Confusion and hurt

[whattodo1910]

I don't really know where to begin with this thread but was hoping for a bit of advice / perspective. DH and I have been together 17 years married for 10. Two children. DH works regularly off-shore for long periods of time and has throughout the duration of our marriage. From the start, both of us very young it was what I can describe as 'up and down'. The highs were high but the lows were low. Lots of him cutting me off / ignoring me / name calling (young, naive and didn't know what to expect from a relationship) Fast forward 10 years and a lot of therapy (on my side) growth and generally just getting older I am questioning our relationship. For the past 3 year have discussed and expressed this to DH to be met with 'it is your problem not mine' 'i wont change' 'you're too needy' etc. To add some context, when things are good we tick over really well, a great team, equal share of house jobs responsibilities (when he is home), the core of the childare and responsibilities lies with me (both work FT). But it is the name calling, it still exists, and it can be over any small thing I wish to discuss, the last being the gym, I asked if on our days off could we spend the day together, to which he snapped why would I want to spend time with you? Fast foward 4 years to similar debates. to be met with you're pathetic, needy, a 'whingy little bitch'. Never really met with an apology, when raising my upset at the name calling, begging him not to do it, to be responded with 'well don't wind me up, when I tell you to stop talking to me about something stop and I wont call you names'.
I had a very traumatic birth with my first child leading to an emercency section/not breathing. I decided to then do a hypnorbithing course prior to my second child, in an attempt to calm my anxiety and fears. Part of the course included massages/words of affirmation etc, approaching 38 weeks pregnant I asked him if we could do the massage etc, snapped at me you only did this course so I would massage you.
There isn't a lot of affection between us, sex life is more or less non-existent, I feel he doesn't really 'see me'. But how when I raise the above is met by it being my fault is making me question my entire reality. Occasionally he will buy me flowers, will offer words of affection etc. He is a good dad. But I just really struggle to get past the above, even if our day to day lives work 'well'. Even writing this I feel like people reading will assume what on earth does she do to warrent those replies, but I can genuinely say it is always along the lines of please can you miss the gym so we can do xyz instead. I don't know what is 'normal' and what isn't. It has been my only adult relationship. If I question this I am met with other men you meet may tickle you / massage you do the things you want but they're soft and you'll get bored etc. Head is a mess

Even writing this I feel like people reading will assume what on earth does she do to warrent those replies,

No I don’t think that because nothing warrants calling your wife a bitch, it’s utterly unacceptable. And for the record, it’s not our actions that ‘make’ other people behave in the way that they do. Your husband doesn’t call you a whingy bitch because of anything you’ve done, he’s choosing to say it because that’s what’s in his head and heart.

In terms of what is normal, well I’m not sure what goes on everywhere else, but in 32 years of marriage my husband has never belittled me, called me names, sworn at me or anything close. The same is also true of my sister and her DH, and several of my friends. A good man doesn’t do this, even when he’s not happy about something. That doesn’t make him ‘soft’ whatever that’s supposed to mean, it makes him decent and kind.

If you feel safe to do so I would be reminding him that what he says and does are his own choices, and keep saying it….at the moment he’s somehow positioning himself as the victim in all this and then excusing his own horrible behaviour. Call it out.

no that’s not what I thought - I thought how can this poor woman have such low self esteem that she things she has to put up with that

he’s abusive. End of. Call women’s aid and start planning your exit.

What are you getting out if this relationship now?.

you are in an abusive relationship with this man and have been for many years. He has tried to ground you down and has almost succeeded. his actions are about power and control over you. It will do your children no favours to remain with him and they probably wonder why you are still with him.

Seek advice from your local domestic violence support group and or women’s Aid and plan your exit via a Solicitor

That’s vile OP, the fact that you think we’d question “what has she done to warrant that” says a lot about your head space. The vast majority of us wouldn’t ask that question because as PP says, there’s nothing to deserve that kind of treatment

he sounds like a nasty prick to be honest and he’s treating you with utter contempt, he clearly doesn’t respect you or he wouldn’t talk to you like that. “Well don’t wind me up then” is also fucking disgusting, he takes no accountability for how he treats you

my DP wouldn’t dream of talking to me like that and no decent man would. I’m sorry to say but you’re with a complete arsehole. Personally I’d look at my options and make moves to get out, no one should accept that

I'd divorce. You don't need this shit. Your children are learning this is how men treat women.

He is horrible, OP. No it is not in the least normal for a man to keep insulting his wife. He sounds as if he actively dislikes you. Certainly he despises you — unfairly, as he is the one most people would despise.

And he is not ‘a good dad’. He is teaching your children that it’s fine and normal for men to despise and abuse women.

Please leave him, for DC’s sake as well as your own.

I actually felt a bit tearful reading your post. It's so sad to hear how poorly your husband treats you. Did he not vow to love, honour and cherish you?

I have been with my husband 25 years and he has never called me names. Not once.

Oh sweetie. I’m sorry. You deserve better- he is behaving appallingly, it isn’t your fault. He’s an arse and he’s trained you to tolerate it.

What a pathetic specimen of manhood. He is abusive. Leave him as soon as you can, and raise your bar. No-one deserves to be spoken to like he speaks to you. There are kind, decent, honourable, loving men out there. Your repulsive husband isn't one of them.

Just for reference, there is not a single excuse for him behaving this way.
You may not know what a healthy, mature relationship looks like because you've never been in one. But love, this isn't it.
You deserve better. You're being verbally abused and you don't even realise it.

Please leave him. Please, for your sake and that of your children - who will come to see his behaviour as normal and settle for this as they grow into their own relationships later. Start loving and respecting yourself enough to know that he's not someone of value in your life.

I would have years ago. OP he really won't change and there is nothing you can do to change his behaviour. You also don't have to justify ending the marriage to anyone.

"I won't change"

He's told you who he is OP, why are you expecting anything different. This is the rest of your life unless you choose to leave him.

And no, he's not a good Dad. Good Dads model good relationship dynamics to their children. Instead he's choosing to abuse his wife.

My heart breaks for you reading this OP. It’s genuinely nasty what he has said to you and his intention is clearly to belittle and hurt you. That isn’t someone who cares for you. You do deserve better than this. I would also question how good a dad someone is who call their children’s mother names like that.

It is heartbreaking reading your post.
You are clearly very bright, work hard and you are a good mum.
Well done on having counselling but it’s now time to take action. He is not a good father treating you this way. He may be a ‘great’ dad in the surface but your children will pick up on it.
Telling you deserve to be spoken this way is abusive. He will grind you down to nothing.
You are very capable OP you manage a whole life while he is away. Make it permanent.

We have had our our issues but I can only remember one episode of name calling from him and that was'ok smarty pants, what's your solution' - and that stayed with me for weeks I was so pissed off-so in your case I would be thinking of ending things- it's totally unacceptable

You are being abused by your husband.
Please read this book. It will help you to identify how abusers behave.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Also, contact women’s aid. You don’t deserve to be treated this way and your children deserve better than to grow up in an abusive home.