normally a marriage of 3 - and that sometimes it can get a bit crowded

Pinkchampagne Doesnt sound like you have anything to worry about. I understand your concerns, but from my experience no man would enter a relationship with someone who has children, lightly. My Dh said he could never take on some one elses children and I appreciate his honesty.
Good look I hope it all works out for you.

Ayomi how sad for you, it certainly does sound like a stressful situation, however it does seem unfair that you feel he is not as excited as you. This is an extremely special and amazing time for you haveing your first baby. It must be difficult for you.
Congratualtions BTW

Goblinvalley I think you put that into words perfectly.
From the other side, my parents split when I was around 10. My mother left for a man 10yrs younger and left us with our father to start her new life.
But 20 yrs later I absolulety adore my step father and would not have it any other way. I sometimes feel alot of guilt when I talk about him infront of my real dad even though he his happily remarried and everyone talks to each other.

I love and adore my step father, he never tried to be a Dad, more like a teasing older brother who used to make my sandwiches, field my phone calls, provide a shoulder to cry on and deal with legal/awkward stuff for me. I appreciate him so much more now than I did when I was younger, he's the best.

My boyfriend told me very early on that he has a child from a previous relationship. However, they were only together for a very short time - 2 months - and she got pregnant almost immediately, then told him she was fine coping on her own if he didn't want a kid (ahem, the "don't bother using condoms, I'm on the pill" was a bit suspicious as well)

He panicked, didn't know what to do and so they hadn't spoken for 3 years until we ran into her in a pub (where she works... full time....)

He loves kids and I know will be a great father to boys as he dotes on his friends kids. He just didn't want them at that particular time and feels cheated that he never got to cradle his first born, any children from our relationship will have an older brother we don't know much about (I know he could've done, had he stayed in touch with her, but as I said he was stupid and scared and she took herself off, didn't call him when child was born etc)

They had a good long chat a few weeks ago and she said she was fine with him meeting this boy but her new husband wanted to adopt him and move to australia !!! but they'd figure out a way to introduce DP into their life. Haven't heard anything from her since.

I am tearing my hair out as I just want resolution, even if it's "right, seeing as how we're planning on emigrating and he already has a Stepfather, there's no point in getting to know you and confusing matters" so when the lad comes knocking in 16 years time we can tell him all the adults did what we thought was best. Rather than just being too fuckwitted to get our heads together and deal with it. I feel so bad for the boy, angry with DP for being so reticent about dealing with it (really, I feel he and she should just face up to the fact they were silly enough -? or she planned - to have a child at a pretty impractical time, and get on with it, the child should be the focus not their failed relationship) frustrated that I feel I'm keeping a secret from his parents - are we going to have floods of oohs and aahs over the "first grandchild" when I have a baby, knowing full well that it won't be their first?

It's the one issue we will clash on. He doesn't want to discuss it at all, but I can't help feeling that there has been a big case of burying head in the sand on both their parts. COmpletely ridiculous, I tell him it's scary and horrible to deal with a death in the family, but you just have to get on with it and arrange things. In this case someone has been born, and I'm sorry if neither of you planned it, but shit happens, deal with it. Now this child will think his real Dad didn't care, and it does make me wonder if DP is the person I think he is. Everything else he does is quite considerate, moral and honest! But there's this big blind spot in his life where he just seizes up.

By the way, I became a nanny in my late 20s because I love kids and would have no qualms about trying to fit into an existing, albeit extended family situation. I wouldn't mind too much if they lived with us even! Part of me can't wait to meet this kid, he is bound to be cool, sounds like a really bright and wonderful child from what she's told us, I just wish they'd both pull their fingers out and start behaving like parents not bolshy clueless teenagers with chips on their shoulders........

My Mum married my Dad despite him having had a daughter from a previous (short) mariage. It wasn't easy and I never really met my ss (not cognitive IYKWIM). When I started dating my dp both my parents were extremely anxious and unhappy as he's got kids from a previous relationship. The access is fraught with difficulties and just like ayomi now that I'm expecting my first he's over the moon but it's nothing special and I'm being treated like it's all normal and I'm afraid of my child not being precious to him because it's not his first, IYKWIM. First baby is a lot of oohs and aahs, delight and amazing experiences but dp takes it like an old fox (which he is I guess) and it's making me very .

So I can understand my parents experience and I would personally not enter a relationship with someone who's had kids before again and I would be as critical and disappointed as my parents when they found out.

Wanted to end the sentence: I'd be cautious and critical if my children got together with a partner with children.

Sorry - reviving this from yesterday.

It's funny isn't it? When I first met DH I thought "He has kids, great, I can handle this, I am a nice person and I love children it will be fine".

But it was awful. They were rude to me, they would ignore me, tell tales to their Mother, say the most awful things to me. I was like a rabbit in headlights, actually intimidated by a 7 and 10 YO. I wasn't prepared for all the Money issues. I was young though, and we have covered a lot of ground since then. To be totally honest I was so involved and in love with DD by then I had kind of accepted it all but in hindsight I would not do it all over again.

Although I get on well with the children (teenagers) now I will never forget how nasty they were with me (can't help it sorry but I am a fantastic actress and put it all aside. I suppose I am just letting it all out here.

I personally wouldn't do it again - I think I was very naive at the beginning to think it would be ok

My exp had two children from a previous relationship, I loved them, they loved me, they loved the little brothers I we gave them, I looked after and loved those little girls for nearly 10 years, however, when Exp decided to leave me and have an affair I have never seen them since - heart breaking for me tbh, and I feel that even tho my boys see their sisters occasionally through their dad the "family" we had has been destroyed. It was a nightmare 10 years as his ex wife was a bitch to me so no, I can firmly state I would NEVER do it again, and would encourage any friends of mine to tread VERY carefully before doing so.

