I physically can't deal with break up and thought of ex with someone else

[zlow]

Hi everyone,

I am desperately looking for advice and support on this topic, it is making me feel physically sick and so unwell.

Me and my now ex boyfriend were engaged and together for 3 years. I'm 28 and he is 26. I have made the decision to end the relationship for multiple reasons - I have stood by him through so much, E.g family bereavement, unemployment, a gambling addiction, drug and alcohol abuse (I know, I am making him sound awful here) but after he became very aggressive over the weekend while under the influence of alcohol I decided that enough is enough and I have no more chances left to give.

He is begging for me to stay and is promising that things will change but I have made my mind up.

The only thing that is making me feel physically ill to the point that it is disrupting my days and keeping me up at night is the thought of him with somebody else.

I can't get the image out of my head, and the thought of him sleeping with someone else is really upsetting me.

I thought that I had a future with this man and that I would never have to even think of him with someone else, but now that has all changed. I know that when the weekends come around I am going to be sick with worry about what he is doing, who he is with etc.

Does anyone have any advice on how to manage this as it is unbearable at the moment

Have a complete social media detox for 30 days and delete his number.

I'd recommend reading up on co dependency and doing the Freedom Programme.

Keep it in mind that he's an abusive addict and his behaviour is just going to get worse.

You shouldn’t feel sick, you should feel glad you’re rid of him and sorry for any other poor woman he comes into contact with. I would take PP advice and block him everywhere. Delete his number. No social media. Make a clean break. If he comes to your house don’t answer the door. If he won’t leave call the police. You need to understand that there is no future with this man. He’s an abusive addict. You can do much better. Please tell me there’s no children involved?

unemployment, a gambling addiction, drug and alcohol abuse… very aggressive over the weekend while under the influence of alcohol

All this in just 3 years?!! I’d be more sick at the thoughts of anyone knowing I was associated with him, let alone engaged to him!!

I doubt anyone you’d care about the opinion of would ever want to sleep with him.

No one has ever died from the thoughts or emotions that arise thinking of unpleasant things, even the most upsetting ones.
Keep that in mind. They are just feelings and sensations. They can't hurt you.

Difficult emotions are part of life. They shouldn't be exaggerated or dramatised. Yes, you may feel sick from them or have other physical sensations. Those too are harmless.
The impact of those thoughts and emotions will lessen over time. Try to zoom out and look at the bigger picture. You are having these emotions because you're actively working on letting him and the relationship go. Keep doing that work. These difficult emotions are a consequence of the good work you're doing. You know why you're letting him go, and you also know why you have to.
So deal with the side-effects. Breathe through them and be aware enough to know that they will pass, and they can't really hurt you.

How to manage this grief?

Keep crying, go for long walks to tire yourself, eat what you can, DONT DRINK ALCOHOL.

I promise you 100% guaranteed that in 1 year or less you won't give a damn what he's doing or who he's with.

It hurts like fuck, I know. But this pain is unsustainable and will pass.

Don't have any contact with him, that just kicks the can down the road.

You can do this. Untold millions have been through this hell and come out stronger and well.

Thank you so much everyone, I really do appreciate the responses. I hope this gets better because right now I have never felt so low.

Just to clarify - no children involved thankfully! He's a lovely person when sober but there are to many issues and I don't want to settle for this.

I think this is completely normal you love him but you love yourself more which is absolutely the way it should be !!! You've decided this is unacceptable behaviour but the feelings won't go away over night do all the cliche stuff distract yourself, pamper yourself ! As pp say don't drink as it will amplify the bad emotions try find a specific project and go nc with him.

Look up trauma bonding. These feelings you have aren’t real, it’s all part of his control over you.

Youve had a lucky eacape. Run and dont look back!!!

I agree, I have no intention in drinking alcohol until I'm feeling a bit better. I'm proud of myself on this as in my last break up I would go out with my friends every weekend to take my mind off it, now I've realised that I will heal better if I avoid doing that and focus on myself. I'm very lucky that I have lovely family and friends to support me

Well done for making the break. Lots of us have had to deal with the trauma of a break up but we've come out the other side stronger and more resilient. Sending strength and an un Mumsnety hug

It is through understanding and knowing that we can sometimes overcome such strong emotions. Have you interrogated these feelings as deeply as you can?

I notice you do not mention the main upset being about missing him, but rather, the thought of him being with someone else.
Which related thoughts has this brought to the surface for you? What are the most upsetting things about him being with someone else?

I think you have an idea while you are suffering he is going to be out there meeting women, having romantic experiences and amazing sex.
This is the reality.
He is going to drag all of his baggage around, drunk, and will look for resources/validation/support from anyone who is prepared to put up with him. Odds on it will be somebody vulnerable and in a bad space themselves. And that’s his life now.
Yes, it’s hard, but the less you see of him in every sense the better. Block him everywhere and get some counselling.
He is only 26, he has been this way with you since he was just 23. Without significant help, and I mean professional help, his life is going to deteriorate and he will drag you down and down.
You are only 26. You have a whole life to lead and you deserve when you are able to share it with someone stable.
I know this young man has been through a lot but you can’t save him. He’s on his own path.
Please look after yourself and your future.

@A1m52 could you offer some advice to this young woman I feel you would be really able to help her?