Healing from abuse ... anyone been through it???

[fedup2471]

Has anyone been through abuse? Physical or emotional ?
If so how did you heal etc?

I'm 8 weeks away from having a baby. I've had to leave the dad. No choice. I know he'll eventually completely ruin me.

What's hard is.. sometimes we'd laugh.. love & cuddle etc etc (even though that was getting less & less)
Then he hated me to the core over something small (even me saying the wrong thing or in the wrong tone) all the things I confided in him & told him about would be used against me.

He'd tell me I was the problem whilst I'd sit crying with my big baby belly after being called names & him telling me he couldn't stand me.

I've been extra upset because I've told myself during my pregnancy that he was wasn't AS abusive when I was skinny. How sad am I.

Everything became my fault. He'd abuse me so badly emotionally then take me on a big baby shopping spree then go cold again. Throwing me crumbs.
Even when his cat had to be put to sleep... he said your gonna celebrate his death aren't you. It's just so dark how he thinks. When all I did was support him

Thankfully I had my own house to go back to.

I'm just at a place now where I accept the nice side of him wasn't real. It's mad. It's crazy. To think I've lived in fake. Fake. Fake.

He'd accuse me of being selfish and not caring about him when I'd done nothing wrong but I'd rack my brains to wonder what I did.

I'm tired. I'm heavy. I'm exhausted. I don't have a birth partner now etc. I'm so over whelmed but I know it's best for me and baby. I'll never go back. I'd rather die. Honestly.

Anyone been through similar?
Xxxx

I left my abusive husband when pregnant with my second. It's hard I'm not gonna lie. But when the baby comes that takes up so much of your energy that you get through the days and after a while you realise you are partly healed.

I recommend staying single for a good long while though. And doing the freedom program when you have time. We risk hopping from one abuser to the next as the love bombing at the start reels us in being so different to the established abuse we just fled.

It's much easier I found once you have children. When you prioritise the needs of your children you are stronger. When you get ale joy from mother hood you are less lonely. But it is very lonely. At least with a baby you can do baby groups and have all the kids things with other mothers where you can make new friends. Friends are absolutely essential

Another tip is get new bedding and throw cushions. Make your home feel different. Were the cloths he stopped you wearing or meet the friends he put a distance with. Eat the foods he would hit the roof if you cooked. Leave the washing up to the next morning and enjoy the peace of no one ranting at you. Whatever he did that controlled your life do it so you can have constant reminders of the freedom and safety you can now enjoy

Yes, I've been through it.

It takes a lot of time, but you'll still have memories that stab you in the heart. I highly recommend therapy - but even still there's only so much that a therapist can accomplish.

There are many resources online. If you haven't already read it, I recommend "Why Does he do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men", by Lundy Bancroft. There is a companion book, "Daily Wisdom for Why Does he do That: Encouragement for Women Involved with Angry and Controlling Men", also by Bancroft.

Well done for getting out. Be prepared to keep him out and away from you now. He will try to weasel his way back around the due date.

If you are not married, you are not obliged to include his name on the baby's birth cert. I highly encourage you not to put his name on the BC. A name on a BC confers legal rights to parent the child. It would be very unwise to give him this opportunity to continue to control and abuse you via the child. There may be people in your circle who try to persuade you that a child needs a father, needs to know the fathers name, etc, or thst there is shame in being 'fatherless'. Don't listen to them. Most people have no idea what it means to be abused by an intimate partner and don't want to know either. It's a cultural blind spot.

Please get yourself a doula, a trained birth partner who will support you through labour and delivery. Your midwife may be able to put you in touch with an agency or an individual.

I also encourage you not to get in touch with him when the baby is born. You do not want him breathing down your neck when you're exhausted and vulnerable in every way