Saying that, my new boyf has no issue with me having children what so ever - so I guess you cant have if both ways

I must admit to being pleased that my DP doesn't have children, even though I have them myself. I think it would bring added complications, but if he had have had them, it wouldn't have put me off him - it is just a bonus for me that he doesn't.

I got a little woried after reading this thread, and asked him again on Sat, if he really didn't see my children as a problem, and asked if his parents were disappointed.
He told me that my children weren't an issue for him at all, or for his parents.

I am being very careful in introducing the boys very slowly.
Most of the time I see him, it is when the boys are with their dad.
Their dad is pleased I have met someone nice, who he would feel comfortable having around the boys.

I'd never do it again. Far too stressful. I expect though it would depend on the person, as imo DP handled it really badly in the beginning leading to a lot of resentment on everybody's part.

I also identify with the pregnancy not being so special and I found it profoundly irritating to hear anecdotes and comparisons with ex's pregnancy/his ds's early years etc.

It would never put me off tbh, but I have had a very positive experience.
DH has children from his first marriage and whilst it certainly hasn't all been roses in the garden they have added a new dimension to my life.
Having got a very good friend whose relationship ended because she couldn't cope with the children and the extra pressures they brought, I can see the differences.

Access for us has always been very flexible and amicable. They are all the same sex and have adjusted to having little brothers amazingly. DH and his ex wife were also apart for about a year before I met him so no resentment about the split from the children.

To those who are expecting babies to husbands who have children already - it will be just as magical for your DH/DP this time round. My DH still shed a tear when DS was born, and it was special because it was something he never imagined he would be doing again!

I'm not saying it's always perfect because it isn't but DH already having children had contributed to him being the man that he was when I met him.

It would be unrealistic of me not to accept a man who has children. After all I have one and any man would have to accept her. But I do know what you mean. Children can really complicate a relationship. I was with a man who left his wife and daughter when his DD was only little.

He was often moody over the fact that he couldnt be with her as much as he wanted and used to me miserable too.

On the other hand if a man has never had any children he may want them and as there is no way for me that would also complicate things.

That is lovely, cazcaz. It is nice to read a positive story.

My ex H knows I have a new partner, and is pleased it is someone nice, as he says it is a relief. He has them regually, and booked an extra day off work so that I could go to Rome with my new man. Hopefully he won't get difficult, and access will remain flexible & amicable for us too.

I know we have big hurdles in front of us, and I am being careful to introduce the children very slowly & carefully. Both my ex & new partner are aware that the boys will only ever have one dad, and I don't expect DP to be a father figure to them.

I hope things work out, as I love him loads.

I've had a relatively "easy time" compared to some so I would do it again. However, it obviously would depend on the man, children and ex wife involved.

My dsd was very young when her mum and dad split and she doesn't remember a time when I wasn't in her life. DP's ex is great and both we and her try to respect each other's lives and be as amicable and flexible as possible.

I, on the other hand, was 7 when my mum and dad re-married and was a complete nightmare little trying I also think and hope that I have learnt from the mistakes made by my parents and step parents.

As for whether I would be happy if my dd (or even dsd) got together with a man who had children - I think it would depend upon their age. I don;t think I'd be thrilled if they were to get together with someone who had children in their first relationships (in their teens or early twenties) but maybe if they were older and had chance to live their lives a little without the responsibility of having children

In my experience, the worst thing is the money - our finances are a train wreck.

BUT, my son has step brothers he has a blast with, and our baby has big brothers and sisters who are sweet with her.

I never had to wonder if DH would make a good father. And, having had his own kids, he always 'got' how I feel about my Ds.

I wouldn't change it.

I wanted an uncomplicated life, but that's gone out the window. Can't say I'd do it again. From my viewpoint, men seem to be able to deal with partner with previous kids more easily, than a women does, not as much emotion in it (from what I've observed).

I'd hope my DC's don't end up in the same situation. I had a complicated family growing up, have now given my DC's an even more complicated family, so really would wish for something a bit more stable and traditional for them.

Will go back and read the threads but thought I would post my story, without being swayed by what I have read.

I have 3 children with my (ex) husband - although still not divorced. Been with my boyfriend for 5 years. He has 2 children, one from a marriage and one from a long term relationship.

He does not see the eldest child but sees the other child regularly (every other weekend).

From a totally selfish point of view, I am glad that he has children, as do I. We do not want any more (and I would not have one with him while I have 3 with another - but if I had only had 2, that might have been a different story - might have gone on to have another 2) and, because, he has children I do not feel I owe him one, which I might if he did not have any.

He gets on fantastic with my children and I like to think that I get on fantastic with his child.

It can be difficult sometimes with the 'discipline' thing but I think we have got to the best situation.

pinkchampagne I really hope it all works out for you, and that things remain amicable with your ex.

I have a very unique relationship with my step sons, it's different to any I have with any other child. I love them dearly and do feel like I have an important role in their lives, although they can drive me nuts sometimes!

I cannot say enough that I love how important the children are to my DH, and whilst sometimes it is difficult to please everybody it makes me smile when I see them all together. My man and ALL of his boys!

Err... money. Hhmmm. Try not to think about it tbh, it is how it is!

The money aspect was the cause of so much despair for us - you just don't think about this at the beginning...