I’m in a long term relationship with a man who shows me no affection.

[Redmushroom]

I feel silly really and it’s pretty obvious why and now I’m just sad really.

I grew up with emotional neglect. My first long term relationship was basically abusive and he was very emotional and irrational. I have never felt safe around emotion. I know now that is because I was not shown it and it feels scary and it’s safe to be around the same people as my mum was, non emotional. I often only show my emotions when on my own.

I get jealous around those who have emotional relationships. Weddings and occasions where it’s emotional make me feel sick but at the same time I want that.

Not long ago at a wedding he said that he isn’t interested in a wedding. I said yeah neither am I but that’s really because I’m scared of the emotion of it. I really want someone to think of me like others think of their partner. I don’t feel wanted or loved.

My partner is a good man, really good man but he is not emotional at all, no love you or nice words. I know it’s my fault as I’ve chosen someone like it. His parents are the same, not emotional at all.

I don’t know what I’m asking really but just a bit sad that it’s come to this. I want a bit of emotion but I don’t want to keep feeling like it’s not a safe thing.

If you want this, then the only way that it will happen is if you speak up and tell him. If he is a good man (as you say) then even if it is not his natural way, he will try to change his attitude towards you. But you may need to be patient, and you will have to lead the way by being more vulnerable and emotional yourself.

It sounds like you both have a lot of learned relationship behaviour to work through and overcome. I think that if he is the right person for you then you need to both start some counselling so you can get help learning how to change and accept and embrace your emotions. Emotions are scary, but also so beautiful at times. Good luck.

I am unsure if my partner is Autistic because he often looks like he is just going through the motions of how he is supposed to act. I have emotions and I am emotional I suppose but I don’t trust them or know if I’m supposed to feel like this about that!

Are you a reader? I thoroughly recommend Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly. It’s about shame, vulnerability & love. As a species we all want to love & be loved so it is not surprising you’re unsure how to show it & fearful of rejection if your parents never loved you as a child. Read the book.

Your emotions are you, they are what you feel. You should let them flow, but just temper them by understanding how they impact the people around you. It does sound like he has some autistic tendancies, but it might not just be that. If you were to describe how you are feeling right now, what words would you use?

I can’t say that they never loved me because I’ve no idea about that. I was never told and I never felt it. My parents did their thing and they thought it was the right way. I can say though that it wasn’t the right way for me. The only emotion I saw from my mum as a child was either depression or anger or victim/sulking. She never ever hugged me in my memory of her.

Sorry, my bad. I should have said if you never felt they showed you love as a child - I.e. through hugs & cuddles, getting down on the floor & playing games with you, telling you they loved you, spending time with you generally. We all have different languages of love - the important thing is that we know we are loved & that we feel we can reciprocate it

Yeah I always felt odd and in the way and weird and different I suppose. Often still do.

I struggle with emotions too, despite wanting the connection so badly. My background is fairly similar in ways to you OP. My bf is also some way along the Autism Spectrum. We both have a sense of humour around it all which helps. I say things like "you aren't too bad really" which makes us both laugh especially as we both realise we aren't great at big displays of emotion. X