Disappointed with my partner. Advice needed!

[Ballinaire]

I have been with my partner for 8 years, and we have a house and two children together. I love him so incredibly much, and we have had so much fun together during our 8 years. I have felt loved by him, but despite this, there are some things that have caused friction that I have suppressed. Now I have found myself in a situation where I can't shake the thought that he may have taken me for granted for a long time.

To summarize, I was born and raised in Scandinavia and am not religious, while he has a Catholic mother who has tried to get rid of me since day one. She has made nasty comments about our relationship, saying that we won't last and that my partner has no plans to marry me, etc. A recurring nasty "joke" I've heard is that his younger sister will get to the altar before us and actually even his brother has said this out loud too which makes me wonder how we come across as a couple to his family. However, since we had our son about 3 years ago, his mother has improved because she wants to spend time with her grandchild, but she still says things that imply she sees me as a temporary person in his life or at least a temporary partner. What makes me so sad about all this is that I can't remember a single time when he has actually stood up for me/us and said something to his mother. Fortunately, I don't have to see her that often anymore since we moved to my home country, but we visit his family about twice a year and stay in her house.

Recently, the topic of marriage has come up a couple of times, or at least I've tried to bring it up with my partner, but it's a subject he prefers not to talk about. He seems to find it uncomfortable and has expressed that he'd rather just "sign the papers" and get it over with. This makes me sad because I wasn't under the impression that he has no interest in having a wedding. He knows that I'm not interested in having a big fancy wedding, but I've always been clear that I want some form of celebration when it happens, if it happens. I'm not a hopeless romantic, but the thought that the person I've spent 8 years with and who I have children with doesn't seem to want to celebrate our marriage in any way other than signing documents and possibly eating out at a restaurant somewhere – it hurts.

A more specific event that I am also disappointed about is that when I turned 30 almost two years ago now, I organized a birthday party and invited friends/family for dinner. My partner didn't give me a present then but said he would treat me to a weekend somewhere at a later time, but that obviously never happened. However, his sister, who had an insignificant birthday that same year, received a gift card to go to a spa. His other sister also got a contribution for a trip abroad when she turned 40. My 30th birthday present was forgotten about and was never mentioned again.

Recently, I reached a breaking point when his younger sister turned 30 and was majorly celebrated and even getting proposed to by her boyfriend whom she has been dating for barely two years. Of course, it's great for them, but I was overwhelmed by a bitterness I hadn't felt before. Probably because my partner's mother and brother's mocking jokes have now come true. The bitterness didn't improve when I found out that he wanted to treat his sister to yet another spa day since she turned 30, wanting to give her something nice that she would appreciate. To add, my partner often complains about how little money he has, and the focus is often on cost the few times we actually do something. Both of his sisters are said to be doing very well financially and have partners who spoil them, and going to a spa wouldn't be a particularly unusual activity for them. Meanwhile I'm the one who's stood by him through some pretty rough times as he's had some health scares and surgeries in the past few years, I'm the mother of his kids and I didn't even get as much as a flower or card on the most significant birthday I've had so far whilst being together with him. I need a god damn day at the spa. I'm wrecked!! How on earth do I get over this bitterness I'm feeling?? He has said he's very sorry and didn't realise I felt this way but I'm just having a real hard time getting over things that I've been reflecting over lately.

Any advice on this is very appreciated. Thank you!!

Do you actually want to marry him or do you want a big fancy party?

If what you're actually bothered about is being legally married to him (which is sensible if you have children) then maybe take him up on the suggestion of just doing it quietly. Maybe the reason why he doesn't want to have a big celebration is because he knows his family is difficult and he thinks it would be spending a load of money you can't really afford on a party he wouldn't really enjoy because of all the underlying tension. You could elope, and if you do elope there's no reason why you couldn't buy yourself a fabulous dress to elope in. Talk to him about whether he actually wants to be married to you, and if he does, move the discussion on to when/where/how you're going to do it.

Don't give his mother any headspace. She'll either come round or she won't.

His mother is right. He doesn't see you as his life partner.

He isn't in to you as much as you are into him.

He's settled for the time being.

That hurts I'm sure but he doesn't want to marry you and doesn't want to invest any money or effort on your birthdays.

If you have agreed to get married, but he just wants to 'sign the papers', then just go and sign the papers. It doesn't have to be a big deal. When we got married there had been a generalised agreement in principal, but no action. So I went to registry office, talked it through with registrar, set a provisional date, phoned him up (at work) and said 'are you busy/meetings at lunchtime on 5th September?'. He said 'no', so I said 'can you put in your diary.....you are getting married'. We had 2 witnesses from off the street. If you want a party you can arrange at a later date.
Been married 33 years now. He would never have 'got around to it'.

Yes you're partially right. He makes me happy in other ways but he has really failed here.

