Husband hesitant about kids.

[OneOpalExpert]

Hi all, looking for advice.

My husband and I (married very recently) have so far been on the same page about kids. In an ideal world, one biological child, and then foster/adopt if we wanted any more. We've discussed and aligned our views on education, religion, etc. We've quite regularly dreamed about the fluffy stuff, too - what a child of ours would look like, names etc.

Since we got married, though, he's made a couple of comments along the lines of "that's one more argument for the not-having-kids list!" while talking about peers/colleagues/friends' child-related challenges. Last night when he made the comment, I pulled him up on it and asked him why he's started making these comments. I told him in no uncertain terms that trying for a child is a deal-breaker for me, and being on the same page about parenthood was one of the reasons I said "yes" when he proposed to me. He, quite shocked, asked "would you divorce me over it?!" and I answered, "yes".

After more discussion, it seems like since getting married and the prospect of parenthood has become more real, he is more worried about the challenges - financial and lifestyle. (He also has some unresolved issues surrounding his father, who was at times physically abusive towards his mother and himself/his siblings, but who passed away when he was a teenager.) He's also an ex-special needs teacher who has no doubt seen first-hand the challenges of having a child who is neurodivergent and/or has behavioural issues.

I told him I understand these trepidations, but that we aren't going into parenthood with our eyes closed and can consider how to address these issues before we start trying. Quite soon into the conversation he said "Yes - we'll have a child together" and afterwards was mostly jokingly hurt about me being so ready to divorce him.

The whole thing has left a bad taste in my mouth, though. Even though he came back to the position that we'll try for a child when we're ready, it's just so frustrating to me that he's even tested the waters about not having children. It's not something I've ever indicated, and as a 37-year-old still dithering (I'm 31 for context), he's really shown some immaturity that I didn't know was there before.

What would you do/think in this position?

Not wanting/being unsure about wanting children isn’t immature. But he should have been honest about this before you married. It sounds like another serious conversation is needed - ultimately if he doesn’t want kids the best course of action is to break up.

I’d pencil it in for a proper thorough conversation soon to be honest, I wouldn’t be happy to leave it on those terms.

One thing I always say about children, and that I absolutely believe now I have a 6 month old myself, is that nobody should compromise on having children for the sake of a partner. It’s too big and life changing to compromise on, and if you aren’t both 100% for it then I really think it shouldn’t be done at all. Lots of men are almost persuaded to have children, as you’ve said here you’ve pointed out xyz and he’s then said “okay yeah we’ll have one”, but they don’t really genuinely want one and so when the baby arrives and everyone is sleep deprived, everythings a mess, money is tighter, nobody has any alone time, there’s very little in the way of intimacy/date nights etc those same men are the ones who do the “I didn’t want this, YOU did, so you’re on your own”. It’s a huge and completely life altering step to take to have a child, if you aren’t both 100% in then it’s a recipe for disaster.

This back and forth is something that at 21 I’d think yeah okay, he has time to change his mind, but at 37 he knows what he wants and it doesn’t sound like he wants a child.

The other alternative is that he just never actually gets round to trying. It takes 2 to make a baby, and it’s actually the man who has to “perform” to make one so he does hold all the cards there, maybe he’s never ready to try or he says he is but then can’t or won’t DTD. He could easily run your clock down until it’s no longer an option, you see it on here all of the time so be careful if children are an important thing for you.

I would set a deadline to talk about this again but if he's not enthusiastic and committed to the idea you may have to walk away.

It’s really smart to think ahead about the realities of parenthood. Many people go into it without fully considering the challenges, expecting it to be pure joy—when in truth, it’s a journey with both wonderful and tough moments.

The best thing you can do is keep talking openly with each other. You started this relationship on the same page, so trust that honest communication will help you stay aligned, support each other’s concerns, and take it one step at a time.

he's really shown some immaturity that I didn't know was there before

Changing your mind is not immaturity. Deciding you don't want to have kids is not immaturity. And he's the one who's actually communicated this with you so he's not stringing you along either. Time to actually have a proper heart-to-heart conversation because he's obviously been doing some thinking and is leaning against having children now.

The conversation has to come from a position of respect so I'd advise against insulting him and calling him immature or silly. You also don't get to browbeat or guilt him into changing his mind. You may well end up divorcing because this isn't an area where compromise is possible. You wouldn't be the first or last couple to split up over this.

To be honest it sounds like he is carefully considering what the reality of having a child will be like, which isn't a bad thing. It's mature and sensible.

It's a good thing to think about the reality and take it seriously. Many people go into having children with their eyes closed and then struggle. Having a child is no small thing and if you aren't worried about it in some respects then you are either foolish, inexperienced or in denial!

So personally, I would be glad to be with someone who is thoughtful and careful. As long as he isn't being disingenuous when he says yes - but you are the one who knows him and need to work that out.

