AIBU to be annoyed at the lack of effort for my birthday?

[Elf42]

Been together four years, one child from his previous relationship, a toddler together a baby on the way. At the start of the relationship, I’d make a huge effort for his birthday. He wouldn’t do much for me, just a card, flowers and chocolates. He knows that occasions mean a lot to me and I like gifts of a partner or a nice day out etc. He spoils the children at birthdays which I love , but I dread my birthday because it’s always whatever he can scrape together the night before from Tesco. This year was the same and I’ve just had enough, I showed I was annoyed and he’s accused me of sulking. AIBU?

Accept that your DP will never arrange anything for your birthday and start making your own plans. Stop doing anything for his, treat him as he treats you.

My DP is the same, birthdays are not a big deal in DP's family - DP will never take the day off work if his birthday falls on a weekday, DC go to school if their birthdays fall on a weekday, we'll go out for a meal or get a takeaway when it's someone's birthday but that's the extent of it. I put up balloons and banners for everyone and for myself on the eve of my birthday! DP did nothing special for my 40th so I did nothing special for his 50th.

If he's always done this why make an issue of it now? I'm assuming having your second child with him he must be nice the rest of the year? Hopefully you've stopped making a big deal in his birthday.

I told DH he was responsible for teaching the children how to treat woman. That includes my birthday - they need to be shown how to appreciate adults, get excited by someone else’s birthday enjoy the gift of giving.

He should involve them in the planning and choosing gifts.

It’s not difficult.

It sounds like he's always been like this? Did you think he'd just change his ways ?

You have different expectations of birthdays - neither are 'wrong', however if he is a good partner in other ways then I'd just accept that he's never going to feel the same way about gifting as you do. You're an adult and if you want something nice then buy it!

Did you think having another child would change him? You've been together only 4 years and have 2 children together, you've had barely any time together as a couple, he's presumably always been like this I'm not sure what you think is going to make him change over night (hint, not babies). If he's otherwise a good partner talk to him about it.

Some folk are just not gifters, nor are they that bothered about receiving gifts from others. As long as they show love and appreciation in other ways then it's actually quite selfish to force them into your way of approaching gift giving.

I agree. I absolutely hate fuss and quite happily ignore birthdays. I dated a guy once who despite me telling him this went to huge lengths to buy extravagant gifts, flowers etc then told me I was selfish for being grateful enough.

Thing is OP this is how you DP is. Birthdays don’t enter his radar it’s nothing yo do with not appreciating you.

Other than sit down and discuss why it’s so important to you, I think you may just have to accept the difference here.

"How to treat women" are we back in the dark ages?

Some people just don't do arrangements for birthdays, my husband and I both are like this but we just do nice things as an when

Neither of us needs to teach our child who to treat the other like one of us is a crystal vase, just to be a decent human overall

You can't force someone to do something, and why would you they buy you flowers or chocolates because you demand them not because they want too

Yes, I remember being given a ridiculous number of gifts by a previous boyfriend one Christmas when I'd bought him a much smaller gift - he informed me that I could 'make it up to him at his birthday! It made me chuckle because we were still teenagers and his well off parents were funding the extravagance, meanwhile my part time job funded my less extravagant gift giving. It was actually quite draining to feel he expected me to change my approach to gifting to suit him. I suspect the givers/expectant receivers don't realise how draining it can be.

Thank you for the replies.
I do agree a lot has happened in the last four years so we haven’t had much time as a couple. I was annoyed because every year I get an apology for the lack of effort and a promise of it being better next year. Same has happened this year, I’ve really shown how annoyed I am this time and I’ve been promised to be ‘spoilt’ next year. I understand that this is just him, occasions aren’t a big deal unless they’re for the kids, so I did stop celebrating his birthday the last two years. I feel appreciated day to day but wanted something a bit special for my birthday, as he knows this as I’ve voiced it. Ive baked myself a cake with the toddler, and I think going forward I will make plans with my friends or myself to go out for the day.

So i do see this, but if they 'show love and appreciation' in ways that don't feel like love and appreciation to the receiver, then... isn't that sort of pointless? If someone told you 'hey, I feel loved when you compliment my cooking' and they said 'well I show love through making you a cup of tea in the morning, I'm not complimenting your cooking, you know I like it because I eat it' is that really in the spirit of loving someone? 'You must accept a brand of affection I have decided on, regardless of if it actually gets the desired effect?' I would feel very... I don't know, insulted - I'm an individual person with wants and needs. It would be like if I had hay-fever and they insisted on buying me flowers because 'that's what women like'... I don't know, surely if you want someone to feel loved, you would want to find out what makes them feel the most loved and make attempts towards that, even if it doesn't come naturally to you? Or find a halfway point if it's something that's really opposite to your personality.

It's also pointless expecting someone to give extravagant gifts.

I'm not buying this 'oh he might not be a gifter' or "you just celebrate differently" - sorry this is BS. He can make a fuss of the kids but not you? Why is that? He can't be bothered. And if he knows you like to make an effort on birthdays but he continues not to bother, he is showing you how much he cares.

You don;t have to give extravagant gifts!! Breakfast in bed, a nice home cooked meal with candles..... lots of things don't have to cost much but show then you care its their special day.

This is exactly how I feel!

What pp's said

Do your own thing