Hi all,
Deep down I know ending the relationship was 100% the right decision but I'm starring to question myself and regret the decision - think I'm just lonely and missing the friendship aspect over the relationship.
I'm hoping you can all talk some sense into me (and also listing all the points is a good record for myself when I'm having a wobble!)
I think part of my issue is that rather than it being one big thing, it's a lot of small(ish) factors added together, but when I'm upset and thinking I ended it over something trivial I have more regret.
So here goes......
First off I need to preface this by saying he is genuinely a lovely man. Never loved anyone as much in my life (even loved him more than my exH who I had dc with!).
He was extremely funny, witty, clever. Never a dull moment. To add to that he is extremely good looking. I was flattered he'd fancied me but over time we became best friends. Never been so close to anyone.
However.......he has (undiagnosed) adhd and suspected autism. I know everyone will be along to say that unless he's diagnosed nobody can know for certain but it was such a textbook case. He would go from hyper focused, full of energy to really down & lethargic. Couldn't function well outside of work but excelled in his career. He's very sensitive to criticism, doesn't take rejection well.
He'd also spend months at a time very depressed in that he didn't want to do anything or go anywhere. He'd get really down on himself and say he was useless etc.
I tried my best to be really supportive during these times, encouraged him to get a diagnosis and professional help. He was 100% against this and refused any sort of help. He also had a few interlinked physical issues but again refused to go to the dr - was very old/school traditional and thought I should "man up" - can't stress enough that if he was willing to get support I'd have fully supported him. Instead he just wanted to 'cope' with it by ignoring it. At the same time he expected me to understand it was an "illness". Like he'd forget things, talk over me be very self absorbed and lived in his own bubble but anytime I mentioned anything he'd get upset and just say "it's my adhd", he'd then get really down that his adhd was ruining things and feel bad about himself and the cycle would repeat itself.
It all came to a head when a close family member of mine was diagnosed with a serious illness. My ex had always struggled with sympathy/empathy but I could tolerate it when things in my life were going well. I think during this time he tried his best to support me and genuinely wanted to, but he was so caught up in his own world that he couldn't help but turn the attention back to him.
Now I'm aware that from
What I've said this sounds like an absolute no brainer but I had extreme guilt that I wasn't being understanding enough.
80% of the time he'd be upbeat, funny & charming but it felt a bit surface level to me, like he was masking. He'd then crash and burn and have zero energy for anything.
That leads to my next point. He had a very very low sex drive. We're late 30s and even in the honeymoon period he had little to no interest. It would be typical for us to have sex every 1-2 months, longest period with no sex would be about 4 months. But I'd even booked an overnight stay for his birthday, bought sexy underwear, made sure we were relaxed etc. at the time we went away we hadn't had sex in 2 months, I came out the bathroom in the underwear, he glanced up form his phone, went back to scrolling and it never even seemed to register,
I felt completely rejected, unattractive and like he didn't fancy me. Got told it wasn't that, he was just depressed/drained from his adhd.
He didn't even seem to like snogging. Don't get me wrong, he was very affectionate in terms of cuddling, holding hands, lots of forehead kisses, pecks on the lips.
He was constantly telling by me how much he loved me. He wanted us to get move in together and get married. Told me every day I was the love of his life. A lot of the time i was happy.
I got more and more snappy with him. Think it was a mix of resentment and/or the ick. I've got peri and he often blamed this and my hormones on my lack of patience, and couldn't seem to accept a lot of women would feel the same.
Someone please tell me I was right to end this and not a total bitch for abandoning him. Ironically after everything I've said, I miss him
So so much