But him not bothering getting me a present while making and effort with his siblings, on even lesser important ones just shows that he takes me for granted. Or that he never sticks up for us as a couple to his mother, like what kind of signals do that send about us?? No wonder she doesn't think he's just with me for the time being. And the fact that he gets very excited and happy when other couples pull the trigger and get married but he can barely stand thinking about us ever doing it. Just sucks.

I think it’s really poor he didn’t organise a nice gift for your big birthday. He clearly did something for his sisters because the gifts got seen and noticed. It’s not about who you owe. It’s showing you care.
You have two children and you want to be married. If he wanted to provide you with some security in that he could tell you to buy a nice dress, organise a meal with a few friends and… get married.
Through rough times you have looked after him - why can’t he do the same?
Because he doesn’t see why he should. He’s got a partner and two children and he can get by being thoughtless because there are no comebacks on him.
You are only young do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who treats you like this?

He's moved to your home country with you away from the rest of his family. Does that mean nothing to you?

He's said he will do better, give him a chance to show improvement.

I'm sorry OP but based on your posts it sounds like you are not Mrs Right but Mrs Right Now.

I agree with pp. He knows you are hurt and upset about your birthday but instead of doing something, anything, to show you he cares he just says next year he will do better. Words versus actions again.

We have kids and a house together and also he's moved abroad with me
Out of interest did he decide or get actively involved in having children, or getting a house, or moving country? Or was it just words versus you doing the actions? I mean "let's ttc in March 2010" or looking into schools, GP, researching cots etc. Going to estate agents or showing you houses he likes and setting up viewings? How much is HE investing in your joint journey through life?

OP, he sounds like a very selfish, weak man whom has massively taken you for granted.
Unbelievable that he gifts his sister repeatedly and not you.
Of course you feel bitter with good reason.
He whines and complains, doesn't stand up to you with his mother and allows your relationship to be mocked.
Your gut is screaming at you that you deserve better.

You do deserve much better than him.
But YOU have tolerated this and that is YOUR fault.
Action not words are what count.
He thought enough of his sisters to buy a spa day, but not the mother of his children.
If I were you, I would be glad you haven't married him and I would be re thinking this relationship.
Send him back to his mother for a bit.
Let her have him.
You deserve much much better than this selfish twat who doesn't appreciate you.

But what signals are you sending by putting up with this?
In a lot of cases people treat us how we allow.
There's a middle ground between just signing papers and having a full bells and whistles wedding so something is really off if you can't agree something that you're both happy with together. Does he want to get married yes or no? Do you? Then sit down and agree what is could look like and when you could do it.
Re the presents, I'm at a bit of a loss.

Also tell him he can still actually BUY you a 30th weekend away

Just cos you're 32, gifts don't expire !

Totally disagree with the posts laying into him. He's moved countries for the OP. He's up for getting married just isn't into the wedding side of things, which many people aren't and it's understandable in his case with the difficult family. OP's main issues seem to be wanting to wear a wedding dress and wanting spa day gifts etc. because he's got them for his sisters. Sure there's subtext to all those, but to me it feels obvious he's got complicated relationships with his mum and sisters and I wouldn't begrudge them a bit of birthday fuss which is nothing compared to the fact that - gotta say it again - he's left them all behind and moved to the OP's home country to raise their child in. That is huge and she also says he's good in other ways, so this feels pretty nit-picky to me and like OP will never be happy to compromise. He's found his way of coping with his family by ignoring them (and moving away), but no, OP needs him to stand up to them which will arguably make things worse and harder for him. A wedding is also not the greatest idea with all these family issues. Honestly OP, I'd buy myself a spa day and I'd get married by signing the papers and have a party with my friends without making it a trad family wedding. Being disappointed in him isn't going to lead to a happier family life for you. It's just going to make you more like his mother and sisters and make him retreat even more from engaging.

I think you need to be clear what you want op before proceeding.

His response wasn't that impressive when you told him how you were feeling.

As other posters say, look at his actions, not just his words. Overall, does he step up with the children? Does he work hard? Does he do his fair share of chores? Do you have to remind him constantly to do stuff? You say he complains about money, is he making efforts to earn more?

To be fair to him, he has moved to your home country, and that's huge.

Some men, if they contribute a lot at home, as well as working, especially if they come from a fairly traditional family set up where their mothers did everything, don't think they need to bother any more for birthdays and celebrations, and I suppose that could be his only justification, but even that excuse doesn't work in this instance when he has gone out of his way to be so generous to his sisters!

Although maybe it's because he is so far from home now that he feels he wants to treat his family more?

Tbh I think the real problem here is that he refuses to discuss marriage after eight years! Why does he get to set the agenda and dictate when such an important issue is discussed or not? Are you not allowed a viewpoint? Does your opinion not matter until he says its ok to express it?

Are you unhappy about this situation because you think his lack of effort indicates a fundamental lack of commitment in your relationship?

Or are you worried that you once had commitment but it's fading?

Or are you fairly secure in your relationship and just feel pissed off that he puts his family about you when'it comes to birthdays?

