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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this as Facebook gaslight ?

12 replies

Icyrosepetal · 04/11/2024 17:59

Hi all, name changed for this one. Apologies as it's a facebook one 🙈🙄 I know I will get a few that say ... so what who cares about Facebook? But once I explain, then maybe you will see it's not just about Facebook but a question about whether this behaviour is gas lighting or not?

So here goes, basically I've been seeing man for a year now.

We initially took things slowly, but it has progressed into a serious relationship. We have told each other we love each other , introduced each other to our families. Gone to weddings, birthdays, funerals as a couple.
Just to give a clear picture were in a committed relationship.
Friday evening just gone we took some photos together of us at a party, they came out well and he seemed to love one of the pictures in particular and said this is going to be my new profile picture on Facebook, I said really ? He said yeh I need a new pic and it would be nice to have u in it. He actually said it a few times which I found odd but there you go.

Up until now I've not been on any post on his Facebook... no trace of me at all. I thought him saying this was sweet & seemed genuine.

On Saturday morning we looked at photos taken at the party and there was some great ones with our friends / family and some lovely couple ones. I said to him I'm going to post these later on fb is this ok ? He said yes thats fine.

Later that evening I was back at my place and I get a fb notification a mutual friend had tagged me in some photos so I accepted the tag I then noticed 7 other people tagged including my boyfriend.

I then remembered to post my pics. Also tagging him.

This was Saturday evening.

I have noticed they have never gone on his wall on fb so there is still no trace of me at all. He seems to have some kind of privacy settings so although tagged they didnt show up on his wall? I didnt even know u could do this?

Also he never changed his fb photo to us as a couple and still just looks like a single man.

Now before people say communicate to him I wont see him for a week now and would prefer to do it face to face.
I just wanted to see what others would make of this? It's not like hes never on fb as he often changes his profile picture. Why has he said he will change to him and I and then not do it?
It's not like I asked him too?

Was he giving me a false sense of security? It's so strange.

Why not allow the tagged photos of us together not on his fb wall? We are kissing in one and they are obviously couply.

Opinions please
Thank you

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 04/11/2024 18:03

Sounds like he had two profiles and you only know about one. Perhaps he put the photos on the other one. Weird thing to lie about I would think he has one you don't know about. And the one you do know about us defunct. Ask him.

TwistedWonder · 04/11/2024 18:05

I’ve got my settings that if anyone tags me, it doesn’t go on my wall unless I click ‘add to profile.

So maybe they’re just sitting in his review post section without him knowing.

TwistedWonder · 04/11/2024 18:07

They’re probably sitting in here waiting his review

Is this as Facebook gaslight  ?
VictoriaAlbert · 04/11/2024 18:12

I have a setting that allows me to approve tagged photos. So they don't just automatically land on my wall, I have to click a button to accept the tagged pictures. I wouldn’t be concerned just yet. See what happens, if there’s still no trace of you on his FB account by the time you see him, definitely ask him about it.

Icyrosepetal · 04/11/2024 18:24

Thank you for your replies , its helped explain things a bit. I think I'm finding the profile photo thing being made into a big deal and then he didnt do it , bit odd

OP posts:
wyse · 04/11/2024 18:25

No idea, but the word "gaslight" is odd in your title

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 04/11/2024 18:27

Calm down, it's only Monday evening.
You could always casually drop it into conversation later in this week, see what he says. I never change my Facebook photo, it's been the same for years.

Arlanymor · 04/11/2024 18:27

TwistedWonder · 04/11/2024 18:05

I’ve got my settings that if anyone tags me, it doesn’t go on my wall unless I click ‘add to profile.

So maybe they’re just sitting in his review post section without him knowing.

Yep, mine is set up like this, and I so rarely remember to go into that section of Facebook that sometimes photos languish in there for months to be honest. I don’t think this is a gaslighting situation, I think he’s just not visited his review section as @TwistedWonder has said.

Icyrosepetal · 04/11/2024 18:29

Hes definitely seen the notifications as he liked the photos and post

OP posts:
SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 04/11/2024 18:31

Icyrosepetal · 04/11/2024 18:29

Hes definitely seen the notifications as he liked the photos and post

It's a privacy setting where you have to manually allow the post on your wall.

Does he have many other tagged photos on his page? I'm always forgetting to "allow" posts.

Coconutter24 · 04/11/2024 19:04

No that’s not gas lighting

Seashellssanctuary · 04/11/2024 19:53

That's a very common setting, nothing g weird about that. It's to prevent others posting unwanted crap on your page

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