I wouldn't want to have children with someone who had serious doubts, so if you think that is the case then you need to get to the bottom of it before you start trying.

The couples I know who were not on the same page, yet had children, are miserable. Children are fantastic but add stress, worry, exhaustion to any relationship. If that’s a ‘I’m not sure…’ from him I’d think it’s the opposite of immaturity and probably shows some real thoughtfulness. If it’s genuinely a deal breaker for you, be honest and upfront. There is time for you to split and find another willing partner at 31.

He married you under false pretences. He's 37 - 3 years off 40 he's a grown man who knows what he does and doesn't want. Your biological clock is ticking, he knows this yet is still hesitant. Bad sign. You have a decision to make as to whether you want to be a mother or not. Don't let him keep you dangling.

& You were direct with him, well done. There's no need to sit him down for a talk, you have said it all. It's yes or no. It's a real shame tho, I'd feel hurt in your shoes. I'd be gone.

My niece was 10 years with a man who ummed & aahed about children. They bought a house. & a dog. She eventually left him then met someone and is now at 38 a happy mum to a 2 year old. The wedding is is June 2025.

The fact that he was shocked at you saying you'd divorce him over it, and was joking around about it, makes me think he hasn't given his thoughts about this the level of maturity it needs. How could he be surprised that you'd need to make a decision like that, given he knows you want kids? If I was in his position, one of my main worries would be about how my indecision would impact my female partner, given that women don't have the luxury of endless time to make a decision, and honestly the fact that you don't seem to be featuring highly in his thoughts about this, given that you just got married, is worrying in itself. It's a very deeply personal thing, and a decision he has to make for himself, so you wouldnt be the number one thought, sure, but surely any normal person would also, on realising they had these doubts, be thinking 'how will this impact OP'. Maybe my expectations are too high?!?

It might just be nerves/cold feet now it's looming. Doesn't mean he won't go through with it and be all in when there's a real life baby to love. It's good that you can have the conversation and be clear about your views. My brother, who left it later than your DH, was more reluctant at the prospect but embraced the reality.

This is what I found more unusual for you both to feel is the ideal: "one biological child, and then foster/adopt if we wanted any more". Sounds noble but I'd be surprised if that comes to pass unless there's a reason your second can't be bio. Again, this makes me think he's not given it too much deep thought and just gone with what you've said as he loves you.

This man doesn’t want kids. You werent as on the same page as you think, he went along with chats about it because it was in the future, not scarily real, etc. He may change his mind, he may not, or worse, he may say he has in order to keep you, then bail later. If a child is more important to you than he is - because ultimately that’s the choice - then you need to split.

He married you under false pretences. He's 37 - 3 years off 40 he's a grown man who knows what he does and doesn't want

Ridiculous thing to say. Getting to your late 30s doesn't mean you've arrived at a place of absolute certainty about your life. I know plenty of men and women who were ambivalent about kids at that age, and who ended up going in both directions. While I was always certain about being child-free, there are still plenty of big life directions I haven't made my mind up on and I'm 40!

He said he wanted kids because you wanted kids. It was to keep a relationship with you. He's not really thought about it or he thinks you will change your mind. He married you under false pretences. The fact he's acting offended you said you would divorce him over it shows he doesn't appreciate how important to you it is. I'd be surprised he got to his age without knowing if he wants kids or not but maybe he will decide he wants them. Maybe he will just say he does to please you then you will be miserable together or you personally will have to do all parenting or he will abandon you and the child.

I have a friend who waited 8 years from the conversation about where is this relationship going I want kids etc etc. He said he wanted them and just wasn't ready yet. She gave him 8 years from that point until she's pushing 40 and he then admitted he never wanted them he just hoped she would change her mind. I think her ex is utterly evil for doing that but there are lots of men who just don't think about the woman wasting their child creating tears because they don't want to loose the relationship and the sex

Just being cynical here. What assets did everyone bring to the marriage?

It's definitely okay that he's having reservations, as you say, you want to go into parenthood with your eyes open and being on the same page on how you would deal with challenges.
But obviously you had the conversation pre marriage that having children was important to you - if he changes his mind now, barring an exceptional circumstances reasoning, I think that is definitely cause to question the relationship.
I also made it crystal clear to my husband early on in dating that having children was a deal breaker for me and that if he didn't want children we shouldn't date seriously. It took us longer to find the right time to have our first that we'd expected but he adores her now. He's actually more worried though about having the second one since he knows how hard it really is now!
I do think you need to have a frank conversation with him about how essential having a child is to you and how important having a partner who also wants children is - you don't want him to agree to have a child with you but then not be very involved because he doesn't really want to do the hard work that comes with them.
I think it would be sensible to gauge a timeline as well so he doesn't get the opportunity to string you along if he's not really sure but wants to keep the relationship.