Maybe answering those rhetorical questions will help you set a few boundaries for yourself. Maybe now you have told him the issue you can decide that if nothing changes in a year that you will reassess whether you want to be in this relationship or not. Him not standing up for you in front of his family is hurtful. But he has moved to your country which is a massive statement of solidarity. Only you can decide op!

Tbh I think the real problem here is that he refuses to discuss marriage after eight years!

That implies he's refusing to get married which isn't the case. He's said he'll get married, low-key, sign the papers etc. He just doesn't want a wedding the way the OP wants it. That's very different to him not wanting to marry the OP.

I think I'd just have a conversation with him where I said bluntly, 'I'm feeling really taken for granted by you. You make no effort to make me feel special, to plan gifts for my birthday and it's clear that you aren't interested in marriage or making a proper commitment. I'm thinking deeply about whether to actually end our relationship over this - and in my head I've given it 6 months.

If I still feel the same way in 6 months time I think I'm just going to call it a day with you - and you can head back home to the UK and your mother, frankly. It's time to either start investing an awful lot more in your relationship with me, or we are going to split up'.

What have you got to lose at this point? Spell it out to him in very clear terms that you are just about done.

Yes but he’s not showing much enthusiasm about even putting that basic plan in to effect. Op has to always raise the subject of marriage in the first place. It doesn’t exactly inspire confidence. And why does he get to dictate what happens, how and when? Those issues speak to the quality of their relationship overall.

I wouldn't say he does get to dictate what happens, how and when, given that he's moved with her to her home country. I'm guessing that was her idea and is a major sign she gets to dictate plenty when she chooses. She just can't make him want a proper wedding or make a fuss of her on her birthday.

I’m not sure that it would be a good idea to go as extreme as that either! He could very justifiably say “I have moved countries for you, why isn’t that enough?”

There has to be a middle way but only op can judge that based on how he shows up in other areas of the relationship.

Ach though, I hate these men who begrudge their women a bit of happiness! It’s ok to not want a meringue-fest but why not sort something simple? Why does his opinion prevail over his partner’s?Also loathe men who constantly penny pinch, it’s so unattractive, unless they are on rock bottom finances of course. Happy wife, happy life!

You make that sound like a failing on op’s part!

As I said, only op can decide as it’s not clear what the rest of the relationship is like.

I moved countries for my dh and it was a massive change, and I hated it at first, but now I am really happy and would never move back home, even if we split up. So the move benefited me ultimately.

Situations like this aren’t clear cut.

He's moved country to be with you, he has children with you, he feels safe with you. That's good.

He's deep in FOG with his family - fear, obligation and guilt. Get him to read up on it to learn how to free himself from it, as that's difficult for him.

You want to feel appreciated and loved and don't. That needs action but Ignore his sister's present. Don't compare yourself. That was done out of obligation - he feels he owes her, and is trying to please her because that's how his family operate. He feels safe with you so doesn't have to try to impress you. It's a compliment of sorts.

However, you can and should.tell him that you need more romance, more outward commitment to you. Not because of his mother or sister but because you are his partner and want to celebrate stuff together.

He may look bemused. I'm married to a non present giver - or when he does thoughtfully try I end up with saucepans or a power drill! But I'm training him slowly, and also reassessing what I really need from him. Read up on love languages too. Gifts are very much part of my love languages, but my dh expressed love v differently, in his own way, which I am learning to adapt to too.

Best of luck

You are in a committed relationship, living together with children. Surely he's SUPPOSED to feel comfortable with you?? This feels like a good thing to me.

Absolutely if making more effort re gifts and birthdays is important to you then talk to him. Which you have done, and he has apologised and promised to do better.
As to the wedding, I sympathise with himas I'd happily (hypothetically in my case) be married but the thought of an actual wedding is awful. Stressful and expensive, I'd hate every second of it. He has already moved to your country and had children with you. How much more committed can he be?

Could you perhaps a) maybe think about marriage counselling if you are feeling this divided in your emotions from each other.
B) consider a compromise on the wedding.
Have the paperwork done and celebrate in a non traditional way.
Massive family bbq.
Go on a week's holiday with just the 2 if you.
Just a reception somewhere, so food and music but not the formal wedding party with bridesmaids etc and sit down food and speeches.
There has to be a compromise you can both find, him hating his wedding and you getting everything you want as its traditional doesn't seem like a happy result.

You can't just leave the country and take children away from their schools and their other parents, that's child abduction

A lot of assumptions here. First of all, he didn't move for me. That was a mutual decision we made together and he was actually very much the more driven one as I got cold feet when I found out I was pregnant.

As to your comment about my main issues being "wanting to wear a wedding dress and wanting spa day gifts" - you have clearly not understood my underlying issue with this. It's obviously not a physical gift or the wedding dress I'm missing. I'm upset about the fact that he cared to show appreciation to others and being thoughtful towards them but not feeling it was necessary when it comes to me. I'm upset about him not being bothered anymore (because before he didn't seem to have an issue with it) to have some sort of celebration for us when it comes to getting married.